Moonwave's iWonder ༄

Conclusions (They’re Still Far Off)

2011-12-31T13:49:00.001-08:00

It’s easy to say that the end of the year marks the end of a chapter of our lives; but what does that say about our lives? That they are so tidy that we can simply sum everything – all of our experiences, growth, joys and disappointments – into a single 12 month period? I don’t like the sound of that. The neat freak inside me head hates to admit it, but life is messy.

To say that we’ve come to some kind of conclusion seems a little ridiculous. The things that happened in the last year are ends once frayed in years past and beginnings of things to come. Everything is continuous. Everything and everyone is tangled up intimately with this thing – life.

Things aren’t ending or beginning today anymore then they did yesterday or will tomorrow.

But – because we inevitably do think that this time of year is the conclusion of one chapter and the beginning of another – it is a convenient time to make resolutions for the new year. Yet I can’t help but feel like we only betray ourselves and our hopes when we make resolutions.

To change in the time it takes to make another trip around the sun just by setting a goal for ourselves: doesn’t that seem a little foolish of ourselves? Most people make their resolutions as the result of some kind of compulsion or another. Why not make a resolution that means something?

This time last year, I pledged to read a certain Book everyday. And up until August or September, I kept up with that. I like making resolutions; I like the idea of improving upon last year’s shortcomings.

Resolutions are tough to stick with though. They require immediate action and dedication. Not compulsion. They have to be realistic, or otherwise alter your reality to conform to them. They’re often lofty goals we know we’ll never reach.

A recent favorite blogger I’ve been following has a solution to this. Jeff Goins said: “A resolution is something you make. Resolve is something you have.” I like that. Resolving is more than a resolution; it’s the difference between wanting to turn away from our past follies and actually turning away from them.

I have a few ideas of things I would like to get done in 2012; starting a real writing project, going on a People to People trip, riding in PanMass. Then there things I need to get done: finding a college, a major, a career… and doing my Eagle Project.

The difference is the resolve. Do I have the resolve to do [insert goal here]? Tonight, I’m asking myself what’s really important to me heading into the new year.

But this still isn’t the end or the beginning. This is now. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Life goes on and gets messier and more beautiful everyday, when you look hard enough – when you have the resolve to.

Do They Know It’s Christmas Time?

2011-12-23T20:33:00.001-08:00

This is a speech I wrote for Creative Writing and presented earlier this week. Enjoy~

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The smell of pine and the paper decorations are hanging from the old tree now. Eggnog’s in the fridge and the lights are glowing gladly under the gutters. Old tunes cycle through the radio as we drive up and down snowy lanes of light powder and pass under the points of icicles. The kids are hopped up on candy canes and dreams of sugar plums (or just sugar – and lots and lots of gifts), running to the house from the bus, as if the brief period of cold they rush through is the only hardship they will ever face. There seems to be joy all around - doesn’t it feel like Christmas?

Well. I’ll be the first to say that it doesn’t. The needles are falling and the ornaments are shredded, dropped and shattered. The eggnog’s run dry and half the outdoor lights are broken – we haven’t even used them for one season. There isn’t even snow – it hiding away, keeping itself in some kind of cloudy closest, afraid of the wrath of everyone who would scorn it.

This doesn’t feel like Christmas.

This feels like another hard New England winter, dreary in its very nature. It’s cold. It’s windy. The sun sets quickly and hides behind the walls of this school cell. It’s disconcerting to us who work so hard (or not at all) for what we think is a passable existence. All we’re really trying to do now is survive. Celebrating any kind of ‘holiday’ seems so foreign right now – to me anyways.

So I’m not about to go off on a religious rant at you guys – God knows how poorly that would go over – because I know my beliefs aren’t all that popular. I also don’t want to tell you that the only real way to enjoy this season is to go to church next Sunday morning and sing hymns – Hell; I’m not even doing that. It’s because Christmas as we know it isn’t so much about the birth of Jesus (we’ve taken on too many aspects of ancient solstice traditions), but about the warmth we feel when we come together. It’s a time of connection. It’s a time of giving.

(Went a little improv for this paragraph – added the weekend after I wrote this speech). The first time this season I felt like it was really Christmas was when I, this past weekend, helped out at TMAC. I helped load cars with food for needy families who would not be having a Christmas dinner if it weren’t for the unrepayable generosity of the people who donated all of this food. It took my heart and challenged it to live this Christmas differently.

So when I look at my own heart through this lens, it’s not all that hard to see why I’m not satisfied with Christmas this year. I haven’t made the season about connecting with my loved ones – I’ve made it into a time to send out a Christmas list to them. I haven’t made the season about giving more than can be repaid to me – my parents and brothers are the only ones I bought for, and I know that they’ll give me many more gifts that I’m giving them.

The only thing I can think about most days right now is how grueling my school work is and how much I want this year to be over. The only thing I can say in conversation is how awful all of this is – why on Earth did I join so many societies and clubs and do swim team? And then I look like the world’s biggest snob when I say I’m upset I only got a B- in English this term. Me me me.

Christmas is a time for selflessness, and I’ve forgotten that. I think a lot of people have. When I went in to Boston with my cousin last weekend, we visited Johnny Cupcakes (the clothing store with an awesome bakery theme, and the cool crossbones and cupcake logo), which spurred a discussion of why we’re called the ‘cupcake generation’. We came to the conclusion that throughout our lives, we’re handed ‘cupcake’ for each and everything we do, and then we come to expect them more regularly until we’re to the point where cupcakes lose their value, but not their taste. So you could say we just grow fatter and fatter on them.

I want you to go on a diet from this cupcake addiction with me this year. Take a bite out of the fruits of serving and connecting and loving others. Make this Christmas about more than just the gifts and the food. Make it about the people you love, and make it about giving. You might just find yourself happier than the moment you open presents Christmas morning.

The Snowball that Falls from the AP Cliff

2011-12-08T18:36:00.001-08:00

Yeah. I should be at practice right now. I should be training, pushing myself for our first meet of the season next Wednesday night. But I’m not – I’m home. This is the only place I can be right now. And I don’t know if there is anything I should be doing but writing this.

A single email has put me in tears. One grade report opened the floodgates to a lot of emotions that I’ve been holding back for the last three months. I was so scared/ excited to start this school year. I knew it would be hell. But I knew there would be so many good things along the way. Everything I do, though, pulls my heart strings a little tighter, tangles them a little more.

My heart is a knot now. There has been no freedom in it’s expression – no joy, no love. There has been anger. There has been tears. There has been frustration and chaos and there has been a gap that I don’t know how to fill. The truth is, I pushed every part of ‘me’ away, every part of God away, so I could try to fulfill the requests of what everyone else around me wants me to do. I felt obligated, obliged, committed to these things.

Tri-M; National, English, French, and Science Honor Societies; StuCo; the winter concert; coffee house; swim team; all things I felt obligated to do because I was asked to, and because my friends were doing them, and because I wanted to because I love some of those things (and think others would look great for college). Add to those things a brief attempt at NaNoWriMo, volunteering at the library, Scouts (and a looming Eagle Project), and Church. The sum is a very tired, stressed out Matthew.

I know people don’t like some of the things Mr. Dewar says, but when he told us: “Homework, sleep, social life; pick two,” he gave us a choice. I tried to do the impossible – I tried to choose all three. What a fool I’ve been.

It’s almost ironic how I’m finding how miserable I really am – on the inside, at the deepest level, and not how others want me to feel – during this most joyous time of year.

Before I go on, I need to clarify something: one D isn’t that horrible of a grade for the beginning of the term. Neither is a C+. But when you’ve been pushing yourself for so long, and when you know you could always push a little harder, it’s crushing to see yourself slip. Ever since I decided that I needed an academic challenge, I’ve been utterly self motivated. To see my motivation lap seems normal on the outside – but when aimless motivation becomes the only structure you can fall back on, when you have no other way to cope with the stress, it’s crushing to find yourself without your one method of coping.

I know I’m over emotional about this. That’s just how I am. I’ve already been told this year that I wear a chip on my shoulder when it comes to my emotions. And it probably is wrong to let all of this hang out. And I don’t try to sound like a grade snob. But this – the writing – this is how I resolve. This is how I think. This is how I live beyond this pain. This is how I reach out, because I know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. I know these things sound familiar to my friends. They’re bigger, more exaggerated, but they recognize them.

So I have some decisions ahead of me. I can’t keep missing these little things, because grades are like snowballs, and when you miss one, they keep getting bigger and bigger coming down. Then they roll over the AP Cliff and crush you. I have to stop doing so much so I don’t get crushed like this again.

It doesn’t mean I’ll quit all my activities – but I’ll definitely be missing a meeting now and again, and I’m jumping ship on the extra stuff. If I don’t do my volunteer hours for my societies: fine. I don’t care. They aren’t as important as my grades. If I can’t go to a fundraiser or whatever: fine. If I can’t work again after the swim season because I have to focus on studying: fine. If I have to miss more practices to do homework: fine; I’ll deal with those consequences. If I have to skip a camping trip or a scout meeting to do homework: fine. If I have to lock up the Xbox and only use the internet on my laptop: fine.

I’m done living up to ridiculous expectations. It’s time for me to choose what’s important to me. An older friend once told me to “stand up. Dust yourself off, and stand up. You walk forward now. You have what it takes.”

O temps…

2011-10-17T14:40:00.001-07:00

Time. It feels like a post apocalyptic luxury. Better yet, it feels like some subconscious thread, and I am either pulling down or climbing up. I waste what rope I’m given, and always think I have more than I do.

I am poor in time. Yes: I am wealthy in academic success. But it’s starting to cost me my sleep, and my sanity. It’s stressing me out. I don’t have to tools to cope – I try to escape the tick of the clock in fantasies, stories, games, mindless television. I let myself become distracted from the things that call for me to give up time. Before I could even start writing this, I found myself watching Youtube videos and going through old posts to see if I had ever felt like this. It’s quite a miserable feeling.

Let us take this past weekend as an anecdotal example of how I feel like I have no time (and how I tent to waste what little time I have): I spent 6 hours of my Saturday in school for an AP English Study Session. After that, I went to a party in Cumberland, where I knew next to no one. The commute there and back was at least an hour, and it was a crazy hour at that. Then, on Sunday, I spent my morning in church, two hours in the mall with Dad and Chris, and the rest of the day on Minecraft. I spend the two and half hours left before bed doing homework.

Here’s the kicker: we were suppose to visit a friend in the hospital yesterday. He has a collapsed lung. I wanted to visit him. I really did. But I thought I had too much homework. Seeing as I built an entire house in Minecraft in the time I could have visited our friend, and then did my homework in the wee hours of the night, I obviously wasted my time.

Because of stress, I am disarticulated in writing this. I don’t even know why I’m writing it. I have to start The Scarlet Letter tonight, and we’re going to the hospital in less than an hour – which means we won’t be home until 8 at the earliest.

It’s frustrating. It’s like I can’t trust myself anymore. I just deleted my Minecraft file from my computer, and I’m still finding ways to waste my time. I need help…

On this note, I end my mental blurb: Junior year sucks.

Growing Discontent

2011-10-01T13:07:00.001-07:00

For a long time now, I’ve been unhappy about how much time I spend online, on the computer, in front of a screen (excluding my Kindle). I wonder why I find myself doing exactly those things so often – every day really. It’s as though I’m incapable of doing anything better with my free time. For this reason, I find myself growing discontent with myself, physically, mentally, and socially.

I think it’s been about a month since I last took a bike ride. Granted, my front tube has been giving me trouble and I don’t even have a proper pump for the thing. But there’s the mountain bike – I could easily take a ride on that. It would certainly be more of a workout with all that excessive traction, but it’d be a workout nonetheless.

Likewise, I haven’t gone to the gym for a serious workout in months. I was enjoying going to the gym too, but it was hard to get there. I usually rode out and back on my bike. Therefore, I couldn’t really go to the gym in the rain or wind, or after dark. Disney really broke up my vacation; by the end of the summer I was devoting all my time to finishing my summer reading (and to Minecraft, and WoW…).

I think I’ll skip the pretense with this one: I haven’t swam more than once since my mile at summer camp. The heater at work is broken, so swimming basically requires a warm up just to enter the water. On top of that, I don’t have much motivation to swim. There’s no one to race, nothing to listen to. You can’t think much when you’re in the water.

Mentally, I feel a little dead inside. Yes, I’m actively doing my school work. I fire up thousands of neurons in my head every day. Jumping from Pre Calc to French to AP US History one day and from Chem to AP English the next is steadily draining me mentally. My mind is active; my mind is not alive. It’s following the preset thought patterns defined by classes and their social dynamics.

So what is an alive mind? I’m not sure myself. I might say that it’s a mind that actively reaches for something new, strives to create unique ideas and stories, and yearns to connect with people who have similar aspirations. Right now, I’m only reaching out for what is being offered, only creating what I’m told to create. I’m like a robot.

I’m trying my best to be social. More than ever before, I have been talking to people and trying to reach out to them, to learn who they are. I want to and am developing relationships. But they feel almost shallow, lacking true bonding similarities. It’s as though I have been pushed into people facing the same challenges as me, and just need someone they can lean on to get through the tough times. Isn’t there something more to a relationship than that?

My lack of physical, mental, and social stimulation are leading me to a sort of discontent with myself. There’s so much more I could be getting our of life. Yet I sit here, reading my screen, playing my games. Even reading feels like a guilty pleasure: what can I take away from science fiction novels that is more valuable than something I could take away from an after school French tutor or community college type writing course? How is Minecraft teaching me to use my body more efficiently, to grow stronger, to eat healthier? How is Facebook teaching me to hold a conversation with a friend or acquaintance that doesn’t sound contrived?

The answer to all of the above is, “they’re not.” I do see some value in my distractions. SciFi gives me something to dream about, and ideas and hopes of a future free from these lifeboat games. Facebook gives me a way to reach out and connect with people in the short term, and helps me to organize and plan people and events. Minecraft teaches me a little geometry and lots of lessons in design and creativity, and even some engineering lessons when it comes to Red Stone machines.

These things are trivial though. I want to grow up and suddenly realize, “hey, young me was pretty smart, wanting to give me this healthy body and long life, and giving me this sharp mind that still amazes my beautiful children. Thank you, young Matt.” I have to ask myself, are the things I’m doing now beneficial in the long run, or just distractions from the things I know I should be doing instead?

I don’t want to stop reading: it’s too much fun. I don’t want to stop using Facebook or playing Minecraft; they’re too addictive. Contrary to these though, are deep desires to move forward from where I am to today, where I was yesterday, and where I will be tomorrow. I want to go on bike rides and workout in and out of the pool, so I can grow old and not wince in pain with every step up the staircase. I want to sharpen my mind to a point that can write epics and control crowds with Aristotle’s 3 appeals. I want to grow up to make life-long friends, a loving, functional, family, and a community of people around me who feel the same.

I’m not going to reach those goals sitting at this computer. I’m not going to reach them with my nose in a Dune book. I’m not going to reach them reading self help guides on getting someone’s attention. I’ll get them by getting up and moving myself. I’ll get them by reading what challenges me and my understanding – of everything. I‘ll get them by spilling my guts to my friends and having them do the same, until we know each other to our deepest depths and come to a greater understanding of the rest of the people around us who just wait for the same breath taking experience.

I can’t do this on my own. Will someone push me? Will someone bring me to the gym and the pool and pay for every popped tube, or make sure I have a way of paying for them by myself? Will someone hand me a book and say, “learn this because it will be good for you, and not just because [the government] says so.”? Will someone come talk to me for the sake of bettering our relationship?

Not everything in life is handed to us on a silver platter though. These are circular, rhetorical questions. The only real answer is “maybe.” Maybe someone will, or maybe I have to motivate myself. Some of those people I’m looking for? They’re already here. Some of them have already made these offers, and like a fool, I’ve turned them down. I’ve always hated change, especially changing myself. They’re good people though: they’ll help when I get around to asking them to. Some of them I can already do: I just have to get up and do it. But that what I want right now. It’s what I need. Something more than this dreary day-to-day set-in-stone academic existence.

Moving Forward

2011-09-08T13:48:00.001-07:00

Note: Random cool pictures from Stumbleupon are featured today!

It is rather incredible to think of myself as a Junior. Those people (upperclassmen) I admired so much for the last two years? Yeah, I’m one of them. It’s taken some growing up – hell, to get through the year, I’m going to have to go through growing pains again.

First of all, it’s important to note that there’s much at stake this year. We have colleges to choose, careers to think about, futures to fuss over. There are no more free passes – homework is in one time or it’s not in at all. We either show up to work on time or we loose our job. We do our Eagle Projects, or else we don’t get our Eagle rank.

It’s not as though failure to meet these demands would be cataclysmic. I believe failing in anyone of those expectations would be very frustrating and depressing. But in the short term. Long term, I might not feel resentment over one or two missed homework assignment. I’d mumble about not having cash during the school year if I lost my job. If I didn’t get my Eagle though, I know I would always resent my lack of initiative. Everything has a reaction, and every reaction is dependent on the action. So everything ends differently depending on what we do.

That being said, I do believe that in the long run, everything would be fine, despite the utmost academic, social, financial or even physical catastrophes in my life. I have no desire to let these things happen: I know that not doing homework always ends in a failing grade; I know that I’m a responsible life guard (though I am very young), and my boss is fairly amazing and very good at what she does; and there are too many people who would be upset with me if I didn’t get my Eagle (my grandfather being number one on that list), not to mention all the kids I could be helping by completing my Eagle Project.

If these things are any indications, I plan to have a successful school year. It’ll be busy, it’ll be crazy and ridiculously stressful, but in the end I [hope] it’ll all be worth it. Those are the top things to work on this year: completing all of my homework, projects, and papers (and study to do well on tests and quizzes), working only as much as I can without wearing myself out, and getting that Eagle project done.

That’s certainly not everything I want to do. There’s National Novel Writing Month, which is something I need to start working on soon. You can’t write a novel without a plot, characters, theme, general idea of what’s going to happen to who, when, and why. Then there’s swim team, which will take up much of my free time (as NaNoWriMo does in November) December to February. I look forward to getting in shape again, and reducing my time on the 50 Free. I may die doing fly or the 500 (both of which coach has told me I’ll be doing, half jokingly as far as I can tell), but I really look forward to hanging out with the team again – they’re such a great group of people!

If I find the time to practice, I’d really love to play in the Christmas concert with the band. Fortunately, band is the same period as my wellness class, so it shouldn’t be too hard to get a couple of passed a couple weeks before the concert. Finally, there are a bunch of honor societies that I would love to join, but considering there are 4 I am interested, I’m really going to have to pick and choose… Finally, there’s stuco (student council) and sadd (students against destructive decisions), both of which I would love to be a part of.

So, I suppose, that’s my year in a nut shell, looking forward. While I wish to one day aim for brevity, I think I’ll find it much easier to short about these things in a condensed form when I’m looking back on them. That being said, while I do enjoy blogging, it’s fairly narcissistic. It’s “me”-centered. It’s about the things I do, that I’ve done or will do, or want to. It’s not the life we’re lived to call: we should be “other”-centered.

In that vein, I’ve been thinking for a long time about how I feel about blogging. It’s a very selfish thing, to write about yourself and nothing else. At the same time, people don’t always like to be written about. There have been several occasions (long past now, it feels like, but in the last 2 years) where people have asked me not to post about them. I haven’t got much of a choice but to comply. I don’t want to write about only myself – I’m not that interesting. Writing about yourself is for journaling, or for when you’re 90 years old and have made sweeping changes in the world that you want to share with others so as to bolster their chances of success. It’s not something a teen necessarily needs to be doing. Miley Cyrus wrote an audiobiography (or, more likely, had someone write one for her) at 16. 16! It’s stupid.

I’m not saying I won’t continue blogging: my aunt has told me it’s a good way to look at how much I’ve grown and developed as both a writer and a person over the years. But blogging starting out in the midst of my freshman year in [hell], when I was lonely, cut off from all my friends. Every social construct I ever knew was smashed to pieces there, at least for a little while. Coming back to Norton has changed me for the better. While there will always be trials in life, there are also joys. I no longer have to post those things online to be heard – there are plenty of people I can happily share what I go through with now.

So I may continue blogging, or I may not. All of the above should be the indicator that I don’t have nearly enough time to blog. I’ll be lucky to write 30,000 words in November (the normal goal is 50). The first million words are practice, after all.

What I would really love to do is to start a new blog devoted to my creative side, posting essays, poems, short stories, and snippets from my NaNos. I have the URL I want all saved over on Wordpress. There’s some research I need to do – trademarking and such, for the sake of protecting my works. Not to mention the fact that I’ve never used Wordpress before – that’s big boy blogging. And I know that nothing originally posted online will be published – it’s the price a writer pays. C’est la vie.

So that’s it for now – this is going to be a very, very busy year.

One last picture…

I love Stumbleupon <3

Time of Our Lives

2011-09-05T17:48:00.001-07:00

BEWARE: This is a fairly narcissistic post about everything I did this summer. If I had more time, it’d be sappier. If you don’t care about what I did this summer, don’t read it! Also, if I didn’t include you or our antics in this post, then I’m very sorry. Consider this the musings of an old man (as Angelia called me today).

Summer 2011.

This summer has just blown my mind. I don’t think I would have expected anything like this in a million years. I mean, I hoped for so much, but expect? Not in a million years.

Where to start?

It’s funny, that I have to go back through the trail of breadcrumbs I'’ve left on Facebook. What’s more amazing is my lack of depressing posts. I guess this summer started off with a grad party or three.

There was Anthony’s, and Emily’s, and JG’s. I had a fine time at each of them – I got to see Anthony and his friends perform (hopefully not for the last time), I got to meet some new people and pose some interesting questions at Emily’s, and while I hardly spent much time there, I got my second glimpse of how [~~crazy~~] awesome JG is.

At JG’s suggestion, we formed the Board Games Banana’s group, meeting throughout the summer to play all the classics (Monopoly! Apples-to-Apples!) and the not so classics (Munchkin, anyone?). I got to know people who I was only acquainted with during the school year, but always wanted to hang out with. The last board game night took place at my house last week, and while it was just Chrissy and I, we had everyone else with us in spirit. It saddens me deeply to know that I won’t see most of them in school on Wednesday, but I know that they’re out there, in the real world, living the life. I’m thankful for the time I have now, still in high school, with all of life in front of me.

There were other parties. My friend Owen, for example, had me over on multiple occasions. His most recent party was the most… interesting. Of course, I never made it to the beach house, because the woman he was renting it from kicked them out. I’m not sure I would have actually gone, now that I know the story (it’s a great one: ask me about it sometime!), but I still find it amazing that a 20-something year old can rent a multi-million dollar house on the cape.

There’s was Rachel’s super cool, spontaneous pool party. There was the day I spent with Taylor and Raegan. There was the movies with Allie, Angelia and Bass. And how could I forget that huge birthday party of Allie’s? (That was sarcasm, folks. Seriously, it was a good time). There was that hike with Stacie.

I went on my big trips. Summer camp with the Boy Scouts. Disney (a tale in and of itself, which I still need to write about) was a mess at first, but was really rather fantastic. Actually, there were a lot of people who went to Disney this summer.

There was so much more! I listened to a couple of excellent audiobooks: The Name of the Wind, Misquoting Jesus, Childhood’s End. I did all my English AP homework right before camp – I thought The Jungle was too long, but the ending was good enough, and Fast Food Nation was really excellent (it’s one of those books that gets me pissed off at industry and politics). I look forward to getting my grade on the assignment, but I by no means expect to be writing the rest of the years essay’s as well as that one.

And speaking of books, I bought 12 of them from Borders throughout the summer. I’ll never get through them all (considering I have a library book that’s 4 months overdue, and a bunch of other stuff already on my bookshelf and on my kindle. And more audiobooks…).

There was work, even if it was only once or twice a week. There was that one time, where I let my brother plan a party, and I invited all my friends. Then I looked at the Facebook event page and said to myself, “I told him I’m working every Friday this summer…” That was a bit of a lame party. At work, I met some more college students [coworkers], who talked about the people they graduated with and some things that shouldn’t be repeated. They also attempted to teach me how to skateboard, and they gave me a lesson on the gangs of the neighboring town. Real nice people.

I met Edouard this summer, and learned a lot about French language. Since then, I’ve fallen in love with the sound of French music, including the more bizarre stuff like Schizophrène (tu vas dans le mur), and the obscene (such as Les filles adorent). My favorite has to be Elle me dit or Le manège, though I really love J’ai demandé a la lune too. Edouard and I still email back and forth, and I recently resurrected my hotmail so I could IM him. If I ever figure out the time zones (Jet Lag feat. Marie-Mai!), we’ll play Minecraft together on Brody’s server.

We got Netflix over the summer, and so I’ve been watching Futurama. I recently watched The Luck of the Fryish from season three, and I really loved it. If we didn’t loose our luggage, and if our wifi was better, we would have watched some stuff at our hotel in Disney. Oh, and The Labyrinth is on Netflix. YEA!

Eithene died this summer. Her memorial service was beautiful. I will never forget it.

I went to the gym often in the early parts of summer, before things got crazy. My road bike was a lot of fun, too. I love the feeling of being lost, but having a general direction and the option to turn back [that I always refuse]. Also, I awkwardly saw one of the math teachers from school at the gym. Glad he doesn’t know me!

There were some fantastic storms this summer. Then there were some not so fantastic storms. That’s right, I’m looking at you Irene! Loosing power really sucks; having loving family that are willing to put up with us for two nights is great.

So…

All of the above is only a part of my summer. There were so many people I saw this summer – more people than I’ve ever seen or hung out with in anyone summer. It blows my mind how much I’ve changed and expanded in the last year. It seems crazy that I have friends who are older than me. It’s crazy that I have friends I’ve know for a decade. All told though, it’s heart warming to know I spent this summer with friends.

If I didn’t include you or our antics in this post, then I’m very sorry, and mean no hard feelings about it.

Next up: A post about my aspirations for Junior year. Presuming I survive Junior year.

Summer Camp

2011-08-08T12:25:00.001-07:00

Camp. That one week I spend every year out in the woods with a bunch of Scouts. The thing I always have complaints for. I’ll admit now though, Squanto wasn’t all together horrible.

(The picture above is of Chris on the COPE Course.)

The first event of camp was rather unfortunate. I opened up my trunk to find that one of my cans of sun block had burst opened. I blame it on the camp staff that roughly handled everyone’s trunks. While the cans were all in one big ziploc bag, the sticky stuff managed to escape the bag and get all over my ground pad. My flute lyre was the only real fatality – all the music was soaked purple and the plastic sleeves were un-washable, so I threw it out.

The opening camp fire was good. The skits were so-so, but a couple of musicians got up and did some really great performances. The first was a pudgy guitarist who did a great rendition of “Boston” by Augustana. The other was unique – as far as I can tell, it was called “English Curse”. Here’s a performance by Frank Turner. Lastly, the Scout Vespers caught me anew.

Softly falls the light of day,
While our campfire fades away.
Silently each Scout should ask
Have I done my daily task?
Have I kept my honor bright?
Can I guiltless sleep tonight?
Have I done and have I dared
Everything to be prepared?

The vespers make me think of my Grandfather. They make me question the things I have done, and the things I will do. It’ll always have the most impact while watching fire fade into summer nights.

While I camp, I got through about 100 pages of The Jungle. Dear God, what a dry book. Originally, I was trying to read all 400 pages in the one week, but I never found enough time. I only took 2 merit badges, too; geology and sailing.

Geology was fairly boring. We finished the requirements by Wednesday, but the instructor was fairly adamant (rock pun) about coming to class. The only thing I really got from the easy badge was ideas for Notch to add to Minecraft… because there should really be more to do in Minecraft, right? At the end of the week he decided to name us his “Rock Squad” [insert roll of eyes or head clutch].

Sailing was pretty cool, even though we also finished up by Wednesday. The instructor told me I didn’t have to come back since I was the best behaved. That being said after the head life guard flipped out on the rest of the class for being idiots on the water, playing tag and cussing each other out around all the younger Scouts in canoes and row boats. I was not impressed by her (which I’m sort of qualified to say as a guard in my own right). At one point during the week, she told me I needed to chill out. That didn’t go over well with me.

Between Sailing and the mile swim, I met a lot of swimmers. One kid, younger than me, didn’t bring a single pair of swim trunks to camp. He walked around in a jammer all week (at the waterfront anyways), and it was horribly awkward. I met another guy named Madison, who has the third best time in one of the girls all state swim events (the officials read his name as female). Go figure.

The mile swim was actually pretty easy. That’s not to say I didn’t find it challenging: a mile is a long way to swim! It was easy in that I knew how to catch my breath and keep going at the same time. I also had the significant advantage of having goggles, which few other people thought to bring. The only problem with all of this is that I told coach, and now she wants me to swim the 500 free…

She also said she wanted me to swim 200 fly…

Someone kill me….

Another highlight of the week was stepping in as Senior Patrol Leader. The regular SPL left a few times throughout the week, leaving me to plan things like the relay, make sure the scouts got to sleep and sheppard them into doing the right things at the right times. I even got them to march in two line to colors!

On to the next subject: The Food

Basically, it was school food. Read: it was horrible. Granted, I’m a snob when it comes to what I eat (sometimes). Most of the kids didn’t mind it so much; “It keeps us alive, doesn’t it?” It did (barely).

The kitchen staff wasn’t amazing either. The “chef” screamed at anyone who tried to take a clean tray for their seconds, and would explain the finances of it to anyone close enough to hear. It’d frustrating to hear people act like that. It’s very condescending. In any event, I believe it would be cheaper to wash plastic trays with ‘green’ soap. Because isn’t a Scout camp supposed to do better for the environment than using styrofoam trays three meals a day?

I also argued with one of the counselors about cafeteria vs. family style dining. Family style is so much better, and it’s so much less work for the kitchen staff to have Scouts wait on tables. He disagreed, but I guess it’s his right to.

Dad had a field day (or a week, rather) with a very nice Nikon D700 that one of the adults who stayed with us at camp recently bought. They nicknamed her Niki. There were many jokes I can’t bring myself to repeat… Everything he shot came out like gold. Like these:

Munckin was a great pastime for us at camp. We played it every day, without fail. It was usually accompanied by a couple watermelon slushies from the Trading Post or an Arnold Palmer brought in from home.

Honestly, camp wasn’t bad. When I wasn’t stepping in as Senior Patrol leader, and when there wasn’t rush to the hospital going on (that happened twice), I was content to be away from the internet, the computer, the stress of a life overly integrated with technology.

Don’t get me wrong. I missed playing on Brody’s Minecraft server, and I was anxious to get a reply from Edouard about getting together for some building on the server, and to hear how his return flight went.

And not having private showers – as in, a shower with a locked door, rather than a curtain, and not in a line of other showers with obnoxious singing going on – really sucks.

I had all the time in the world to vent, to read, to write, to listen to the sound of the ever-changing wind. I watched the night sky, watched the moving clouds and the rising and setting sun. I had a few laughs, and free time. Occasionally – often – I was treated like an adult. It was a good time. Despite cheating troops in camp wide relays, disgusting food, miserable head life guards, hypocritical life guards, mismanaged and troubling scouts,

I really did enjoy my last year of summer camp.

~Matt

Parlez-Vous French?

2011-07-22T09:45:00.001-07:00

The last two weeks have been very interesting for me. On Sunday, July 10th, a man from my church asked me if I knew French. He intended it as a joke, expecting I wouldn’t know anything.

My reply? “Oui, je parle un peu de français. Pourquoi?”

“Yes, I speak a little French. Why?”

He was happily surprised. He told me he and his wife had ‘adopted’ a student from France for 3 weeks this summer. He asked if I wanted to meet him.

I said of course, and told him I’d call to set up a night he and the family could come over. Eventually, after going through several old church directories, we got a hold of him and had them over for dinner.

The student’s name is Edouard. I think the funny spelling fits him – he’s very different from a lot of people I know. Not in any explainable way though: you really have to meet him to understand.

When we first met, I told him he could use Google Transducteur (Translate) if he needed to, showing him my iPod Touch. He smiled and thanked me, after which my iPod promptly died.

Our conversations were an interesting mix of French and anglais (English). For the most part, I would try to speak in French and he in English, a set up that has extended to our emails (with a translation beneath, in case we weren’t clear enough).

At some point that evening, j’ai demandé s’il aime jouer aux jeux vidéo. (“I asked him if he likes to play video games.”) He said yes, so I asked what he liked. “Gameboy, PSP,” he responded. I asked him if he had heard of Minecraft. “Ouais!” he replied. (”Yeah!”) So I brought him up to show him the server I play on with my friends.

The last thing we did together while he was over my house was set up an actual Minecraft account. The people who host the server he plays on had set up some kind of plugin to allow people to play without buying the game. Because of this, he couldn’t visit our server. So he gave me $20 and I paid for his account online.

I’m excited to see him around the server, but it’ll be pretty tough to explain that he can’t drop dynamite on people’s house…. well, that’ll be an adventure for sure.

The family he was staying with said he opened up a little more after we met, which made me pretty happy. It’s not everyday that I can speak French without confusing someone, or making them think less of me. Simply speaking someone’s language is enough to cheer them up.

I also go to go to Canobie Lake Park with them last Saturday. On the way up to New Hampshire, Edouard and I shared a lot of music. I showed him some classics – “Don’t Stop Believing”, “If I Had a Million Dollars”, “School’s Out.” Later, j’ai téléchangé quelques-unes des musiques pour lui de Youtube. (…, I donwloaded some of the music for him from Youtube. ) He transferred some of his music (all the French stuff anyways) to the new laptop when he came over this week.

“Elle Me Dit” is definitely one of my new favorite songs. Merci, Edouard!

I don’t think it needs to be said, but I really enjoyed meeting Edouard. It was great to exercise my French with someone other than Madame. Because when you’re speaking with someone who’s second language is your first, it means the world to them that you can speak their first language, even a little bit. It’s not showing off, trying to prove something. It’s conversation. That’s all I want, and when he gets back to France (he lives 25 minutes north of Paris!) , he said he’d have his father set up Skype.

Now that I think of it, he doesn’t even need to set up Skype. His family has international calling. Now that’s just cool.

Now I’m even more excited to meet the two students our church friends are taking in next month. It’s very funny that they’re taking in students – they speak no French themselves. Oh well – c’est la vie. (That’s life).

Bracing Myself

2011-07-22T08:49:00.001-07:00

Today and tomorrow, I will be bracing myself. It’s been two years since I went to Scout camp, and I don’t exactly look forward to another week of it. It’s not that I don’t like camping, or the Boy Scouts. I’m just kind of... tired of it.

This isn’t to say I wish I could quit scouts and not go to camp. It’s tempting to say that I’m only in scouts now because Eagle looks good on college applications, or because Mom and Dad are making me. Yes, I do want to put Eagle on my college application, and I know Mom and Dad would be none too happy to hear I wanted to hop out on Scouts after years of camping with me, and hundreds of dollars spent on trips and equipment.

I’m still in scouts because it’s my rut. It’s something I’m used to, and I never like changing the things I’m used to. I think that’s a heuristic...

I enjoy camping. I enjoy the stillness of the wild. I like learning new skills. I appreciate the wise adults who go camping with us every summer. 11 months a year, actually. I appreciate other people’s enthusiasm.

But I haven’t got much enthusiasm left. With any luck, i have just enough to get to Eagle. But considering how little time I have left... prospects aren’t so good. If my project’s not done by December, I don’t know that it will get done. I’ll be working, doing AP work, preparing for swim season, doing NaNoWriMo (hopefully). Anyone want to kick me? That may be the only way it’ll happen...

To be honest, it’s my lack of enthusiasm that is causing me to brace myself. If I had to describe why I’m out of enthusiasm, it would be because of immaturity. Some of it truly is mine - trying to pretend to be more mature than everyone else, more adult, as if I’m on the moral high ground all the time, is stupid and immature in itself. Maturity is a quality displaced through actions, not through telling people I think they’re being immature.

At the same time, a lot of scouts are genuinely immature. I have no right to blame them for this - their ages range from 12-16. I was a quiet kid at 12. Others, not so much. I just have to learn to be patient with them. Because that’s sort of what Scout’s is about – teaching the younger kids and watching them grow up like the Scouts before us did.

In bracing myself for camp, I see there’s only one thing to do. I must pray. I haven’t the conviction to change myself for better - to be more patient, to be more enthusiastic. God only knows how stubborn I am.

So I’m off to camp, where I think I’ll be learning photography and sailing. I don’t remember what I signed up for, to be honest. Enthusiastic, huh?

With any luck, I’ll get through Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle” and get started on my AP English essay while I’m at camp. I couldn’t hope for a better crowd of people to help me go over my paper. If I’m truly fortunate (and on really good behavior, I suspect), then I have a chance of getting to my friends’ cookout on the cape. Now that would take a true act of God.

Games

2011-07-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple days I've been toying around with the spare laptop dad brought home from work: adding a hard drive, a USB hub, ect. But as I've yet to get my hands on a copy of his Windows 7 installation, I've been toying around with Ubuntu instead.

Ubuntu is a funny little operating system. It's unique in that it's a highly GUI based Linux distribution, Linux being the celebrated open source operating system known for it's use of command line and diverse derivatives.

To get Ubuntu set up the way you want, you have to play games with it. Not tic-tac-toe or scrabble - they're more like mind games. There's this terminal command to do this, and that to do that. There's updates and drivers, addons and modifications. There's Wine.

To put it briefly, there's a lot to do. My example:
(You should know this is a technical rant, even though it's a bit simplified. Skip to the next header if you want something more palatable!)

So I want to play Minecraft in my [new!] room on this new laptop. I don't actually have Ubuntu installed, so all of the following steps I have to repeat every time I want to attempt to play.

I start by using the OS's built in Software Center to download Java. Then I need to us the Additional Drivers tool to enable an experimental driver to use with the laptop's on-board graphics card. After those two things are installed I have to download the actual Minecraft file.

After I've downloaded the file, I have to move it to the desktop, since it's properties don't allow it to be run as an executable and it doesn't allow me to change that setting in the download folder. Then I need to fetch my password from Lastpass.com (the most amazing password utility on Earth).

Finally, if I want to play on a server, I either have to go asking (or looking) for the addresses or use the portable Notes app I have installed on my iPod (which I have been using as a makeshift flash drive). Since it's a Windows program, I have to go and download Wine to let it run.

Doing specifically what you want in Ubuntu (or any Linux distribution) takes a good amount of will power. It takes digging through message boards and a copious number of Google searches. It takes a good spirit: someone who doesn't get mad the sighting of problems or complications.

It just doesn't work as is; it's not a Mac. It doesn't run every program under the sun; it's not Windows. It's Ubuntu. It's community driven and open source. It's something corporate OS producers hate, with all their uniformity, conformity. It's something evolving on it's own.

Ride Home

2011-07-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

From Inautonews via Google Images

On the ride home from Rachel’s party tonight, we passed a car. This car had it’s high beams on. Dad flicked his high beams on, then off. The other car’s lights promptly went to low beams.

This triggered my memory of drivers ed. In a class about lights and signals, the instructor (his name escapes me - Rachel remembers him though) told us that if an oncoming car had their high beams on, we could flash ours on and off to let them know to turn it off.

Someone spoke up then. They asked about a gang that had an initiation process that involved driving around with high beams on until someone flashed theirs at the initiate. The initiate would then follow the ‘flasher’ home and kill them.

Back in the car ride home, I had a sudden panic about the idea of being killed. I asked dad about the gang, and he said that people talked about it 20 years ago, but never saw anything about it on the news. He shrugged it off, calling it an ‘urban legend’. I remained paranoid.

Soon there was another car behind us. I panicked. Was that the same car that we passed? I thought. Did it turn around behind us, at the top of the [very gently curved] hill?

As we turned into the driveway, the car behind us stopped. It just sat there for a moment, then went off. In the moment it sat there, I wondered if it would turn in with us. If it had a killer inside. If it was reading our house number so it could back for us in the night.

I jumped out of the car. Dad regarded the trees. He said how amazed he w3as that the trees had grown so much since the moved in. The branches, he said, had once reached only a few inches over the lawn; now they extend a few feet.

I agreed that it was amazing, and nervously walked inside. I walked through my new room and upstairs to take a shower.

Then it hit me.

If the car had turned around, we would have seen it; either in a mirror or its headlights shining into the truck, we would have seen it. When we stopped, it wasn’t that the car behind us was reading out address or anything like that; we had just caused it to stop, since it wasn’t safe to keep going with a car slowly turning into its driveway. It had to build up momentum again.

There was no gang initiate on a psychotic hazing test following us. More likely, it was just a normal guy on his way into town.

So unless something happens to me - unless I die in the night and don’t add something witty to this tomorrow - then I’m fine. I think Dad was right: the idea is just an urban legend.

Productivity

2011-05-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

Spending a little (or a lot of time) doing nothing makes me honestly wonder, what should I be doing right now? I've been idly doing one thing or another on the computer all afternoon - pretty much since I got home. And I can barely remember any of it. All I remember is the rain, the greyness of the sky, and waiting for petrichor.

So I beg the question, what's an inept high school sophomore supposed to be doing right now?

It's not like I can't think of a few things. Top of the list would be Eagle Project, but I can't think of how to move forward without compiling a list of prices for all the materials I'll need. Dad says I might faint when I see the cost, but I'm hoping for some generous donations. If not, maybe my idea for a bikeathon would be more successful than the National Honor Society's... they've moved the date twice because of weather. Oh, well.

Other things I should be doing:

Writing. I only have until the end of next month to get a free manuscript of my NaNo, of which I've rewritten about 8,000 words. So I have about... 42,000 words to write in about 42 days. Yeah: as you may think, things aren't looking so good for that.

I'm thinking that the manuscript would be a good way to print all these blog posts. The formatting would suck though...

Taking driver's permit quizzes online. I'll never get my license at this rate...

No calls from the driver's ed people yet, so I thus far assume I passed the test.

Taking on daily SAT questions.
Figuring out what kind of hell I'll be going through in AP History and English next year. It would help if I knew which type of AP English I'll be in...
Figuring out what I want to do in college/ career/ life. I have no clue right now.
Figuring out how I can push for every scholarship possible in the next few years. Maybe I should see about writing scholarships? Because I know I won't get anything for sports, and I'll be lucky to get something for Scouts (even if I do get Eagle).
Looking for a job. I need money... for bike, computer, ect. stuff. And saving. I feel like I'll be good with money once I have enough that I actually have to manage it.
Figuring out how to build speed and endurance on my bike this summer (and in swim). I owe it to my team to improve between seasons. Not to mention the fact that biking and swimming fill my time better than video games. Sometimes, that is.

There's obviously too much to do. Maybe that's why I haven't done anything: there's too much to do.

Actually, there's more. I wrote all of those with minimal thought, because, honestly, I try not to think about them. Looking at those bullets, I can say that I'm definitely overwhelmed. Knowing I'm a procrastinator doesn't help any either.

So, after my Eagle Project is done, what should I be focusing on?

Grace

2011-05-15T08:51:00.001-07:00

What do you think of when you hear of grace?

What do you even think grace means?

I think I have to explain.

To me, grace is a gift freely given, with nothing expected in return. It’s something totally undeserved . It’s forgiveness; a second chance. The more we grow up, the more we find we need these things.

I certainly need it. I slandered someone’s name in front of her friends this last week, and I certainly had no right to. I hope she forgives me. I doubt she will. It’s a lesson to learn from, I guess.

When I apologized to her, I tried to explain why I was on the other side of our conflict. I tried to explain that even if I’m wrong, then it’ll be all the easier to show someone else grace.

Maybe I didn’t explain it well to her, but grace is not accepting of someone’s wrongdoings. As a friend, showing grace means firmly pointing out that something is wrong, but with a kind and loving heart. From there, you help them see a Grace more abundant and selfless than we can ever fathom.

And I should have said, “Will show me that kind of grace?” She may; she never did for my friend though.

I see where she’s coming from: defending her friend from mine with true conviction. And I feel bad for those caught in the middle. I obviously can’t win: her argument is strong. But like I always have, I believe in my friends.

She’s a good person, excelling in everything she does. She can probably out wit me in any debate, but no one can win me over without my consent.

I may be gullible, but I hope people can see that as a sign of a good friend.

I am sorry, and hope other’s can join me in giving and receiving grace. God knows we need it.

Distracted

2011-03-23T12:34:00.001-07:00

One of my goals for this lent was working towards rewriting my NaNoWriMo novella. I know it’s fairly worthless now, but I do think there’s something to be made from it. It’s just a matter of how much I’m willing to put into it.

I would like to put a lot into it. As in, I’d rewrite this two or three times before I give up on it. However, in the four months since I finished writing in November, I’ve probably spent less than a few hours rereading. In fact, I haven’t even finished rereading. I’m a master of my own distractions.

First it was swim team, then it was finally digging into Cataclysm. Even since Lent started I’ve distracted my self with reading; I just finished “Teen Angst? Naaah…” by Ned Vizzini, and Monday night I finished “Stormrage” by Richard A. Knaack (an entire post could be devoted to it, but I wrote about it for the MCAS instead. Ha ha.). I have numerous short stories on my Kindle that I want to read, and now, thanks to All Things Azeroth and Audible.com, 2 audiobooks to listen to.

While I love reading and listening to this stuff, it’s really a distraction from what I should be doing: working on my story. I think I’m making these distractions for myself under the guise something along the lines of, “Oh boy! I’ve been waiting to read/ listen to this foreverrrrrr!” Well, if I’ve been waiting forever, can’t I wait just a couple more months?

It’s a matter of priorities, to be perfectly honest. It’s about what’s important to me more than anything else. Okay, maybe that’s not necessarily how it works, and writing my book isn’t even my top priority, but it should be more important than reading this or that. When going to pick up my Kindle to read, I’ve had thoughts of going back and reading one of my favorites again; an example of my woeful priority and instant gratification system.

So, before I read anything else, I’m going to finish reading my untitled story. I have about 30 pages left, but I’ll survive. Then I can go do my English homework, as I assume I’ll have English with only one session of MCAS left…

I’m going to go take my preemptive ibuprofen now. *

*I have a soar throat, so it’s not unmerited.

Sanity and the College Search

2011-03-14T13:49:00.001-07:00

So I think I may be a little crazy. Of the 105 emails I’ve gotten from colleges and the college board, I’ve probably asked for more information from every single one of them.
It’s probably completely unnecessary, but I just don’t want to miss out on any opportunities. That’s not bad…. just weird.

Today I was waiting for mom to come pick me up after drivers ed (first class!) with Alex in the front foyer. The trophy cases were covered with construction paper graduation caps with the names of seniors and all the colleges each of them has been accepted to. So, naturally, we looked through them and talked about colleges.
We spoke of the never ending tide of emails from colleges we’ve never heard of and the letters. I told Alex how I’ve gone and requested more information from every college that sends me emails, even if I’m not really interested. Unsurprisingly, she thought I was crazy.
Sometimes I do too. Last night, after Alex and Maddie left, I went up stairs to do my homework. Mom came in and dropped a pile of college letters on my lap, then turned away while I gaped. Another dozen letters? I knew I was requesting crazy amounts of information, but I’ve read all of it so far. Some of it ended up being stuff I’ve already gone through, but most of it was new.

It’s kind of ridiculous that so many colleges are willing to send me letters. There must really be a war out there to recruit good students (not that I’m unfamiliar with that… *cough cough* SE). Though, reflecting on how I behave in and think about my history class, I can’t exactly see why they care about me so much…

Edit: I don't mean that they actually care about me, but I wonder to myself if I really deserve to be thought of by others (not necessarily college people) as a good student when I consistently see what's wrong with what I do. Maybe that's my critical side, or maybe that's just trying to live up to expectation. Either way, I'm be no means a 'special' student - I just try to be a good one, regardless of how average I may be.

I’m not really sure why I keep responding to emails. On one hand, I really want to make sure colleges know I’m proactive. On the other, it’s so simple and so little work or effort on my end that turning down free guides and such is also unwise. And, next year, when I go on a college tour road trip, I can look back at these letters and emails and compare them to what I see with my own eyes.

So maybe I’m crazy after all. Maybe I’ll have wasted dozens of trees in the process of figuring out which college I want to go to. But if it eventually lands me in the right place at the right time, I think having read a couple dozen letters and a few hundred emails will have been worth it.

Life of an Afterthought

2011-03-12T18:01:00.001-08:00

One person is off babysitting. Somebody has too much homework. Someone is going on a snow tubing trip. Someone already had plans when they said yes, then tried to make things work. They didn’t. We don’t even know that that one person is still alive after he brought home his progress reports.

It’s not so much that these people don’t care, or that they’re any specific people at all. They characterize some of my types of friends, even though a lot of my friends are not even close to stereotypical. There’s the one who has work, the one who is studying. There’s the grounded one. There’s also the one who forget, or who made other plans.

Truth is, I’m an afterthought to a lot of my friends. It has always hurt to have plans cancelled – it’s part selfishness, part paranoia. I want to do something, see someone(s). I’m afraid that they’re cancelling on me because they don’t care – care enough to keep plans, or care about me.

I understand that a lot of the time, things and circumstances change. Someone gets grounded. Someone goes on a trip that they only found out about a week a head of time.

Sometimes the problem is that things just aren’t solid, just aren’t definite. That’s my fault (and it probably happens more often then I think). It’s ludicrous to expect people to come to something or go somewhere when asked for a definite answer just a couple days early.

Regardless, it hurts to have plans cancelled. It just makes me more afraid to try again, to try and reach out. I can’t blame people in my past for lying to me to try to save me from feeling hurt when things go wrong; I only blame them for letting me find out that thy did lie, because that hurts more than anything else.

To get it all out there, the plans for this weekend were as follows:

Saturday, go see Mars Needs Moms with Mom while Ben went with his friend for a birthday party. An hour or so before she was supposed to bring him to his friend’s house I asked when we were supposed to go to the theater. She didn’t know what I was talking about.

We did, in the end, go to see the movie. I spent 15 of the $20 I got paid to babysitting Friday night, but it was a really cute movie. I’m really glad I got to go with Mom; it was a good movie for us. Some of the science was annoyingly off – helmets without full body suits being the most annoying. But I thought is was really good, even if the 3D was more distracting than enhancing.

But I had other plans for this weekend, for tomorrow; I was supposed to get together with some of my swim friends. We were supposed to swim and/or watch a movie at my house. We did this a few times at the end of the swim season, but it hasn’t really happened since then.

I really love the group of people I’ve become friends with in swim. I know they genuinely want to get together, and that by opening my house to them it’s my fault for not taking enough initiative early enough. Getting them together twice was really uplifting, but getting cancelled twice has been really tough too.

I just want things to be perfect, for everything to mesh and work right. Sometimes I just wish people would cancel plans for me like they do for other friends. But again, that’s selfish.

Life isn’t perfect, and schedules don’t mesh perfectly. That’s what makes life unique – who we are and what we do isn’t defined by laws as are the movement of the stars through the heavens. What is going to happen isn’t so easily predictable as the alignment of the planets.

We all have our own gravity, our own inertia, our own mass. We pull people in and push people out; we move at our own pace; we have our own baggage. As I slow down this Lent and see more of my gravity and baggage, maybe I’ll get to see more of others. Because we all need help with our baggage, and gravity is a tricky business.

Now that I’m loosing my baggage on the luggage system that is this blog, I should probably go out and deal with the gravity of the situation personally. Even if things are truly cancelled, there’s always another day.

Cedar Point

2011-03-09T05:45:00.001-08:00

It’s been a number of months since I chronicled the 1,800 mile trip I took last summer; I apologize. So, without further ado, here is the story behind our two days at Cedar Point.
We left Liz’s friend’s house late, if I remember right. I over slept; it became a bit of a habit that was more than a little frustrating for aunty Liz.
But we eventually got out on the road, and I did a ton of reading. We eventually reached the park, after driving through the very empty lands of Ohio. It was kind of bizarre, seeing that that part of the country was so sparsely populated. Empty fields….
When we were driving up to the park’s entrance, I remarked about how big the park looked in the distance. It was pretty amazing; a sight I hope to see again someday. It was really like looking at a city on an island. I think one of the first coasters I saw was the Top Speed Dragster:

Top Thrill Dragster is one of the tallest and fastest coasters in the world. Race 420 feet into the sky at speeds of 120 mph on the world's first "Strata Coaster."

Anyways, when we reached the park, we checked in and stuff. The hotel is actually really old. I thought the various maps of the park from before it was an amusement park (and just a little beach village) was really interesting.

We went out to the park shortly after we put our stuff in our room. I believe we went into the park around five, so it was almost like twilight in the park. One of the first rides I remember going on was the Wicked Twister, which sent me up and back down two spiraling towers of coaster steel. It was pretty frakin’ awesome.
We went on a few other rides before we went to get diner at Ruby Tuesdays in the hotel. The modern restaurant was an odd mix with the age of the rest of the hotel.
The next day was quite a ride. I rode every single remaining coaster at the park, bringing my week’s total to something like 24. Liz bought me an awesome shirt with all the coaster’s names on them – sadly, no one has really asked about it. Oh well – they can always read about it.
The last ride was particularly interesting. Liz was really tired, and the park was about to close. I made a mad dash across the park to reach the last ride…
And made it, of course. It was a little old wooden coaster, with the moon rising above the end of the first big drop. At night, it lit up along the sides to make a colorful light show. Since they can’t close until everyone in line had ridden, I rode it two more times before they closed. When I got off for the last time I was cheering because I was so happy to have finished everything.
Later that night, after we got back to the hotel, Liz gave me a key card to the room and I slipped out to the pool. I could hear the sound of the little waves of the Great Lake lapping on the beach. I floated in the water looking up at the sky, full of stars. The wind whipped over the hotel every once in a while, but I felt very peaceful. It’s not as if I could see more stars than I could in, say, New Hampshire, but it reminded me that I can’t always see the stars at home. Sometimes we just need to leave home to see the things that are hidden from us.

Talk about Counter Cultural

2011-03-07T18:58:00.001-08:00

I think culture is a funny thing. It’s such a conglomeration of conflicting ideas and beliefs, codes and creeds. I think one of the most interesting aspects of culture today (or, at least, teen culture) is the expectation to be on Facebook. It doesn’t matter if you post often, or upload a ton of photos, or comment on everyone’s status; as long as you have a human like presence on Facebook, everything is good.

Well, I kind of want to see what happens when we someone breaks this expectation. Of course, I do admit that I have posted too much or too often in the past. Sometimes I wonder if I’m annoying to my Facebook friends (though FB’s algorithms probably take care of that for me). So I want to break this mold, this expectation. I’m going offline for the next forty days.

For those of you who don’t know, the next forty days (not counting tomorrow, or Sundays) are Lent. Lent, simply put, is the time leading up to Easter in which Christians make sacrifice (as Christ did in the desert) to bring themselves closer to God. One day last week I was thinking about what I would give up for Lent, throwing out the idea of the internet to mom as she passed through my room. She thought it was a great idea – providing I still do my school work.

And blog. If there were one exception, she thought it should be blogging. Considering I haven’t seriously blogged in months, I think the next 40 days would be a great time to blog. For me, blogging is a lot about personal reflection. What would be better to do while trying to come closer to God?

Well, reading my Bible obviously would. As would prayer. But I’ve been slowly working on both of those things, the former being my daily New Year’s resolution and the later being a result of the first.

I also thought about what else I might need to do online. I’m slowly working towards an Eagle project, which would mean I need a lot of email work done. So email is still doable.

My history class has also made a group page for Facebook, which can be very helpful… but it’s also not the most appropriate. I hate to say it, but sometimes I think it shouldn’t have been made. Using any Facebook communication as an excuse for not giving this up is stupid. If people need to talk to me – or vice versa – then they should text me. Or email me. Or call me. I’d really appreciate you if you did that this Lent season.

So it’s not so much that I’m giving up the internet, even though that sounds like a much bigger deal. It’s more in the way that I’m giving up: A) video games, B) social networking, C) my RSS feeds (which have been cut done a metric tonne since this time last year), and D) StumbleUpon. But all of this is good for me, I think. Culture may say no, but sometimes we just need a break, a period of sobriety that shows us that the world is more than just pixels.

I may this totally wrong, of course. Plenty of people have healthy lives regardless of how much they use the internet. Two people on opposite ends of the Earth could have a better friendship than two people living right next to each other. It’s my hope that I can learn to reach out to actual people more while I’m offline. That I can deepen my connections to God and my friends and family.

So we’ll see. I imagine this will be a long Lent. We don’t count Sundays as part of Lent, so I will be online on Sundays; I can respond to comments, check FB, see if anyone like any of my Tumblr posts. I can play Minecraft, Warcraft, Starcraft, Battleheart…

I have a lot of reading to do this Lent. I think I’ll still use my Shelfari (which a community manager kindly reactivated for me after they switched to Amazon logins) so people can see what I’m reading. I’m sure a lot of quotes will end up on my Tumblr, since I won’t have much else to post. I have a lot of listening to do, too. And job searching, and drivers ed.

I have writing to do too. I’m halfway through reading my NaNoWriMo novel, and then there will be plenty of rewriting and editing to do. Most importantly, I have my series of posts about my and Aunty Liz’s Cedar Point vacation to finish (I promise this time).

I have another project in the works that is more about shorter works… but I’ll have to wait and see how much I can produce before I launch.

So I have an interesting Lent ahead of me. I don’t know if anyone is doing anything as radical as this – I know I never have before. Most of my previous Lent’s have been failed attempts at dieting.

So, here’s to breaking the molds of cultural for our own good, and not out of spite for it.

And: what are you giving up for Lent?

Worst Snow Day Ever

2011-01-12T14:46:00.000-08:00

I suppose I'm breaking my blogging silence today. No surprises though: I'm whining. Again.

Today has been one of the worst snow days I've had in a long time. I usually like snow days - or I did when I was younger, and there were always plans to be made with friends. That doesn't happen much anymore. So I spent the day at home; I would have rather had school.

Not that we could even have school today if Dr. A had wanted to. I don't think a single teacher would have showed up, and half of the buses would probably tip over.

I got in a little WoW time today, but only a little. Then I went to work on homework, because I was afraid I'd never finish everything. One teacher actually ave me all of my class work for today to do, and tonight's homework, and the homework that was already planned for Tuesday night. She's not even my real teacher; she's our long term substitute for our teacher who is out of school until April. He has cancer. I feel so bad for him... but he still gives a lot of work, even when he's not in school. At least Mrs. D gives candy!

I worked on that homework (all science) for about an hour and a half, and finally gave up in frustration. I probably still have an hour and a half left to do tonight. Mom had me go attempt to fix the Wii, which had a disc stuck in it. Now it has a different disc in it. I think I need to save for a new Wii... maybe if I babysit enough I can afford one by Ben's birthday. What 7 year old doesn't want a new Wii in the house?

I went to go clean my room after that. It's still pretty messy, but I have more time to clean it. Chris practically refused to do any cleaning; he just sat in front of the computer with his feet on the desk, listening to K-Love and texting his girlfriend. I had asked him to get up and help a few times, to which he always responded, "in a minute." I was sick of him sitting there, so I announced that I was shutting the computer down to replace the graphics card with the one my Uncle gave me.

So this is where the trouble starts. Kind of.

You see, I was really excited to change the card. I love opening up the computer, cleaning out the dust and replacing a part. It can change so much, or so little, but seeing any change is really nice.

So I opened up the box and started cleaning with the vacuum. I worked for about twenty minutes until I had cleaned out one of the fans - I love seeing caked dust fly away - and had removed the old card. Dad came up from playing with Ben to help me put it in, since I always have a hard time getting graphics and memory cards in place the right way.

Finally, after 40 minutes' work, I had finished getting everything together. I plugged everything back in and was all excited to go play Civilization V without having to use the ugly tile mode. I pressed power. I waited. I made sure the DVI-D cord was plugged into the monitor and the new card.

Dumbstruck, mouth ajar, I listened to the computer's fan spin and spin while my screen stayed blank, devoid of any sign of activity. Only disappointed at this point, I took it down and tried putting the old card back in.

And still nothing happened.

So by this point I was pretty upset. I had spent a good hour of my snow day trying to upgrade my computer, and I ended up doing much more harm then good. I was pretty pissed. Dad took a look at it - begrudgingly, since it's inconvenience to him - and decided he would bring it into work with him tomorrow. He made a few jokes along the way, but his grumpiness is always something to endure.

I went out to plow the driveway soon after this. I freaked out, worried that I had broken something else. Then Dad came out and flipped a switch. I still felt horrible (and still do), but I was grateful for the good humor.

So now I have his laptop connected to the monitor. I'm using my messed up portable Chromie and have the speakers plugged into the headphone jack. It's not an ideal set up, but it's better than not having a computer.

I'm still frustrated though. I was so sure I had done everything right in switching the cards... The only things I can think of that went wrong are the few beads of sweat that fell in, or maybe the new card required so much voltage I fried the motherboard. The second option wouldn't actually be that bad though: I have another motherboard sitting downstairs just waiting to be installed. Another gift from Uncle Marc.

I want to build a new computer. Our family computer was great when we first got it, and had gone through eough changes and iterations that it really is a new computer, but it is five years old after all. It has a Pentium 4 processor (just one core)! The motherboard can't support more than three gigabytes of RAM. The DVD and CD drives barely open anymore; I have to use my nails to make it open.

Computers change drastically every 5 years according to a man I know who works at IBM. Right now, the advance is in solid state hard drives and the cloud. But that doesn't mean everything else has stayed the same. You can buy 12 core processors now, and with hyper-threading you can have 24 virtual cores at your fingertips. It's not like I need anything close to this, but we have one old processor.

And I know computers are expensive. I know that when I finish my Eagle rank, I'll get a Macbook [Pro]. Though I have to say I don't even need a Macbook as motivation - I continually find myself frustrated with people in the Troop - I just kind of need it. With my own computer I can do whatever I want with it and not have to worry about other people using it and getting confused. Or angry. Or upset. I can play and work unencumbered.

PS: This isn't a "giv meh a computr yo" post. It's kind of a whiny post.

To change subjects, I want to plan a "viewing party" sometime this month. We should have a second couch soon, which will be awesome, and we have a nice little projector we got for Christmas that we have yet to break out. I'm thinking the weekend of the 22... so, if you're reading this and know me in real life, consider yourself invited! (?) Facebook message me and we can make plans.

I'm still in a bad mood, and don't feel great. I have a poop load of homework left to do, and I can't tell if people are serious or not about there being no school again tomorrow. I haven't gotten a call, and there weren't a lot of posts about it... so we'll see. I'm going to finish my homework tonight just in case. At least now I don't have as many options of distraction.

So, I hope everyone else had a good snow day...

[No Title]

2010-12-22T12:42:00.000-08:00

My NaNoWriMo buddies - I'm the hands at the bottom

Since I finished my 50,000 word goal for NaNoWriMo Saturday, November 27, 2010, I've attempted to write a blog post three times. Not that writing a novel is anything like writing a blog post, but I think I've just been feeling the backwash of pouring out all those words in 27 days. I would really like to get back on track. The only thing is, I'm not sure where to pick up again.

I certainly enjoyed writing, even if what I wrote ended up being crap. I've been reworking the story in my head, slowly, and keep thinking about different ways to narrate. I just finished "The Butlerian Jihad" this week, and I really enjoy Herbert and Anderson's narration style, but I think it would be pretty difficult style to write in at this point. I'm also rereading "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" and am surprised at the Lewis's style; it's very much like reading the story as he told it to the children he first created it for, a very conversational type of narration.

So needless to say, I have a lot of work a head of me. I originally thought I would be able to rewrite all 50,000 words twice before the year ended, but I know that's not about to happen. So I'm going to take it slow, gathering my thoughts to get everything the way I want (except grammar, which I know some people will kill me for on the first draft reading).

Writing makes me think about what I want to do with my life. I still enjoy cooking, but to me, it's more about eating the food than making it, which isn't a good thing for people who want to work in professional kitchens. I think there should be a balance between loving food, loving cooking, and serving people; I don't have such a balance. Not that I mind, since I'm not sure that it's still on my career list.

On a side note, I'm pretty frustrated with one of my old chefs. I sent her an email last month, right before Thanksgiving, asking for help with 'cooking month' for scouts - it was my month to run the meetings - and I thought her, one of the other chefs, or one of the students might be interested in some community service and a recruiting opportunity. She never replied.

Careers. I literally have no clue. Sure, I could still go into the culinary world.; people always have to eat. I could write, but I don't think people will always read. I could do something with computers, but I think I'll have starred at a screen for long enough by the time I graduate. So I don't know.

So I don't know. My inbox is currently filled with messages from the college board, which I'm getting since I gave them my email before taking the PSAT's (on which I got average scores). My senior and junior friends are all freaking out about college and I just stare at them and wonder, "What the hell am I supposed to do?" I'm fairly certain it's in my genes (thanks, mom and dad) to be an indecisive person. So I have time, but it's flying faster than I can keep up with.

I see evidence of this 'vol de temps' everywhere; I've lost track of my favorite tv shows, haven't talked to some friends for months, forgotten about homework (which I've done in class in emergencies), and, most notably, I haven't blogged in 53 days. That's right - I haven't blogged in more than 8 weeks. I've kept various emotions and thoughts pent up, but after just a few weeks I gave up thinking about post titles. I even stopped thinking in the third person (like I'm updating my status) and have not learned post more than 2 statuses on a typical day. It's weird, but being more reserved has been much better than I thought.

I'm happy this year is coming to an end though. I really did have a good year, no matter the elephants in the room with me now or the changes I've made throughout the year. I feel more alive and I know for sure that my self confidence and self image have shot up like weeds in the last month. Mostly because of swim team, and from my NaNoWriMo accomplishment, I feel great and look forward to next year; both have made me exhausted, but deep down inside I feel great. I may fall down once in a while, but I can always get back up again.

I have to go fold laundry now, but I'm glad to have done this. Writing, blogging, whatever it can be called; it's nice to feel the keys click beneath my fingers and my screen full of words. My words.

Writing It Out

2010-10-25T15:01:00.000-07:00

This is a post I began December 11, 2009:

"Writing is something I never thought I would love. In fifth grade I had a lot of animosity towards English class/ grammar. I really hated learning about how to use grammar, punctuation (thank God for the comma!!), and spelling, which probably explains my horrific writing on anything not spell checked by a computer. I do, however, love to right even after 8 1/2 years of evil English classes.

One weird thing about some of my righting is that, for example, when I'm in school I always restate the question. I get so annoyed at people who don't: their sentences never seem to make sense. In a weird way this is why I hate getting English papers graded: I hate hearing that I messed something up. I think this has carried itself through out my life: I don't like being told I'm wrong, or that I did something wrong. Partly because I'm too lazy to go back and fix it, but also because I just hate being below what I can really be (the definition of my thus far high school experience)."

It's kind of funny that I wrote this. In the time it took me to come back to this post I've left Southeastern, come to love writing and diversified my punctuation. Through the simple act of writing I have found solace in sorrow and an outlet for creativity and joy. I've come to think more about what writing means to me; I wonder now what it will mean in the future.

I'm very sure that, looking back, this blog would be the best way to watch how I've changed and grown over the past year. It represents how I've driven through the uncharted waters that everyone else seemed to have a map to. It's made me think about my self, made me think about all the tough choices and questions I've faced in the time it's taken to get to this point.

What makes right now, October 25 so special? Has it really been a year since I started blogging? No, not quite. That's on November 21, which I remember as a cold Saturday in which I wrote my first entry because I had little to do besides play more WoW. I remember taking pictures of my book shelf, of writing about winter and the hell I went through at Southeastern. I remember writing about friends, family, movies and books, and getting in trouble about politics, both school and government wise. I remember making promises to myself, and to others, about what I'd write and when I'd write.

Not everything was written down, or at least not here. I write because it's what makes my world firm, real. Some of my most important climax's since last October have been offline, unwritten. Some of them have been written, but not here, not visibly. Some of my greatest growth is the growth I hide inside in my heart, giving me a structure to grow my love, my life and my faith on.

These were some huge moments for me. They can be measured as accomplishments, even if I failed in them or if they them selves were failures. I can call them accomplishments because of this simple fact: I had the guts to write down what I was feeling and thinking over the last year. I stopped holding things in. In one way or another, I was transparent about a lot of things. Writing here, for this blog, had made me write more than I ever have.

I've some how managed to write so much, I've made it to 100 posts. This is my 100th post, and I couldn't be happier!

There's so much more to write though! There's more than just my story, or my family's story or my friends' stories; this world is just one story, rising in actions with a trillion subplots and characters. I have stories to tell, out side of this world, out side of what I already know. Alien history's, the future of species, the magic of the Sky or the Sea or the rain. I have words to say, and I intend to say them.

In fact, I hope to have 50,000 words to say in the next month. I hope to have 150 pages, at least, by November 31. I hope to write - it - out next month. I hope to do NaNoWriMo in a month. In six days I'll be sitting down to pound out a story that I hope fulfills my vision of aquatic aliens and space travel, of language and humanity. I hope to be an honest to God novelist.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be a published novelist. That's would be pretty frickin' sweet.

I have words for iWonder still. That I'll be back. That I need to finish writing about my spectacular trip with Aunty Liz, who gave me all the pictures I need to jog my memory. I have a few words to say about the origins of iWonder and my skeleton-key username, moonwaves_182. I have words to say about life, about growing up, about people and places and things.

I don't know how far my words will take me. I never thought they'd take me this far. I never thought they'd go to my head, like they probably are right now. I just thought that writing it out was the only way to survive.

To survive boredom. To survive school. To survive people. To survive myself.

Turns out words are good for all of that. It also turns out they're good for a lot more. So, won't you watch and see how far my words will take me?

Thanks to my encouraging family and friends who supported me this last year. More thanks for the teachers who taught me English in the first place. The most Thanks to God, who's foundation is even firmer than words.

This is Home

2010-10-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

Warning: I'm a sentimental person. I feel connections to people and places in non-logical ways that make perfect sense to me. I'm not analyzing anything in doing this, but I'm just saying that making connections or indemnifying myself with things just makes sense to me.

With that said, I know I'm home at Norton High. It's the people... they're just my people. Not my type of people, just my people. I watch them smile, and I smile. I watch them dance and my heart dances. I watch them cry and my heart reaches out to them. I think back to the days sitting on the play ground with them, and watch them now as completely different people. If they're new, I think about when I met them.

It's so crazy that we're all so old now. Not that it's a bad thing, but I certainly wouldn't mind being 7 again, if just for a day. I could love everyone openly, and not weird out my estranged classmates. I wouldn't have to worry about how likes who or who did or said what. We could all just play.

I couldn't appreciate being a kid though. When I was, and if I were now, I'd just want to grow up. Then I'd like to stay that way. I know better now though; some things never change. There's something from our childhood that defines us, be it our friends, our teachers, our parents, our siblings, ect. Our love for people, places, things, they don't change. Sure, we become estranged from each other, and forget about our shared past. Not even people who were experimented on together remember each other (at least in Fringe...). We can't appreciate this until we're old enough to look back on it.

As I've been told though, I'm an old soul. I appreciate these things when I sit down and think about them. Every dance that I've been to at Norton has made me sit down and look at these people and who they used to be. It makes me feel safe to be in these people's company, like being home, even is I'm embarrassed that I can't dance for my life. Dancing with them makes my heart dance; their smiles make me smile. Really, when your dancing you can't help but do what everyone else is doing, to a degree.

I stole this from Taryn's Facebook, doubt she'll realize though!

Even slow dances are great. There were 3 (I think?). I danced with 3 people for the second slow dance, one of which was my friend's little sister who was sad she had no one to dance with. Earlier, though, I had a really great dance with my friend Paige (it was girls choice). That was probably the least awkward dance I've had, which was a relief and a gift. I was tempted to call her "Madame President" life I have this week since she gave her "three things I would do as President" speech, in which she totally commanded her self and her audience. Seriously, I would vote for her. My last slow dance involved a big circle of people linked shoulder to shoulder, swinging one way then the other.

And, of course, they played "Don't Stop Believing" as the last song. I was wondering why they hadn't played it earlier, but I was glad they played it last. I was also glad that mom didn't make me leave before the last song. People say I'm obsessed with with that song; in reality, I just connect it to Diner Dance. Just my sentimentality I suppose.

It was a great night. After a long day at home I wasn't looking forward to something I wasn't even sure I wanted to go to. I didn't know if anyone was going, but I ended up seeing *most* of the people I wanted to. Mom was frustrated because I gave her my options so late she couldn't get a babysitter, which meant she had to miss half the Halloween party that a guy at church throws every year (he's obsessed with Halloween). She ended up going after she picked me up from the dance, and I stayed home on the computer until they got back (around 12:30...).

All in all, I had a really great time. I know Norton's my home, and that at least some of these people feel like family. I'm too sentimental, but that's OK. I just hope I can be this sentimental when I've forgotten the names.

I'm Gonna Regret This...

2010-10-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

You know, I really shouldn't be this frustrated right now. I have so much to think about right now. Drivers license, practicing flute, NaNoWriMo, all my papers to write (and present), Homecoming, Haunted Happening, youth Group, Swim Team, tomorrow night's football game, baby sitting, Blizzcon. I can't seem to make a single decision.

Right now, I want to:

Go to homecoming (Saturday night)
Volunteer (all weekend)
Babysit (Saturday night)
Buy the Blizzcon Virtual pass ($40, all weekend)
Go to the Halloween parade (Saturday night)
Go to my first practice for swim team (a captain's practice)

Next week:

Go to the first Crew 12 meeting (Wednesday night)
Go to the Coffee House (Wednesday night)
Have friends over for Halloween (Not gonna happen)

I can't decide what to do. I've been putting off decisions since last week. I'm going crazy. I want to do all of the above, but I can't get 100% out of any of it. I want to go to swim team, but I'm wicked nervous and self-conscience about my body. That's beside the fact that I don't know squat about sports or athletic teams. And I don't want to wear a speedo (as in the compression short type), which I don't even know if I have to wear.

I have to sleep. I have a stupid History test tomorrow and I'm presenting my speech, which will probably suck (Kara likes it, but I just don't know anymore). I'm listening to the WoW Insider meet up live cast, sad that I can't be there. I wish that going next year could be my birthday present, but even now my parents are saying, "Oh, just ask for 2 thins for Christmas this year." Oh wait. I don't even know what I want for Christmas. I got a camera for my birthday, which I love and am very thankful. I don't know what else I want (that doesn't cost more than $200).

In short, I'm going crazy. I will regret my staying up to write this and listen to the livecast tomorrow as I over sleep and miss my bus again because I get out of bed then turn my alarm off. Good night.

So Much

2010-10-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

There's a lot to say, and yay! only part of it is about school.

This weekend was my birthday. I spent it on a mountain. It was awesome! The hike up was great, very windy and the sun was just hot enough to keep my temperature balanced until I reached the peak. I snapped a lot of pictures with my new camera which my dad surprised me with Saturday morning while I was half asleep laying in my hammock.

It was a great, great day. Someone said we burned about 3,000 calories, which made me feel much better about eating so much granola trail mix, cake and pasta throughout the day. It's an interesting game, jumping from rock to rock, both up and down the mountain. It takes will power to stop and look up to see how much beauty we were walking through, but there were exceptions. We took breaks every so often (though I had lots of energy, so I kept going ahead), where we just sat and ate and drank and looked at everything around us.

The fall foliage was really pretty to. Every where you looked you saw leaves, red, orange, brown, and green. Dead or alive, they made for some great scenery. Dad always talks about how he wanted to go up to New Hampshire of Maine to see the trees changing. I guess he got it this weekend! The contrast that I kept seeing was not only in the colors, but in the shadows. I kept seeing how they fell and moved with the wind, and it was really cool to watch all weekend. Normally, I hate that kind of contrast. It's just another reminder of the coming winter, and how the cold darkness takes over the warmth of sunny summer. But not this time. It was beautiful, and inspiring. You don't see that type of stuff around here; it's all roads, lonely trees scattered in yards, dividers between neighbors who can't stand to have an open space between them. But in New Hampshire, it was so natural and flowing, like water. I have an obsession with water...

But ya, that was my birthday weekend. I still can't believe I'm 16. Or that people are expecting me to be driving soon. It feels crazy and hectic... and I feel like I need to go back and read Narnia again. As much as I hated "The Magicians" I can't help but feel that I have plenty in common with Quentin... At least right now. I'm sure I'll be shocked to see how unique I am right now, but for now I very much feel like I'm in the same boat as every body else.

To segway, not everyone in the boat likes me. And I know that, and for the most part I'm fine with it. Last week I was talking to a friend about video games while we were playing Lord of the Rings Online, and I posted a picture to a fan page he had created as a joke religion. When he freaked out that I included his name, I erased it, but I asked him why he cared. He said something like, "I'm afraid of not being liked by everyone." This is kind of a silly idea to have, but it's not uncommon. Everybody wants to be loved, and liked, but no one human being can be loved by everyone. And I told him that. His answer: "Never underestimate the power of humanity."

Humans are innately broken, to say the least. To try to be loved by everyone is folly, and to try and love every single person in the world can be just as ridiculous. Even as I say this, I think about another thing that happened in the last week.

I have this 'friend' who blogs on Tumblr. She posts often enough, usually about Doctor Who and her plans and complaints against her parents. It's a public blog, and anyone can read. As I blog about my diet on Tumblr, I decided to follow her. I didn't reblog (which is like a comment) her posts often, but she lives down the street and is on my bus. I talked to her about her posts everyone in a while, and she never said much about them. Then, all of a sudden, she unfriended me on Facebook and unfollowed me on Tumblr. She even wrote a post about 'that annoying kid who talks to me about every single post'. I was trying to be nice, trying to relate to her. I wanted to be her friend, to see her grow through blogging like I am and have. But she just found it annoying and rude and invasive.

And for a while I wanted to try to change her opinion. Why didn't she like me? What did I do wrong? She always complains about how no one cares about her save her boyfriend and other close friend from a town away. But as I tried to understand her, I went back to my other friend and what I told him. Not everyone will like you, and you can't like everyone. And it's true, sadly. I've watched friends come and go, lie and stab me in the back just because they thought it would be less hurtful than telling me the truth. Seeing and understanding this has been really important for me, and I've stopped pursuing the people who've made it clear they don't want to hear me.

So that's my blurb. I'm starting to feel as if my thoughts will never again congeal properly. It's because they're just to many thoughts to actually process. Maybe one day far off, in a galaxy far, far away....

I'm going to go do my English homework (after I blurb on Tumblr). See some people at school tomorrow...

Objectif ou Subjectif?

2010-10-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

The only reason I write this post's title in French is because it's the only one I'm sure I have an A in. I haven't seen my History grade yet, even though I'm fairly sure it's good, but this post is about History; therefore, this is a disclaimer.

Currently, we're studying colonial times in New England. Our homework this week was to read two readings, comparing and contrasting the writers (William Penn and John Winthrop). In class yesterday, we received what I at first thought was a miracle: he wanted us to talk about the readings, rather than lecture us for the entire day.

So he made us talk about which writer had a better view or idea for the government of New England back in the day. That's where it all went down hill for me. People started spewing off their opinions about the church and the government, past and present. There were some agreeable points, and some disagreeable points. Our teacher eventually started drawing comparisons between Winthrop and Hitler, and I was like, "Seriously?" I just wanted to leave class at that point.

I'm not opposed to people have opinions. I'm not opposed to argue them. But do I want to hear everyone's in the middle of class, where I felt very much alone in my political and religious views? No, and especially not my teacher's. At this point, I don't even want to hear about peoples opinions; we as a society can't live without them, but we as students don't have nearly enough facts to make those opinions.

These feelings come from a discussion I had last night at church. If you remember, there was one substitute teacher at SE who goes to my church. He's full time there now, and so we got to talking about school at the Fall Fair dinner last night. I was telling him about my entire history class yesterday and how troubling it was. For reference, he taught political science at a college for years, but is now switching over to high school. In terms of History and politics, he knows what he's talking about.

Now, to explain this next part, I have to say what my teacher said. At the end of class I was so fed up with peoples opinions, and, not wanting to shoot down all of them with my own (because that never goes well), I ask him this question: "I know everybody has their bias, but isn't History supposed to be written and read [and discussed] objectively, rather than subjectively, like we've been doing all class?" His answer? "That;s just what they want you to think."

Now, obviously my teacher-friend disagreed with this. But he also said that in order to have bias and opinions, you have to have the facts to back them up. We're students; we're still learning. We're supposed to be learning, which gives us more fact to make those opinions on. If we already have opinions, then we have to either change them as we learn, or ignore the things we're learning. In the black and white of politics and [some of] history, this means we have to open our minds and broaden, making the world grey.

I think this is really important to understand. I also think that in those last two ways I stated, I've definitely been looking at things in more of a grey light. And that's a good thing. To set down roots in some things now only makes it harder to move on when you grow up. To set some roots down now, however, save you from the storms of doubt we'll face later on. Hindsight is 20/20, but with all the reading I've been doing, I wonder how badly I've hurt my foresight. So foresight is the thing to work on, then.

So that's about it for this topic. I'm still not happy with my teacher for saying the History isn't objective. Even if it's not written that way (because we're all human: imperfect and biased), we have the ability to do so. To slowly sand away the subjectivity in each area we feel is holding us down is to look threw the storm to the true, silver lining.

Thoughts

2010-09-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

Via Flickr: Divde Restivo

I wish I could collect my thoughts better. I feel like everything happens so fast. I'm anxiously waiting for my grades to go up by averaging them out. I did get my MCAS results back though, and a 264 out of 280 is pretty encouraging, considering my friend J, who's a grade ahead of me, only did better by a few points. Makes me really wish I could take AP Biology this year though... My friend Kara also had an interesting picture up on her Tumblr:

I think it's interesting. I think it's a bit stereotypical, but some things are true of myself, and some things are true of my friends. I think the whole 'trapped in a town I hate' line is true of a lot of teens; I definitely don't always love living here. But I do love a lot of the people around me, and sometimes they take it the wrong way. As for college, people definitely go overboard on it. Because it's important, and we only get so much time to put in those applications. But sometimes I wonder why....

Just why? Why do things have to be so crazy? Especially around the school year. It's chaos, trying to do everything at once. Read a good book, a school book, keep up with homework, study, trying to have a social life - and feeling lonely, like everyone else, when they're all busy with these same things - staying informed on the topics that you're really interested in (which is impossible when your a well rounded person), and so much more.

For example, the biggest change for me this year has been the intertwining of my circles of friends. People from Scouts, from Youth Group, from Band, from first grade that I totally forgot about (sorry...), people who went to SE last year and switched back, people I hardly knew in 8th grade that I'm suddenly in multiple classes with and spend more and more time with at school, the table of people I always sat with in 8th grade, and a ton of other people from my past and continuing present who are all melding together [That was a huge run on by the way]. It's just bizarre. I was talking about it with my friend C on the walk home from the library last Tuesday, and she hit the nail on the head when she said: "It's like for every group of friends we have our own personalities, and when we start mixing them together we have no idea how to act or what personality to bring out." [that was a paraphrase]. If that's not true, then I'm sure that every group of friends brings out an aspect of our personality that another doesn't. Either subscription is hard to understand, in any case. But I suppose that's just what high school is.

And we're fast approaching winter: I keep seeing trees that are christened with red or orange or golden leaves, which, while beautiful, still leave me with an apocalyptic view of winter down my long boulevard. I want to bike more, and go new places (rather than just the same roads in different orders). And I honestly don't know if I'm a good biker... I just know that I enjoy it, and can do 18 miles in an hour and forty-five minutes. That's only 12 miles per hour. I've heard that Armstrong goes an average of 30 mph. Not that I'm comparing myself to him; that would be a pointless waste of words. But it's more of a question: how much do I need to improve?

And before I post this to work on my English homework (we're going to see Legend of the Guardians the Owls of Ga'Hoole tonight), I want to restate how excited I am for Cataclysm. The more I read about how much lore they packed into the new 1-59 and 80-85 leveling experience, the more excited I am. I know enough about the amazing history of this fantasy world to understand what happens when I go okay through it, which will be a first for me. So close, and yet so far...

Alright. I have to go read about Vietnam now. Cho đến khi thời gian tới, hòa bình.

Straight Up

2010-09-21T19:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry for all the hate Comcast. You didn't really deserve it. In any case, the store goes like this; we had a connection problem in which we had internet spontaneously every couple of days. It baffled my Dad and I, and the whole family was at the end of our wits. So we finally had them come over and get the real problem straightened out.

Who's fault was it?

Ours, sort of. The problem was up at our telephone pole. Our *something or another (my dad knows)* wasn't sending packets. I think it was an electrical problem. Anyways, the repair guy went and fixed it for us, so we can now send the packets that are half responsible for our internet connections. I'm thrilled to know we won't have problems all winter, again.

But I did learn a lesson from all this, I think. I'm not sure I can pin it down, but I know that I was wrong to get so upset about it. I need more patience; and just like last school year, I need to go through the proper channels before I start making broad statements. When you start saying things about something - or someone - and the problem ends up being on your end, you look like a royal idiot.

Now I need to send a wired connection up to my room, because we had to move the wireless router to the corner of the basement of the addition, slowing down the connection to by - about - half. It drives me razy, but I've been wanting a wired connection up there anyways; solid, wired connections are a lot faster,which is essential in gaming.

Again, 100 miles an hour. Bed for now, but I may actually get to write in the morning thanks to a half day!

So, anyone else have an internet connection problem like this?

Awful

2010-09-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

First and foremost: I wish we had satellite internet. It seems like we lose our broadband more and more often during the school year. Being stuck without internet at home in the fall could be worse, but it really sucks in the winter. When there’s nothing else to do, I really hate being stuck in doors. At least in the summer I can bike every day. Not in the winter. I also thought I lost my headphones today on the bus, until I found them under the seat in front of my bag (which was itself a seat in front of me).

In any case, this just compounds my awful day. I don’t know why, but the harder I push in school the worse I seem to do. Without internet I can’t check my grades, buy I know for sure I have a C in Algebra 2. It’s my fault really; I didn’t do well on a quiz that should have been simple. I’ve done all of my homework, but I haven’t looked at the notes from class online at all. Today I had a notebook check and will probably – or at least hopefully – have an 80%. I didn’t have one of the questions since I couldn’t even find the sheet it was on, and I didn’t show the work for the other question. It frustrates me so much.

In English, we’ve only had 2 assignments. One was a quiz that Mr. T does for every chapter, and the other was a homework assignment that I passed in a day late, as I’ve already mentioned. I really hope the homework is a low percentage of my grade, but I completely forget how grades are scored in that class at the moment. I also had my summer reading assessment, which was surprisingly easy to write, so hopefully I did well.

History so far has been [more or less] a breeze. I took *most* of the notes for the chapter Mr. O’N assigned, but he ended up going over the main material in class. I discovered I suck at note taking from the book, when I got to the ninth page and stopped, then wrote a single page of notes for his lecture. #fail

And in band, Every time my friend J give me her “disappointed with you” look I feel as discouraged as when I get a 51% on a math quiz.

Then there’s science, which is an 85. Wow; An 85 in an [honors] freshmen class. I feel really disappointed with myself for all this. I wanted a challenge, and I’ve gotten it and tried to meet it as best I can, but I didn’t want all this failure. It really kind of sucks. I know that once more grades are added to the term the average will start going upwards, but this isn’t the start I wanted. I don’t even think it’s normal, which bums me out even more. I felt so arrogant in my first day of science, and I already have a B in there.

So now I can even more clearly see the huge learning curve in front of me. I need to pull my act together, even more so then I thought. I don’t want to be constantly posting about school, because it’s not all that interesting. I should say that I still love Norton, but I’m obviously struggling in this transition. I wear my SE lanyard with my new Norton ID everyday to remind me of how far I’ve come and the lengths to which I went in search of a better education, but the truth is I slightly miss easy classes.

I just feel like a ball of stress right now. I don't know what's going on. I know - generally - what people want from me: scholarships, good grades, perfect behavior, obedience, ect. But I just feel so sick of it at the moment. I want to learn, OK? I also want to do my own thing. I want a lot. Maybe that's my problem. I'm feeling awful.

Transitioning

2010-09-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

Wow. Really. That's all I can say. WOW.

I knew there would be a huge change in switching schools. But was I expecting this much? Absolutely not. The differences are polar. Where do I begin?

Well, I suppose I should start with what I wrote for the Tri-Blog. I wrote mostly about my classes... but it was only after the end of the first week. I guess I keep making my judgment calls to early... then again, I shouldn't be making them at. I really enjoy school now, which is kind of a bizarre feeling after all the loathing. I keep trying to find something to complain about - anything, big or small - but I really can't. I complain about my teachers personalities, or lack thereof, but that's not cool. I could complain about the homework, but I wanted this.

Then, some may ask, why didn't I get in my English homework? As in, the homework I posted to Facebook about doing Saturday, and talked with Tim and Kara about doing on Skype? The letter to my English teacher (the Tri-Bloggers and I decided using initials was best; I call him Mr. T!) about myself, that I was actually kind of happy to write? Furthermore, why would I enjoy writing about myself? I kind of hate myself at times for being so stupid, and that's besides the fact that I can be just plain vain and most likely a little egotistical.

In the end, it came down to my forgetting to print it out. A simple slip of my mind, not entirely uncommon last year. But I didn't realize how strict things were, which is stupid because it's really not that different than I expected. I didn't bring it in, I don't get full credit. Duh. And half credit is better than none. So why am I upset about this with myself?

I think it's because I was privileged last year. I forgot a paper, and I brought it in a week later with no consequence. My teachers always let me off the hook: "Oh, your a good kid, I know you did it. Just bring it in when you can." It's bad policy on their part, but my acceptance of it made it into such a horrible mental habit of expectance. I was "special" not because I did my work and usually passed it, but because I was just a generally good kid; a big fish in a little pond.

Now that I'm surrounded by other generally good kids, other fish my size in a much bigger pond (actually the building is a lot smaller, but what ever), I don't get that stuff anymore. The saddest part is that I think I actually expected it. "Just a good kid..."

So I feel like an idiot. I told the teacher the truth of course; he gave me a one time warning, and only took of 50%, rather than the normal 100%. I still have to bring it in tomorrow - I better double check that I put it in my folder. Oh, and I lost my sweatshirt today (yea... the Southeastern one. I actually liked it... it was my birthday gift last year). So it hasn't been the best day yet.

But there are good changes! And changes in the middle, that just feel alien. For example, my day feels 3 hours longer, and I see the sun every afternoon! That it's not cloudy that is (I feel another storm coming...). I love how quiet my bus is. I can hear myself think, and have a decent conversation with friends I hardly knew before, friends that I knew in preschool, and friends I've only just made. Everything sort of mellows out on the bus ride home, which feels so much shorter than SE that I couldn't care less.

One totally foreign change for me is the tying together of my circles of friends. It's weird to have lucnh with Tim (a Tri-Blogger) and my friend J, who was on my bus last year and heard me talk about my blog often enough and never wanted a part of it. It's odd to have lunch with the same group of people I did in 8th grade (all girls), or with T and her boy friend. It's weird to see that little scouts I watched cross over into the Boy Scouts are now in high school - and still the same size. And when I realized that they were in the same grade as my friend that moved back from Florida - and that they were in my lunch - I was like,"Holy crap!" It's so weird. And then there are the girl scouts that all go to NHS, and the other scouts (I try to keep an eye on them; I always wondered what they were like outside of scouts). And having lunch with Nicole is awesome - except that she has a torn ACL and tendinitis in her rotator cuff and one other thing. To think she's going to go do more softball before the year ends....

But there's just so much change. I'm working, rather than sitting around observing the social patterns of my classes, trying not to get to involved. I want to be involved now. I love seeing my friends every day, even if all I see are shadows of past memories and innocence, masking who they may or may not have become in my absence. The changes in people vary greatly depending on the person, but a lot of them are the same, and a lot of them are completely different. One person is so quiet now, and tall and skinny, that I do a double take every time I see him. It reminds me how much everything and everyone changes.

So I'm going to try to live with these changes. Procrastination and bad memory will be my great Enemies this year, and it'll get pushed every time I go to do something. But over all, school has become more or less enjoyable, and oddly educational!

So before I go, I just want to say that the Fall is really setting in on me, and I don't know how to handle it. But I *may* be going to the Halo: Reach midnight release tongiht with friends, so that'll be fun. I still need to write my Tumblr for the day, and else where, and check on Ben... Haha, guess that comes first.

More school tomorrow. Ready. Set. Go.

Kennywood

2010-09-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, August 11 was Kennywood day. We got there around 10:00, which meant we had to wait for half an hour to get tickets. It wasn't a long wait, but I wanted to get in there! By 11:00 we were standing in line for our first ride, a new one: Sky Rocket.

It was a quick moving line: I would say we waited for about 40 minutes. We did have to wait for the ride to open though, since it wasn't opened until 11:00. We got in at 10:30, so there was an additional 30 minutes of wait time, but it was so worth the wait!

The all blue coaster was built on top of an old race track type ride, which I thought was interesting. I doubt the line for that was ever as long as this one was! When we finally got to the front of the line we sat in the front row. I was wicked excited, and soon we went 0 to 60 in 3 seconds!! It was a short ride, but well worth the 85° drop. The image of the sun burning in the bright blue sky is still amazing. I hope I can see it again... With the same weightless feeling as last time!

I believe the next ride we went on was the Phantom's Revenge, a roller coaster that uses the hill on the side of the Hudson River as part of it's slope, which made for a great rush. The line here was extremely short: I think it had just opened, and it was much farther from the entrance than Sky Rocket (which is literally right next to the entrance). I enjoyed that one.

If memory serves correct, the next ride I went on was an indoor roller coaster called The Exterminator. The theme was that giant rodents had overrun a power plant. I convinced my aunt to go on it once, since she had said she really didn't like it. It doesn't help that the inside isn't completely air conditioned either. But it was a fun ride; I enjoyed the spinning at the end (Liz, not so much). The scenes we rode through were interesting, and certainly more cartoon like than the waiting area, which was made of real equipment from a power plant.

We went on some more rides and walked through a fun house with a Noah's Ark theme (though it was a little dark), and I got some fries, supposedly the "Country's Best Fries". I liked them, but I believe I've had better. I'm guessing they would have been infinitely better with the cheese and bacon everyone else was getting, but I digress. At that point I think we headed out to the car for lunch, were we had some more chicken salad and through the rest away (it was, like, 3 days old and the fat was congealing). I had a cupcake and a soda, the cup cake being left over from a family cookout we had had the weekend before we left.

We went back to the park to ride the rest of the coasters, and I even got to ride the Sky Rocket a second time. We went on a racing coaster, but I forget who won. We went on a wooden coaster, and a Turtle ride. Turtle Turrtle Turrrtle. And we went on a cool ride where we rode in a car that drove through this haunted house, and we were armed with laser guns to shoot them. I found it cool that they weren't on a track, but on wheels with a sensor that kept them on the same root and stopped if there were obstacles.

We also rode the carousel, which was fun, but no where near as fast as the one at Crescent Park in East Providence. It was a lot bigger though! I had a really great day and night though, and am very happy I decided I wanted to go there in addition to Cedar Point.

We got back to Aunty Liz's friend's house by 11, and I went to bed much earlier. Tomorrow we'd be driving all the way to Cedar Point in Ohio, right up on a Peninsula sticking into Lake Eerie.

Apology; Announcement!

2010-09-07T12:25:00.000-07:00

So, first I want to say sorry for not posting my first vacation post until today. I only got one day of the seven done, and I'm just kind of overwhelmed right now. Summer ended more abruptly than I thought it would. As I write this, I have my character in WoW on auto-run, heading toward a big in game even. They would release it right before school starts....

But I'm sorry that I couldn't do all the post before schools started. I still plan to do them, but it will be a lot more stagnated than originally planned. It was a lot of awesomeness that I wanted to write about, but I think I'll have to pick and choose the details.

But I have an announcement! I have another blog! Yay! Of course, it's a Tumblr, so it's meant to be like micro-blogging (like twitter, but with new character limit). It's called Matt's Serious Diet, and it will be all about my new diet that I'm officailly starting tomorrow. Until then, I'm kinda pigging out. Now I have to go to the library... and work on summer reading.... ugh.

Anyways, when my mind isn't so muddled, I'll be ready to write more, including (possibly) while I'm at the library this afternoon. Until next time, arrivederci.

One Week - 1800 Miles

2010-09-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

This Summer I took the trip of a life time with my Aunt (for about 1100 miles of it) and brother and grandparents (for the other 700 miles). I went to Kennywood Park, Cedar Point, Niagra Falls, Fort Ticonderoga, and the Ben and Jerry's Factory in Vermont. Be warned: this will be a massive post (I think a 1000 word limit to each post in necessary).

It all started Monday, August 9, when I left home to go to Great Grandma's house. I think I was putting off going - I certainly put off packing until the last minute. When we got five minutes away from the house, I made mom turn around so I could grab my sweatshirt (which I ended up using maybe twice all week). Eventually, I got to Great Grandma's around 8:30, packed and ready to leave in the morning.

I don't think my Mom wanted me to go either: she stayed and talked with Great Grandma and Aunty Liz for an hour. I know she likes to stay up to date with them, but it was a big trip and she was worried for me; I understand that, which is good since most of my friends would probably get annoyed with their parents for this.

She eventually left, taking my brother with her (thankfully). I went up to the guest room around 9 (I think) and proceeded to read until about 11 PM. I was reading that depressing book at the time, The Magician's. As depressing as it is, the only books I ever put down once started are the wordy ones (historical and Tolkien are examples). I finally knocked out around 11:30, and only stayed up so late because I was waiting to text Nicole, but of course she was busy...

In the morning Liz and I set out, waving goodbye to Great Grandma. I set up the GPS alongside the massive list of directions I had printed out, and Liz was more or less on autopilot until we left the state. She may be from Maryland, but she sure knows her New England. When we got on the highway, I took out Omnitopia Dawn, my current favorite book (I bought my own copy last week!) and began reading it out loud to my aunt. After I finished the prologue I went back to silently reading The Magicians; reading out loud takes a lot out of you!

The day continued like this for a while; I would read one chapter of Omnitopia out loud, then read a chapter of Magicians to myself. I had to stop reading out loud after about 4 chapters since my throat was beginning to hurt from the strain. However, I did learn that reading out loud makes it a lot easier to remember details than reading it does. Like my French teacher always told us that learning the same thing multiple ways increases your retention of what was being taught, my aunt told me that she would speak out loud some of her school reading in college to help her remember. Sounds like a tool I'll need in French this year!

We stopped at McDonalds early in the morning to use the bathrooms and get some drinks. I was so happy to have `wifi, which is really the only thing I used it for during my time with Aunty Liz. We always had something to talk about while I wasn't reading (be it to myself or out loud), which made the chance that I would listen to it very slim. I did struggle through some of my Reeder feeds, but I've only just now found how boring some sights can be (see Gizmodo and Engadet - both of which I've unsubscribed to).

I enjoyed talking with her about some of the stuff I've blogged about in the last year, especially the school related stuff. It put things into perspective for me, even if I didn't completely agree (which really wasn't all that often). We also talked about some family stuff, which is nice. I think I forget sometimes how lucky I am to have a huge family, and one that almost always gets along well at that.

We passed through Scranton, Pa, and I
instantly thought of The Office

We also passed through the Dunder
and Mifflin counties...

In the late afternoon I began reading out loud again, even though I had gone chapters ahead of where I had last read out loud. She said it was fine, since she would be reading it herself when she got home. I was marveled by how slow I was reading out loud; it felt like I was reading at a pace of page in 5 minutes. I only read 3 chapters out loud but lunchtime. I forget how far I was when the sun started turning orange on the horizon, but when I finally looked up I realized we were in some beautiful country in Pennsylvania. We had also drove up the highest peak in New York earlier in the day, which I watched briefly before going back to the book.

We eventually stopped for dinner at some restaurant called Hoss's, a steakhouse where you order your meal at before you're even seated, and given plenty of time to grab as much as you want from the huge salad bar (complete with fresh bread and soups, including chili). I was also pleasantly surprised to find some more wifi, with which I caught up on Facebook while we waited for our meal. When we got it, I started a trend for the week: I took a picture of my meal with my phone and sent it in to Facebook, complete with a description of the where and the what. Liz also made our joke for the week: "Go different places and throw it up," (or something to that affect). She said this when I asked what we'd be doing for the week (I had no idea we'd be eating every meal at a restaurant - or cafeteria-type thing in the parks - so thanks Aunty Liz!! Your awesome!). She made up the phrase by combining the phrases, "Mix it up," and "Throw it to the wind."

She also wanted to see me shoot ice cream out my nose at some point in the week - and catch it on camera - but [not so] sadly it never happened. So we finished up dinner and left, very close to her friends house in a suburb of Pittsburgh. We arrived around 10:00 (I think?), and I was shocked by the conformity of the suburbs. I felt like I was on a TV show's set featuring mildly desperate, rich housewifes or some family reflecting modern culture.

Apparently the friend had had Thanksgiving at our house years ago, when I was still a baby. I had no clue who the lady was, but she was nice enough. I stayed up until 12:30 with her and Liz, just talking until I finally asked where I'd be sleeping. I choose the couch, and was woken up around 6 for Kennywood!

Next post.

End: Summer

2010-09-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

A little more than 2 months ago, I wrote a little post about summer. I also wrote about this little kayaking trip I did and all the fun I had on it. I met up with a friend on the Fourth. From there I went to the library most Tuesdays until I went to camp, and frequently partied by the pool at her house. After that I had a little trip to Pennsylvania, Ohio, New York (state), this little river that goes over some rocks, and Vermont - a trip I've yet to write about - with my awesome Aunty Liz most of the way. And of course I've played some WoW, but also a lot of Starcraft 2. All in all, this was a pretty epic summer.

Sure, there was plenty I didn't do. But honestly, the only thing I can think of is more blogging and one summer reading book (which was assigned in school before I was a student there; I need to go look for it at the library...). Thinking a little harder, I didn't get all that much time with friends last month, and I was grumpy more often than not. I could have done a lot more chores, and actually write them down, but I didn't. And I never got Drakes to 75, which is a little disappointing I suppose...

But I don't think I'd trade this summer away for anything. It's been a really good two-and-a-half months, and I saw friends a lot in July. I wrote a little, but I think I'll be happy with myself if I finish off my first hundred posts by November 21, which will be Moonwaves iWonder's one year anniversary. I'll also have NaNoWriMo in November, which will be more writing than I've done for fun in the last year combined. Seriously, I'll be a real author, even if my book sucks donkey poo.

As for Wow, I should not be disappointed; it's just a game. I have more than a few months left to level up, even though I won't even really be playing on the server when Cataclysm comes out. Also, speaking of Cataclysm, my friend Mike told me he'd go with me to the midnight release at Gamestop. I may hate the store, but I know Gamestop's always have awesome midnight release parties (when enough people show up). Now I just need to recruit some more people (who actually play).

But that's further down the road. Right now I'm in that twilight period between Summer and Fall. This is one of the hardest times of year for me, and I'm not sure why. Some times I think it's because the Summer is so full of life and energy, and the Fall is just weighed down with death and entropy. Not to mention my friends mom died 3 years ago as of last week, and my great grandfather died in the fall. There have been winter where people's family members have dropped like flies in the Christmas/ post Christmas season, and that's really hard. And when I see my shadow is twice my height at 5 P.M. I just sulk.

It's all these things that make me hate going into the Fall. I don't want to give up Summer: to forfeit is to lay down all the fun of Summer for the misery of Fall and Winter. Maybe it won't be bad this year, as I'll have someone to share this with (when she's actually around). Maybe it'll be worse than in years past. I have no way to tell but by the beat of my heart when I think of the dark and cold months ahead.

But there's always the memory of Summer, sitting right there to cheer me up. I can still look out my seat on every roller coaster at Cedar Point, or up at the warm, starry night by the hotel pool that I had all to myself. I can go back to the beach with my friends, and with my family, and I can still stare out at the sweeping winds of East Providence in my great uncle's trees. I can feel the sun on my skin and the water between my toes in the Delaware river, and I can mentally practice diving and rolling at A's house mid afternoon, with the sun shining straight through the trees. I can relish that it was ever warm enough for me to get a heat rash, or picture the hundreds of fireflies in upstate New York (I really, really wish I had a camera that night). And finally, I can watch those waters flow down Horseshoe Falls, creating a mist that rises and rises right up to the walls of the Falls.

Those were only some of the highlights of this Summer. And they're backed by plenty of other Summer memories: of Dennen, the Caribbean, Disney, the Beach, Water Country, Six Flags, blueberry picking, ice cream, Fourth of Julys past, and so, so much more. Now I can be free to look forward to hope, for even better Summers to come. I can ever look forward to the first snowfall, and the first blizzard, and to Cataclysm, and to apple crisp and cider, and to Thanksgiving, and to Christmas and New Year's Eve.

When I want to, I dry up all these droplets of hopes and memories until I leave myself dry and empty, utterly depressed by everything. But when I let these droplets flow, they fill me with excitement and vigor that draw me closer to those times, both past and to come, and let me fully enjoy the moment for what it is.

Like this moment now: I'm in the middle of a hurricane. Not literally of course; I think it's a lot closer to the Islands. But I went swimming in torrential downpour a little while ago, and only got out when I saw a flash and heard a little thunder in the distance. It's exciting to hear wind whip by and listen to the rustling leaves outside during the calm parts. Of course, I was hoping for the storm to be much worse, so I could go help the troop and hang out with my friends, but it wasn't that bad, so we weren't need. So here I am, enjoying the moment.

And just like that, I spent my evening writing this post. Summer really is slipping away, whether I like it or not. I could write some more about my Summer (and I promised I'd write about my trip, so I will be), but Chris just went to bed and I'm keeping him awake. I'll add some more pictures to this tomorrow, and I'll write more tomorrow night. Promise.

But I pose this question: What did you do with your summer?

Until next time, Enjoy the Moment and stay Safe in the Storm.

Camp...

2010-08-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

So, I'd like to start by saying my week at camp was very much like my 'volunteering' this past week. I had decided early on this year I wanted to take a hiatus from scout camp, and just enjoy my summer. But Chris wanted to return to a Christian Camp with his friends. My parents told me it would be good for me, that I could get out of the house and have a change of scenery. I really, really didn't want to go.

I can say exactly why, too. Last year when I went I was surrounded by 12 year olds talking like horny 18 year olds in the cabin. There was no separation between the younger, woefully immature kids and the older kids. This is the problem when you call camp 'senior' and allow 12 - 17 year olds to camp. The younger kids think they're on the same level as you, when they're not even close. If it were truly a senior week of camp, then it should be incoming freshman and up, period. It's pretty sad that they've even made exceptions to age limits (though I may be incorrect on that count). Last year I could get along well with maybe 5 other people, and I was not anxious to return.

I will admit that the kids were much better this year, even though their personalities really haven't changed. I think this was in part thanks to me not actually seeing them for the duration of rest time, as I was given permission to sit on the back steps and do my summer reading (which, apparently, isn't done, since I never got the pre-ap history assignment). Because I hardly had to hear them during rest time (except one day when they made it silent rest and I had to be inside. That day wasn't bad though...). There were some new kids this year, as well as the ones I met last year. There were 12 year olds who live on camp who were always excluded last year because they were 11, therefore not actual campers. Overall, the kids were much better this year, which was my main complaint about going.

My other huge complaint was answered months ahead of time, though I still cling to it as a bitter reminded of my first year at said camp. Last year, we didn't swim once. And we were right on Cape. My friend told me it was a different camp director this year, and that the last one was weird in that he didn't like to go out to the beach. Ironically, I only swam once all week. I did take a kayak out everyday, which was a boat load of fun (it's punny!). I just really wanted to finish my book in that one week (and Aunty Liz told me I had to to go on the trip and read Omnitopia Dawn, which was kinda a fib...) and the beach was a great place to do it.

And the last negative thing to say about camp was, well, me. I didn't want to be there, which made me irritable all week. Knowing that it was making me irritable made me even more upset as the week continued. When I stepped out of camp boundaries on one foot for one step while running, playing capture the flag, I snapped. I got pissed, both at everyone telling me to go to jail and at myself. I ended up sitting out and reading some more. But it was little things like that made me miserable all week; both with camp, and with myself.

It's not like I'm used to being king of my own life; my last post made that obvious. On top of that, I'm a fairly obedient son/ student/ scout/ Christian. But when I start making imaginary arguments about petty things in my head with the people I should be honoring, I know I'm in a really bad place (for example: I was this way with administration at SE).

But the week wasn't without it's high points. I certainly learned a lot in Bible (mostly from the director's wife, who was a much better speaker than he) and supposedly saved one needy girl's life. Of course, she never texted back after camp, but if anything happened I think I would have heard by now... She was very miserable when we first met. By Thursday night, which is the extended worship night where everyone testifies in one way or another, I had built her up enough for her to sure her story with the group. She left camp very thankful to me (like I said, she was very needy...) and hopeful to see me again.

I actually feel bad that I haven't texted her since then, but I literally couldn't. I left my notebook at camp the day we left (the particular girl was actually distracting me when we left the dining hall), which had her number in it. So now that I finally have it back from my friends, who hate Norton with a passion but live here in the winter and down at camp in the summer, I sent her a text. Hope the number's right this time, and that's she doesn't obsessively text me.

But Thursday night... that was the night that made going to camp worth the week. When people start sharing about their past, about their doubts or suffering or abuse, it's make me feel. I don't know how to describe it. When a counselor tells you he was once an alcoholic wrist cutter, son of a drug dealer, and see how very far he's come, that's moving. And when a counselor says that for the first 20 years of his life he was just acting the Christian part, you can automatically identify with your own cluelessness of childhood. The rich girls with there huge houses and go to private schools each stood and said, crying, "I don't deserve all that I have." And I shared about something I saw; not a dream, and not a daydream, but a waking vision that still reminds me that my head is as open as a country barn in the middle of the city. The power of those nights invigorates us, and encourages us to fight the fight for those we care for most. As one kid said, it's a spiritual recharging.

As usual, the rest of the night was filled with tears and hugs, and ended in a sugar high at store time. Even the next day was upliftingly hug filled. I was so happy to see a friend I had helped this winter, and she was over joyed to see me. She pulled me out side and just cried thank you over and over again, because I was the only one to help her, even though it was just a few texts. And the other girl I helped was even more emotional that I was there for her, because she was loosing it only two weeks before camp.

It's things like these that move me so greatly that I wish my friends could see. I want them to see that the bread and the wine are more than just a few calories they have to sit in church for. But I can't make people listen if they don't want to hear it. And that's discouraging, but that's what's great about camp: it recharges you.

Anyways, I could probably keep writing, but I don't really feel like it at the moment. While I really didn't want to be there, it wasn't a waste of time like I wanted it to be. I got to see some friends again, and make new ones as well. I found out the assistant director is going to the Philippines for three years, and that it's easy to make myself miserable even when I should be happy.

Now I gotta get ready to go to the gym (stupid rain). Jusqu'à la prochaine fois, être fidèle.

Voluntold and Uh-ohs

2010-08-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

So, imagine how tired I am right now. I spent all last week at church, from 9-12. And that was right after I got back from vacation (something like 2000 miles driven). Then I went to help with a friend's Eagle project Saturday. I went back to church for confirmation class, to which no one else showed up, so I got up at 8 for nothing. And finally I went to the dentist the other morning for a 9:00 AM appointment to get a tooth filled. I am exhausted.

The worst part though? I had no choice in any of it. I've been voluntold to do things for the last week. Not that I particularly minded doing it, but I was tired from the get-go and really didn't want to be up at 8 AM everyday. So much of my volunteering has been voluntolding, and I really hate it.

My dad took this: don't I look happy? Also in the town paper...

A prime example of this was last summer right after scout camp. I went from a nice Saturday morning after camp to cleaning invasive water chestnuts out of a local pond. I did not want to be there at all, but I do want those water chestnuts out. I've actually considered making it my Eagle, but I don't think I'm allowed to since the conservation comity already has a plan in place. But the point is, I was voluntold to help them with this last summer after camp against my will. The commity does this summer after summer, and not just for one day. If I had been given the option, I probably would have gone and done it another day. But I wasn't, so I was a sour grump the entire time.

Volunteering is important to the community, absolutely. But when you require people to volunteer (voluntell them) for a specific project, you usually don't create any enthusiasm. Norton High requires each class to do so many hours of service to graduate: in my class's case, it's 50 hours. Honestly, I can do that in a year, and probably will when I do my Eagle project. But it gets kids into something, and they might even find they're passionate about it. By giving them time and options, they give us a lot more potential to grow enthusiasm. In a way they are voluntelling us, but they're not making us do anything specific. We just have to go out and find something important to us, and help to foster it.

So that's my thoughts on being voluntold to volunteer. I'm actually volunteering the 1-3 next month at TPC with the OA lodge.We're doing something with food, so I think it'll be a good time. I was just happy that I was called and asked, "Can you help us with this?" Rather than being told to help with it.

As for uh-ohs, I stepped on the scale after vacation the other day. I am not pleased. 210. I really can't complain about over eating while I was away, because eating eat is kind of a big deal for a foodie like me. But I suppose I not happy with my self for not practicing self control (which has always seemed a problem for me in a few ways, like sticking with a plan, ect., ect.). At camp we learned a verse about the Fruit of the Spirit, a prime one being self control. This is the fruit I want to cultivate the most, but I have absolutely no idea how. I'm not even sure if it's the Fruit I should cultivate first, but I need to pray about it before I can figure it out.

As for the weight, it's a problem. I don't even see myself that heavy now; I must be a bit taller, I suppose. My self esteem has definitely gone up with all the biking I do, but it's not going to peak for a long time. Once I get into swim team, I'm sure I'll start dropping pounds like flies (or so I hope). But I don't want to go into the team looking like I do now. Which is funny, because one Eagle scout I know did the opposite: he was a 'husky' guy who was sick of himself, so he joined swim team.

And this raises the question of why I want to join swim team in the first place. Do I just want to be an exhibitionist? I should hope not, but I'm no psychologist. Our vision-driven over stimulated cuture has definitely hurt my generation, which is why it hurts my self esteem to look at myself in the mirror and not look like a young male model, actor, or top athlete.

Do I want to get into shape, and stay that way? Certainly. I've gone up in done in weight ever since 6th grade, and it really annoys me. To be chubby one summer and skin and bones (at least that's what my dad thought I looked like) and then chubby the next is no fun.

Do I want to do a sport to get out of my boring routine of playing WoW or reading and being anti-social every chance I get during the school year? Again, absolutely. I love WoW, but when none of your friends play, your devoting your time to something that seemingly no one else cares about. It doesn't make me play any less, but it doesn't make me any happier.

Do I want extracurricular on my college application? My teachers (and just about everyone else) tell I do. But when you put it that way, it's just another thing to do for school. It devolves it from a fun sport to an item on a list worth far less value than the effort put into it.

From pmc.org

All in all, though, I do want to do swim team. I need to work harder on those questions, and I need to get myself into shape. I think it'll be fun to be on a team for a change, and to have a winter activity to do. I believe I've come to like biking better, but I still have an affinity for water. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be in good enough shape to do the one day Pan Mass challenge next summer. If I do, then I absolutely need to be in shape, and I need to do fund raising as soon as I'm sure I want to do it.

But I've by far digressed from the main point: I am, once again, over weight. I always seem to change my mind about when dieting is easiest, but it's not about it being easy any more. Dieting, and now (more importantly than before) exercising, has to be effective. Just so every one knows, starvation diets are nor effective (your body starts rationing your fat, rather than burning it). I have until the winter season to get in shape, but I never understand sports seasons (apparently it's already fall season for soft ball, so Nicole tells me).

It's not as though I need to lose 30 pounds to have the confidence to go out for swim team. My self image is finally shining through the haze I seem to be surrounded with (or have I surrounded my self with it?). But I still let myself be weighed down by the chains of the past, which are so easily breakable with proper will power (and self control). For all the times I've heard my friends ask them selves what they would look like if only they did 10 push-ups and crunches a day, I think it would be interesting to find out.

With weight watchers, it really is best to jump right in. Which is what I may just have to do if I really want to do this. I still have my handy iWatchr app, so it's won't be too bad. And I still have at least a month of decent biking weather, maybe more if I could get some cold weather gear (which reminds me, I really need some real biking gear anyways). And when it's too cold to go out, I can always go work out at the Y when Ben and Chris have karate (which is very convenient). So, maybe I'll be in 10 times better shape next summer. Maybe I"ll give up on swim team if it's not what I want or need, or if I think it will change me for the worse. Either way, I look forward to the physical challenges that I'll be facing this year. Here's hoping I'm not over whelmed academically so I can face those physical challenges.

And finally I'm done writing. Getting stuff like this out and down on the key board feels good; I think I'll write about camp after a couple games of StarCraft 2and lunch. Tomorrow I may work on the pesky warlock, since I beat the campaign last week. Oh, I didn't mention it? It was epic! I can't wait for the next game to come out (they're doing StarCraft 2 in a set of three games). Now to go watch episode 6 of The Guild! And then everything else I just said I would do.

En Taro Arun!

It's a Blue Moon

2010-08-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

It's been many moon since I've last posted. In fact, it feels like posting today is a sign of a blue moon. There's been a lot happening lately, most of it very, very good, but it's greatly distracted me from doing any sort of writing. While I do plan to get some writing done in the near future as my schedule narrows around the school year, I figured I babble on for a bit about things I don't plan to write expand on later.

Right before I left for my week of summer camp (post pending), our copy of Starcraft 2 came in the mail. I was over joyed to finally receive it, because I would have at least a day until Chris came home. So I played, and ever since I can't stop. I don't think I've actually played WoW since I installed it, except the occasional mail-check. It certainly hasn't stopped me from listening to all my favorite podcasts and such, but I am a bit disconnected from WoW. But with all the excitement surrounding the Cataclysm Beta I can't see how anyone would want to play the live game.

Right now my gaming plans are a bit like this: Play Starcraft until I beat the campaign, then finish leveling my warlock to at least 75. From that point I'd hope the expansion is out, but if not I'll go back and forth between those two games. I also plan to eventually play Guild Wars 2 with my friend a little bit, since it looks decent (and he's very, very persistent). When Cataclysm comes out, I'll try to join AIE on Earthern Ring, and Hereos of Lordaeron on Argent Dawn, both of which are fan guilds for the Instance and All Things Azeroth (respectively). Although, Hereos is looking kind of small.... But that's beside the point. I can't wait to play Worgen and Goblins!

In other news, I've completed all of my summer reading. "Octavian Nothing" was rather gruesome; it's about a boy and his mother from Africa in the 1700's who are sold into slavery and purchased by a 'college' in Boston. They proceed to study them as they grow up. The boy, Octavian, is unborn when they arrive at teh college, which is even better for their experiment. The mother is only 13 when she arrives, which I find a testament to the times that she was married in her own lands in those times. The gruesome part, though, is in the end. Octavian's mother dies of small pox, for which she is dissected in the college's search of every aspect of knowledge. I was appalled by it, thinking the whole story was true.

Thankfully, the book was historical fiction, based on similar experiments of the time. But the book was very realistic, if not slightly gothic, up until I started reading the 'collected notes and letters' that told most of the story of Octavian's escape before he was captured again. It was interesting, but very boring. I'm fairly certain it won't be incorporated much come fall, but maybe Norton will surprise me?

The other book I read was "Between a Rock and a Hard Place", which was far more real, and possibly far more boring. The main points about the book to remember where that he cut off his arm after 6 days of being trapped between a boulder and a cliff wall, then descended another cliff so he could reach his truck 8 miles off, finding help along the way. But most of the book consists of his numerous achievements, most likely to prove that his entrapment in an easy canon was not a "n00bz" mistake. But I grew bored of his bragging about his achievements. It's important to note that I read the entire 354 page (I knew that off the top of my head!) book in one week, that week being my time at camp. I'm sure there'll be nothing more to do with this book than an easy the first week of school, but we'll see!

As for other reading... I'll start with the one I liked less, I suppose. The lesser of the two books I read after I finished my summer reading was Lev Grossman's "The Magicians". The premise of the book is a simple question: "What if Magic were real?" Any fiction or fantasy fan should be very familiar with the question, but I was caught off guard by Grossman's answer. Without ruining the story, it feels so painfully as though man kind would be better off without magic, and that 'magical thinking' is a very silly thing which we should only ever pursue as children.

It was very depressing to read, even though I greatly disagree with Mr. Grossman (or at least his characters, evebn though it's a third person limited narrative). Everything the happens in the college (Brakebills) makes me want to skip college all together, even though I know it can't really be as bad as it is for the characters. The excessive sex, drugs, and alcohol were also depressing and a huge turn off for me. I did find it an interesting story, and certainly an interesting perspective, but it was still a wasteland of emotion.

The other book I read was truly awesome. Thinking about it now, I will have to write an entire post about it, but I can't go without mentioning for the moment. It was called "Omnitopia Dawn", by Diane Duane (aka my favorite author). I read it in a about 5 days while on my road trip with Aunty Liz (clarification: first cousin once removed), including the parts I read out loud. It's the beginning of a new series about a huge MMO RPG (Massively Multi-Player Online Role Playing Game) with over 50 Million uses, 10 Million of which are online at any given time. Video games seem to be an often untouched genre of sci-fi, which makes this all the more interesting. Very character driven, very exciting, and including one of those epic scenes that Ms. Duane is so good at, this is possibly one of my favorite books. More to come!

Anyways, this just a little of what's up lately. I will right about camp, my trip and Omnitopia before school starts (on the 8th, a Wednesday). I hope to do some other writing to, such as a story about one dragon named Miranda.... which will be a funny inside joke based off a short conversation with some one, but should be interesting nonetheless. Having no more school work (that I know of) to do feels great, so hopefully I can enjoy the rest of my summer.

As for the party scene lately, I've been away the last few weeks, meaning I've missed out on pool party's at my friends. Hell, I haven't even had any of my own parties! I need to fix that... So I think I shall be planning a party before school starts again. We may need some more speakers now that Dad has set up the wires in the addition! I was also invited to two different birthdays on the 28th, one of them being Kara, the other one being someone who people speak very, very badly of at Norton. I would rather go to Kara's, but I was actually invited to the other girls party last year when she turned 15. She changed a lot since then, but I'll still feel bad if I don't go.

And speaking of the addition, it's coming along nicely. We hit a few road blocks with the building inspector, but Dad thinks he has a solution to the problem. The back and front porches are now both done, but sadly neither of them have lights yet. It will be nice to be able to have a pool party at night with out groping around to find the back door. It's also been nice to have the front porch; I've done some nice reading out there, and dad has worked from home a few times on the porch. I'm just waiting for a good rain/ lightning storm to sit out there and watch.

So, that's about it for now. More to come soon, and that's a promise! I think I'll go play Starcraft again soon, thouh I do really need to do some epic quest chains on Sahpirestar (yes, that's the spelling!) before Cataclysm hits... but campaign comes first! Until next time, En Taro Tassadar!

Community

2010-07-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

A community is something big, something connected that brings people together with a common purpose or interest. If you think of a community as a sphere of influence, then with each member of that community having their own sphere of interest, you're looking at some pretty huge networks. I can only imagine what all the overlapping of networks look like.... but it's fun to think of it that way.

I myself could be seen from the perspective of many different communities; those networks with their different people. I'm in scouts, and church, I went to a vocational school, I blog, and (the point of this) I play WoW. All these communities of people see me differently, but I look out for my own little bubble with all their views mixed up. In a way, this makes every one's view a little different. Of course that's the point of the community, I think; bringing together people into one group of similar interests. You can't have 100 identical looking and thinking people and call it a community; they wouldn't work anymore than a computer network (as in, you'd need a force to operate them since they couldn't operate them selves being all exactly the same).

The diversities, combined with the differences, are what make up a community. There's other qualities of a community, such as working or playing together, or doing something to change the culture of the place the community is located (or where people of that community are located).In the case of the community surrounding World of Warcraft, those people are all over the world, changing the way people see gaming.

So why am I writing about communities, you may ask? In the middle of the summer, when there are no scout meetings or youth group, no school and little writing (well, on my part any ways)? It's not specifically because I've been playing World of Warcraft, but because I've been doing stuff out side of game that relates to it with like minded people.

My first taste of this community was, in fact, in game. I was part of a little guild, just started up. I was 11 or so at the time, so I was really kinda clueless I was even in that guild. It broke up soon after, and as I went along playing I started feeling lonely. I was playing a game that none of my friends could (no can they now) afford, surrounded by strangers online. That's when I started looking for a guild online, and I was lucky enough to find one, which even had (so I thought) a latin name: Mirdautas Vras.

Turns out it was Tolkien's orcish, and means, "It's a good day to kill". I've been with them for many years now, and while they have been kind and helpful, they've become a smaller guild with much less activity then when I started (you know, when I couldn't join them). I'll probably stay with them for a while longer, but in seeing the other parts of the community built up around this great game, I think I'm ready for a change of pace.

This decision has been growing up since I started listening to The Instance podcast, nearly a year ago now. With literally thousands of listeners and their own guild, they can really be considered a community in their own right. Listening to Scott & Randy can be interesting, inspiring, and just plain hilarious. They've saved me from many a boring bus ride and exploratory-vocation speech this past year, and made me laugh out loud in the middle of quiet car and bike rides. If I can, I'll definitely be joining AIE when the Cataclysm hits.

But The Instance was preceded by one other podcast, that being the WoW Insider podcast. I still listen to it when I can, but I don't make it a priority any more. I do, how ever, still read their website everyday, getting updated on all the things that interest me about WoW and more. One of my favorite columnists is Anne Stickney, who does the lore column and is the current All Thing Azeroth co-host. ATA, which I actually lost interest in for a while, piqued my interest again when Anne (also known as "Shade") joined the show with much enthusiasm. I love hearing her talk about lore, which has helped fuel my excitement for Cataclysm lately. I'd being lying if I didn't say she didn't get me spending hours researching lore on WoW Wiki, but I do have to give my Uncle the credit for my original interest in lore.

And that's not even close to the whole community; their are countless blogs devoted to the game, and huge databases for player's convenience. WoW Head, Alakazam, MMO Champion, the old Thottbot, and many other sites are frequent destinations for my browser. It's all pretty amazing to see how such a giant community has grown up around this one game, and how many connection have been made from it.

This community has also done some pretty awesome stuff. One example is WoWathon, which raises money for a charity called Child's Play, which brings video games to kids in hospitals. Another example is Blizzard's outreach with the Make A Wish Foundation to Ezzra Chatterton, who was dying of brain cancer. There's a lot of other stuff the community has done for the betterment of the world, but those two things stick out for me. They demonstrate the community at it's best.

Sure, there are arguments within the community, the biggest of which made headlines all over the place. Not just on silly fan sites, but places like CNet and Cisco. It's crazy! Even Senators play WoW, which I'm sure has sparked controversy in other communities.

In short, there is a huge community surrounding this game. I love that. I might not be the most sociable person around, but I love the idea of being part of this community, and love interacting with it more. Just today I was part of a contest to get a code to join the beta tests of the next WoW expansion, Cataclysm. I can ask the writers at WoW.com a question, then get a response in the form of a huge post. I can tweet something @ a podcaster during the live show and they can laugh and talk about it for 10 minutes. I love that.

So now, rather then go play some more, I'm gonna go swimming with Ben. What communities are you part of?

When Words Won't

2010-07-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

W-W-W alliteration is better then adding 'come' to the title.

So, as any one might guess, I've been a bit busy as of late. Sure, there have been things I've wanted to write about; Nick's birthday/ graduation party (again, congrats and happy birthday, Nick!), pool parties at Ashley's, playing WoW for hours on end (oh wait... never mind), my relationship, ect. There are things I've written for my self, and my dream journal is always updated when I actually remember my dreams. But when I go to write most things for this blog, they never get done.

In short, words won't come write now (it's a pun). Maybe it's because I'm flustered by the business of life, both that of my own and of my friends and family. Maybe it's because I'm afraid what I write isn't acceptable, or just won't come out right (many topics can't even be touched with a 500 ft poll, and not because of other people). Or maybe I'm just afraid of being boring. Honestly, could I really say I'm leading an exciting life?

Granted, I'm 15. If I go a couple months without doing anything as significant as the Delaware trip then fine, that completely normal. If the coolest thing I do in a day is level up in a game or ask a question of a blogger (on Twitter, and then get it answered on their podcast, or any thing else), then that's fine. I can live with that.

But I don't want to live with my life. I want to live my life. We're so used to living in the mountains and the valleys - the highs and lows - of life, we forget how to live in between. I definitely feel like that. I'm waiting for life to get exciting, or depressing. I think I can do that for my self, maybe by filling my head with one type of thought or another. Just because I try to string an old, happier time to today doesn't mean that they're the same; one is happy, the other [today] is just hanging in the balance of happiness. Memories and their related emotions lose their potency, which is why you have to change it every time you think about it to keep it fresh. Today's a day that's ready to pass.

And there are certainly good things on the horizon. I'm going out to Kennywood and Cedar Point next month with my aunt (I love you aunty!). Chris's birthday is coming up soon, which should be fun (especially if it's at the beach again). My dad keeps talking about doing a night at the drive in. I haven't even had a [pool] party yet. These are all exciting things, but somehow I keep turning to the bad things.

I don't think I'm going to camp anymore, since my friend hasn't been able to get through to us. Both those things are worth another post, since there's so much to say about them. My relationship has improved a little bit, since I've been given permission to go over to her house Sunday mornings and wake her up early and hang out. But communication is still not the best; worse than it was during the school year I'd say. I've also lost my confirmation binder, which has my packet of French that I need to study before I start school. And, I've resolved to start my first summer reading book tomorrow, which I'm not looking forward to (even with good reviews from my aunt). And I've not practiced flute for a full year now: you can bet muscle memory is out of the question until I relearn it, not to mention most of the notation has fallen out of my skull.

So I just complained about the same group of things I always seem to. I have a headache, and it's nearly 80 degrees. Great idea to make tea for said headache. So for now, I need to learn in between the hills and the valleys. I don't want to do anything drastic to make my self sink or rise, but it's exhausting to travel without direction. In the middle of my lazy summer, the focus I dreamed of all school year is completely absent. I'm in a juggling act, tossing up my play time, my work time (the very little amount that I've let my self due, against better judgment), and friends (both the good and the bad; the lies and the truth). But, for the most part, I'm glad I can stand on my family for solid ground right now.

So, as usual, I'll ask the shy masses who read (or skim) my blog; are you in between the hills and the valleys right now? Or are you moving along your summer, not even noticing that it's half way through July already?

Until next time, Matt.

Fiction

2010-07-10T07:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I've shared this before, but I love fiction. I can hardly stand nonfiction sometimes, unless it's really interesting. Some of the driest reading material comes in the form of biographies, except for the one about Jack. I've recently discovered that some of the most interesting fiction I've ever read is the lore surrounding WoW.

I stumbled upon the lore for the game a long time ago, but never really got into it. If there was a quest with something new that hadn't heard of before, I would go look it up on WoW wiki. It happens to be one of the greatest resources for lore for WoW if you don't want to read all the books and comics that explain it.

With the coming of the next WoW expansion, the hosts and writers of the various WoW related podcasts and blog I listen to and read have been going very deep into the lore. It's interesting to hear people talk about it, since they certainly know much more than I do. These are the people that talk about and write about this game for a living, and there's no end to making that living in the foreseeable future. They conspire, they compare, and they generally talk about the lore (and all the other game news). Needless to say, this game has created a real life community out of a fictional world.

There are other works of fiction that have accomplished this. Twilight, for example, has drove people crazy over the past year or so (including my mom, to a lesser extent). Even though I haven't read the series (and I don't plan to unless I'm physically forced to), the story is shallow. It doesn't have the complexity of the Warcraft lore, which is so extensive that nobody, not even Blizzard, has been able to make an absolute complete story line. It'll be interesting to see how the Warcraft movie turns out...

But I just wanted to share why I've become so interested in lore. I began the long process of finishing the World Explorer Achievement, taking dozens of screen shots. I'm partly doing this because the next WoW expansion, Cataclysm, will completely tear apart the old game world that has been the same for the last 6 years. As I went through exploring, I kept seeing things that made me say out loud, "What the heck is that?" Every time I saw something like that, I would jot it down on my iPod. Hours later, at the end my exploration session, I went to look up a few things.

That's when I really got drawn in. The littlest thing, like an old sub-zone of ruins, has a story to it. That little story ties into the rest of the world, the bigger story. Who could imagine that a level 10 questing area would have had a goddess visit it in the past? I didn't. That's what I love about the lore of the game.

Of course WoW isn't the only fiction I love. I love Narnia with my whole heart (so pumped for the next movie!), and Diane Duane is one of my favorite authors. The Dark Tower books, while much darker than most things I read, is really good fiction. And right now I'm reading The Tombs of Atuan, the Earthsea Cycle fast becoming one of my new favorite series. And of course there's summer reading fiction, which I've taken out of the library and will suffer through in the coming months. But I love fiction, and would be bored without it.

The Fourth

2010-07-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

From: William and Mary Law, Admissions, Blog.

The Fourth of July this year was a bit unusual, but stiff awfully fun. It started early, with the choice of church of cleaning. Who can guess which one I chose?

I chose church. There was a reason for the choice of course. After church we were supposed to have company (from church) and there was a ton of cleaning to be done with the house. I went to church so I could wake up a little, and of course the fact that I want to go every Sunday. Part of that is socializing (especially complaining to one of my ex-substitute teachers about school stuff, who goes to my church and partly works at SE). But I went, and listened to another excellent sermon, which I promptly forgot when I got home. I should really be taking notes, since I can hardly remember the things I hear. It's funny that I can remember reading about rocks in fifth grade but not sermons from last Sunday, but I digress.

It was just Mom, Ben and I, so we stayed a little while and consumed as much food as we could. There were some nice cherries, and some lemon-sugar cookies that I would die for. After that we went down to Willow Tree to get some chicken salad for lunch. Along with that we had burgers and hot dogs, and some chips and iced tea. Along with the church friends we had Brittany, who didn't want to go to her Aunts house for the Fourth, and Chris's friend Peter from Scouts. With them we had lunch with the friends from church, and later biked together to Dunkies for some watermelon coolattas. Brittany: I think that was whipped cream, but the other two are crazier than you could imagine.

When we got home we soon left to go to a small two-family cookout with more church friends. We swam in their pool and had dinner with them. Mom and Dad and the other to adults had sangria, which smelt overpowering from the other side of the table. Thankfully we went to the fireworks after dinner, because they were buzzing. But before we went to the fireworks, Peter jumped into the pool with his new EnV Touch, only a day old. It's dried out and working now, but it was a huge scare for him and his parents. The power of rice is amazing sometimes.

When we finally got to the fireworks we were surprised to find our friend Ashley there, with her brother and her brother's girlfriend. They live down the street from the field the fireworks were in, so they were just dropped off and let out to roam free. They sat with us and our friends from church to watch the fireworks. We even saw Peter's family there, who weren't happy about his phone at all, but never the less gave him money for a Dell's lemonade. Together we all slurped some Dell's, then laid out to watch the fireworks.

As I was later told by my friend who was also at that field, they had three year's of stored up fireworks to use this year. The last few year the Fourth and it's rain date have rained out for this particular field, so they never got to use the stuff. Needless to say, it was a pretty spectacular show. Some of the people were talking while the fireworks went, mostly young adults who could care less. But I sat, watched and listened. The fireworks weren't as ground-shaking as they were in DC (as I would hope), but they did a really good job with it. I wished, then, that I had a digital camera of my own to take some really nice high def. pictures, but now I think fireworks are something really special. If I only get to see them once a year, they should mean something and make me feel something, like they did last weekend. I felt a little inspired to go into pyrotechnics, even though it's not really an environmentally conscience or practical job, it's a beautiful one.

After that we went home, where Peter got picked up and left his bike to be picked up the next day. We drove Brittany home after that, and by the time I got home it was already 11:30. I contemplated logging on to WoW to watch the in-game fireworks, but decided against it because I was exhausted. I supported that fact in my mind since I was barely woken up from my nap on the ride home. So much for keeping Mom company!

As one last note for this Fourth of July, I want to honor all those serving the country for our freedom. The army, the navy, the special forces, the coast guard: these are just some of the people fighting for justice and democracy throughout the world (my brother can name the rest). Sometimes this fight is misguided, or corrupt, or flat out wrong (right now, I have no idea what to make of the war). But the people serving are doing just that - they're serving the nation. In the end, they do what's right for the country. There's one man serving [doing border patrol] who I want to give a special thanks to; thank you godfather Mike. I know things are hard for you right now, and because of that you may never get a chance to read this. But thank you for doing what you do for our country, and for all the birthday money you've sent to me over the last 15 and a half years. I don't think I can repay you for that, but the next time your up here I can make you a mean omelet!

So happy forth! I hope everyone enjoyed it, and was very safe. Comment, and tell me what you did (please)!

Left Undone

2010-07-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

Anyone wondering: the ribbon is 'undone'.

I feel as though I have left a lot of things undone this summer. All year long I've been dreaming of summer, how much better it will be then school and all the things I'll get to do. Right now, I feel like I've done very little, but there may be a small reason for that.

Summer: the time where the birds sing in the morning and the bugs buzz in the evening. The sky is filled with a blueness deeper then the Na'vi, unfamiliar after a long 10 or so months sitting in closed rooms with shades down and curtains covering up the light. The days start so long, and so... boring. Some days are endless, with nothing to do besides chores. Other days are filled with the summer fun we'll remember, or at least hope to remember, in ten years. In nearly two short weeks I've had both.

Obviously there was the river trip. That will always be one of the most fun parts about summer, and after writing about it it will always be easy to recall (as are a lot of things I write about). But everything since then has been more or less quite, compared to the rushing water of the Delaware. I've seen my friends a few time, like last night at the fireworks for the Fourth (which I still need to write about). But I haven't seen Nicole since June 1. She knows I'm not happy about it, and that I miss her, but there's nothing I can do about it. One of my big dreams for this summer was to make plans with friends every day I could, and that really, really has not happened. Because of the river trip, most of my small play-days with friends are a little more boring, since I have a horrible habit of comparing everything.

I also haven't accomplished much yet this summer. I more or less missed the Midsummer Fire Festival, which I'm not to happy about. I haven't written as many posts as I have wanted to: hell, I just said I wanted to write about the Fourth of July, and it's going to be the 6th by the time I get to. I haven't reviewed "The Last Airbender" yet, because it was so bad and I wanted to get some much more out of it, but didn't (sounds like my last school...). If I write about it, will it be fueled by more emotions than an objectionable view? Most likely. It's frustrating when you want to write about something that you know people wouldn't understand.

There's other stuff I've left undone. I've not picked up my packet of French 1 review material since it was given to me last month. I want to learn French, but how can I learn to pronounce from a paper? It'll be hard, but I need to eventually do it. I haven't practiced flute in a year now, and even though I've had offers for free lessons, I haven't gone. If I don't practice, I'll be screwed in the fall. Also, if I don't get my summer reading books and eventually read them, I'll be even more screwed in the fall. Wasn't no summer reading one of m arguments for going to SE? I'm reading The Tombs of Atuan right now, and really enjoying, but it's not the summer reading I'm supposed to be doing.

The one thing I haven't left undone is biking, which I'm extremely thankful for. If I couldn't bike, if I was stuck in doors all day, I would probably die. But because of biking, in some extended ways, I've left stuff undone. I feel just as hectic as if I was in school, but with more time to care. I also found time to type up some recipes from culinary while the internet was broken this afternoon (Comcast.....), but that just leads me to feel like I've done no baking yet this summer (or cooking, for that matter). I also haven't had any pool parties yet, which also means I haven't made any party playlists that I keep wanting to make but don't.

Now the laundry has been left undone, and I have to go do it before it starts to smell (Edit: Chris did it for me! Lol). As usual I ask, no, BEG for your comments. Oh, and if anyone would like to make plans with me, I'd love that. The pool is up, just so everyone knows (if you didn't get that message earlier).... Oh, and I feel like I just rushed through writing this for no reason at all. It may be because I have so many other hundreds of thought going through my mind every other minute, but maybe it's best I don't share them now. Until tomorrow, good night.

Today

2010-07-05T06:36:00.000-07:00

So I have a good bit of work today. I've decided not to write about my disappointment over The Last Airbender, but rather share a few links about it later. I'm to fired up about the changes they made to actually write an interesting review, at least right now. I need to write about the Fourth of July, and hopefully that comes out well...

Anyways, I can't write while my room is a mess. If my room is a mess, then my brain is also a mess. Therefore, my writing will also be a mess. I'm going to go do that now, so expect some more writing later. That is, if my brother doesn't steel the computer from me all day to play his stupid game (I'm so over RTSes right now, or at least until Starcraft 2 comes out). Eventually I'd like to start working on my World Explorer achievment in WoW, but that'll take a lot longer than one day anyways. Until later, Peace.

Tuesdays

2010-07-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

Tuesdays have always been an interesting day of the week for my family. Sure, there was always boy scout meetings and karate lessons, but in the last few weeks it's become something so much more, and so much better. I've been spending my Tuesdays at the public library, volunteering with some of my friends. This has become the staple of my social week's schedule, and I'm sad to think it's all over until the fall.
To explain a bit, there are usually 12 or more of my friends there that come every week. We're mostly all high school age, but a few people are home schooled. We come to the library to hang out a lot, and we usually end up doing little things for the librarians. They love seeing us help out, even though we don't do much individually. We do a lot collectively though, and usually get a couple hours of service time. Small things, like cleaning up the kids area or moving disassembled desks to the [extremely hot, muggy] attic.

But when we're not helping out (which feels like most of the time) we're all talking and hanging out. This week I brought my headphone splitters, so we all sat around a table and watched music videos on an iPod. Other times we'll all sit around one of the computers and play stupid addicting games, while others will read the latest game informer from the rack on the wall. Sometimes we go outside into the park next to the library and play around, usually with a Frisbee. When it rains, we got out under the gazebo and try to push each other into the rain. It's always fun, and always interesting.

We all most always go across the street to get french fries and Arnold Palmers. I always forget my wallet (somewhat conveniently), so I just mooch off my friends. If I can get some babysitting under my belt this summer I should have plenty of money for the fall, but I think I'll still have my debts to pay. But the fries! I love them so much!

As I conveniently forget my wallet, I also forget my library card. I go to the library almost every week, but somehow I never manage to take out a book. All those Dune book and no library card makes me sad. But hopefully I'll remember to bring it more often this fall.

Note: Kinect isn't out yet, and this isn't my pic! But shinyyy!

One of the other great things we do at the library is using the projector cart. The librarians let us take it out and test their wii and games, which we did a few months ago (I'm very glad I never saw any videos of that afternoon on youtube!). When my friend got the new xbox slim a few weeks ago on a Tuesday we brought it to the library, where we asked to use the projector cart. That was one great day; we beat the entire Portal game in one afternoon. After that we watched Doctor Who on Netflix, all thanks to the new xbox's built in wi-fi and the libraries free wi-fi. Now I feel like going to play Portal!

All in all, Tuesdays have become an awesome day of my week. I get a long with my fellow scouts much better than I did a year ago, and I've made lots of new friends since then. We may still have to run around to get my brothers to karate and Chris and I to scouts after, but I really do love Tuesdays now. With one of my friends going to live at her summer home this summer (the one who usually gets us all together), we probably won't be meeting up there again until the fall. There's also no scout meetings during the summer, so my Tuesday is a lot more boring this summer. So maybe Tuesday will be a day to go visit our friend's summer home (right on the cape!). Maybe we'll keep going to the library, or maybe it'll just stay boring for me. Who knows, but I know I'm looking forward to fall.

I Love Comments

2010-06-28T17:23:00.000-07:00

I love getting comments from people unexpectantly, but sadly I haven't gotten many. I get a number of them in real life, which is obviously great and always unexpected. But I'd like to get some more post-by-post feedback here on the blog itself. I've taken steps, months ago, to make it easier for people to comment. But I think the problem is that I never told anybody how to use this comment system, Disqus. As I have a lot of free time on my hands (for better or worse) this summer, I decided I need to teach y'all how to comment. Here we go:

One of the huge benefits of Disqus is the variety of accounts you can use to log in and comment. There Facebook, Twitter, Open-ID, Yahoo and Disqus itself, as well as a guest option. I specifically chose Disqus so I could add Facebook connect to your options. For a while it was broken, but now it seems to be fixed, if not a bit hidden (as indicated by the picture to the left). To get down to Facebook connect, you first have to right your comment! If you want one of the options to the right, click those before you start typing your comment. If you want to post as a guest or from Facebook, keep reading.

Writing the comment is the easiest part. That is, if you actually have something to comment about. Even if your simply writing about how you think it's great I'm blogging and sharing my thoughts, I love to hear that. If you want to complain, feel free to do that too. I do think a Facebook message or email would be little more respectful if you have an actual complaint, but if you simply disagree and want to state your opinion and/or start a discussion, that's fine as well.

So, once you actually have a comment, you just have to hit that little "Post as..." button if your going to post as a guest or Facebook user, or if you have yet to log into one of your social media accounts. Some of the connect buttons can be buggy at times, but for the most part they work well. I also like to be conscience of my profile picture from whatever account I'm logging in from, since it usually stays there for a long, long time. That is, you should always be conscience of what you posting, but when your commenting it actually makes you think. For example, if you have a bunch of friends in your profile picture on Facebook, it may be best to use another account if you think anyone may get upset about there picture traveling beyond Facebook (though they shouldn't be surprised).

Once you hit the comment button, then you should see it immediately below the post. I just wrote a little test/ blurb comment as an example for my "High in the Mountains" post. Once it's posted, you can always come back in and edit it. You can also reply to and "Like" others comments.

Oh, and be sure to use my new sharing tools too! Highlighted in yellow in the picture to the right, you can easily email, blog, tweet, link (to on Facebook), and buzz with the little toolbar at the bottom of every post. I would love to see referrals from more than just my facebook account.

So that's it for now. Hopefully this gets a few more comments around here, and hopefully I didn't just confuse people (mom, I'm looking at you!) even more. But in the end I can't change people who are too lazy to click a few buttons, but I can't complain since I typically am one of those people. So see you around the web! And in the comments, I hope.

End Freshman Year

2010-06-28T09:23:00.001-07:00

"NMS 8th Graders of 2008 - 2009" ~ A letter to my eight grade class, who I will be rejoining in the fall.

You know,
     Things have changed since we were eighth eight graders. Not just things either, but the people, the places, the feelings. It's been an entire year now since dinner dance, which many people may think I obsess over. That may be true, but how many people can say that for one night, everybody in one class could come together in what I would call harmony.

     Thinking of it now, I've changed just like everyone else has. Certainly not in the same way, since we're all totally unique. I still think diner dance was one of the best nights of my life so far, but I've been to a few more dances and parties that may just rank up there with dinner dance. If your an especially sociable person you may have gone to a lot more than just home coming at Norton. There were dances at the other schools, which our eighth grade class has inevitably spread over. Our eighth grade class spread out over many schools. I think for most people it means less and less, as we grow up and grow apart, to keep in mind all those kids from our childhood. We can't change who we grew up with, and we can't change how they completely shaped our lives and personalities. For some people this has been a positive thing, and for others it's hurt them more than we as a class can know. As people have spread out and integrated into other schools they've changed a little more.
   I want any NMS eighth grader of 08-09 to remember this: no matter how horrible or amazing your time with us was, we're a class forever. For those who repeated eight grade: you have a new class. You may be a little older, but don't let that pull you down. We're still with you in spirit, if you want us there. But don't forget the memories of middle school, or the lessons we learned there.
    And now most of us are done with Freshman year too. It went by so quickly, and most of us didn't even notice. We've all made new friends, and we've all lost old connections. As we continue to change who we are in high school, we continue to change who we will be after high school. Saddly (and happily for some), we only have a few years left together. Sure, there's Facebook for those looking to stay connected, but nothing lasts forever. Most people reading this will have forgotten ever even joining, and will doubtless forget it again by the end of sophomore year. But never forget these years, even if your struggling. We can all learn something as we go on, together.
    So have a good summer. Be safe (especially with each other). Stay cool, and don't kill too many brain cells. For anyone from Norton high reading this, I hope to see you come September.

High in the Mountains

2010-06-27T14:28:00.000-07:00

And now I'm back. I spent the last four days on an amazing trip to upper New York/ Pennsylvania. I had some deep conversations, some thoughtful conversations, and some time to goof off with some of the closest friends I've come to make in the last year or so. Everything was absolutely amazing: from sunrise to moonrise, and every changing shade of green on the mountainsides, I was blown away by the untouched beauty of the Delaware river.

The whole trip started Thursday morning, which evidently was my last day of school. On the way to CVS Thursday Mom called my guidance counselor to ask for my transcripts, again,so I could leave that school. When she was done asking him for the papers she said, "By the way, Matt isn't coming to school today. Can you mark him excused-absent for today?" I like to think my counselor was shocked, but he took care of it for us. She had to tell him that I was going on a scouting trip, but I thought it was quite funny. It's almost like sticking my tongue out at them, saying, "Haha I'm leaving next year and I won't even come on the last day!" Of course it's not really like this, but when I think of it that way I can't help but smile.

So we eventually left around 10:30 Thursday morning. I wasn't overly excited about who I was ridding with, since Dad was chained to his desk this weekend he couldn't go. One kid was an Eagle scout who hasn't been around very often; he had a habit of swearing at the younger scouts because he thought it was 'funny'. Another kid is the younger brother of a guy on my bus that essentially said he wanted to rape me, so that was more than a little uncomfortable. Thankfully that one kid agreed with me that his brother is freaky, so we more or less got along. Along with my brother, two other kids made up the crazy three amigos. If my attention wasn't on my Reeder app, then I would be up stream [of a rapid] without a paddle. I also had a few good conversations with the driver, who is one of the adult leaders in the troop. We talked about why I left SE, the state of the educational system, the short attention span of teenagers (due to technology) and the Deepwater Horizon disaster. I found it kind of funny that he conspiracy-theorized the whole disaster is a government plan to promote the environmental bill. But that's another topic.

When we finally got to our campsite we immediately swam. We were far enough up the river that there weren't any canoes or kayaks going down stream. Come to think of it, I don't even think we camped on the river, but on one of it's tributaries. Either way, we all had a blast. All the older guys got to swim over to the far side of the river and fight the current of the river. Our life guard was one of the 'adult leaders', but she was more like every bodies best friend during the weekend. She told me specifically not to blog about her though, so I'll just leave that stuff for my journal (she probably thought there was too much drama, which I respect). I will say that she tipped my kayak the first day before we even rounded the first bend!

Taboo diets!

But Thursday night was really easy going. Around 8 or so I just stuck up conversation with one of my friends. It started out as gossip (more or less), but then it turned into a really meaningful conversation. We started talking about different topics with very little difference in views. A lot of our conversation may have even been considered taboo, but thinking about it now, it's only taboo because people are afraid to talk about it. Relationships, marriage, sex, dating... as a teenager, I'd be mortified to talk about that stuff, with most people over - I don't know - 30 or anyone I'm related to, for more than a few minutes. But with my friends, especially this one who has a lot more problems (or, at least deals with it more), it's easy. It's something people need to be more open about, before it starts screwing up our lives. It's amazing how honest and open we were about it with each other; how much we didn't say is even more amazing.

Wishing I had a digital camera on the trip... CC licensed photos are good though!

We didn't get up from the pick nick table at the far end of the campgrounds until we saw the moon light all around us. The moon was burning fiercely around ten o'clock. I won't soon forget walking down the dirt path back to camp through the blinking fireflies, realizing no matter how different we all are, we all fight the same fight. We all see things differently, certainly, and have different aspirations for what we want out of this short life, but deep down we all see the same things.

So I slept that night. Or should I say struggled to sleep? Thursday up in the NY mountains was hot and humid, so I sluggishly lay on my sticky 0° sleeping bag and used my fleece liner as a pillow. But when I got up in the morning the river was covered in a white fog and a fire was going in the chilly morning. I can't say I was complaining when I put my sweatshirt on Friday morning! Eventually we all ate and got packed up for the day. I was really good about my sunscreen, but later in the day my temples felt slightly burnt. I was really upset to see that night that the inside of Chris's legs were bright pink, because I was the one who sprayed his legs.

But we had a good first day. It was sunny and hot, but it was nothing a little swim couldn't solve. The water was very placid (new favorite word), and there were plenty of times the kayakers were more than content to drift down the river and just chat, looking at the beautiful scenery. I have a feeling people were wondering what there summer was going to be like all weekend. Is there any better way to start it off than silent hills and soaring clouds? But as we drifted we talked, we shared snacks and we shared the beauty of the wilderness.

Not exactly the river.... But Arnold Palmer!!

There were few rapids Friday, and I think everyone could agree that that first 18 mile stretch was more tiring than the second day. Lunch wasn't even that much of a rest; can you say, "gross?" to warm Arnold Palmer [iced tea] for me? The redeeming quality of lunch was the brownies!

*Sighs* Because I was told not to write about the gossip/ drama of the weekend, there's not a whole lot left to say about being on the river Friday. We got to Pond Eddy in no time, much sooner than the ranger at our lunch stop told us. We did stop under a bridge and do some swimming, which felt really good. It was a fairly short bus ride back to were we pushed off in the morning, but it was enough time for me to get incredibly itchy. Somehow I had forgotten (all the way up until I got home) that I usually get a heat rash the first time I go out for a full day in the sun in the summer. As I was freaking out about being itchy and having what feel like goosebumps all over my arms and neck we got back to camp. At that point I was having an end-of-stressful-school-year meltdown, fueled by my skin irritation and the wealth of new knowledge about some of my friends. You learn a lot about people on the river (even if it's by word-of-mouth, which is totally different from gossip). Then there was the gossip too, and all the stress at home with the house and the pool. Oh, and I'm not afraid to say I was homesick, or that I missed my Mom. Then I was upset with God for not showing me a little of His peace, which was usually always there for me. Maybe I didn't want to feel peaceful... I just finished the most self-disrupting (for better or worse) school year of my life. So I basically wound up on the ground away from the campsite gasping for control of myself. Haha, I'm sure people don't think I have that kind of emotional problem, but I definitely do. When I feel overwhelmed, when I feel broken down, don't be surprised to find me eating ice cream to get away from my problems (to bad we had no ice cream...).

So when I was found by one of the adults he told me to take a few minutes, then come back to camp to have my rash looked at. I took a couple benadryl and starred into the fire. One of the other adults saw me and simply told me, "Just calm down. We're here, just chillin' in the woods." It's funny how much that affected me then. I just starred up into the trees, looking at the pattern of the pine needles. I thought to myself 'that looks like a little universe up there'. And it did. Soon I felt myself feeling sick and congested, so I just stayed in my chair and 'chilaxed' (as Chris used to say). I ate, but went to bed earlier than everyone else.

I got back up in morning feeling much, much better. I was still a bit stuffy, but I knew it would go away when I got back in the water. I also know the congestion would come back at the end of the day, but I didn't care so much. The day could only get better.

And it did. We rode down to the Pond Eddy base, where we picked out the same kayaks and canoes as we had yesterday. My dry bag was a little lighter Saturday as I decided to leave my towel in the car (thank you, quick drying under armour and bathing suit). I made sure to drink up all my water and keep my head wet. It was a little harder to keep my sleeves rolled up Saturday (I was going for a full arm tan - to bad I only got the top side) because I was wearing a heavier under armour shirt.

Saturday is definitely a much better day for rapids. There was Mongaup and some other really fun ones. Where we stopped for lunch there were lots of piled rocks spread along the Pennsylvania side of the river. It's easy to climb over these rocks to get back to the beginning of the rapids, which I did many, many times. It was also a lot of fun to climb against the rapids to reach the larger boulders sticking out of the rapids. Standing atop those rocks, triumphantly, is one of the best parts of the Delaware trip. We spent a lot of our day at our lunch stop, playing with the rushing water. Sadly we didn't stay long at Mongaup, since we were getting late into the day and needed to get back to camp. I got to go down it once on my back, but I was happy to do it with my friends.

Later there were about 5 kayaks that were drifting together. We saw the rapids coming up, so we decided to see how we would fare if we stuck together. I'm not sure if I had as much water in my kayak at any point during the trip as I did going down those rapids with everyone else holding me into the group. We went sideways and backwards! It was a blast!

That was pretty close to the end. We had done a lot better time wise on Saturday, but the sun was still approaching the hills when we landed. It also got cloudy as we got closer to the beach. Before it got cloudy though, we stopped at a cliff face that stretches out over the water. The water is deep enough there that you can jump right off it (in a life jacket). I jumped: from about 40 feet up! Most people took the lower cliff, but I was happy to do the higher one. After that jump, I can honestly say my ass has never felt worse.

The day was soon over. I did get to go through one more eel ware, which is used during eel season to catch, what else, eels! It's off-season right now though, so we can go right down the middle without hitting any of the eel boxes.

It was a much longer ride back to camp, and I was much itchier than Friday. I was glad to get back to camp and change, and then put on some aloe vera my friend brought. More benadryl and another long conversation with my friend about everything, and I was in bed again. Sadly I had one of those long restless nights. It was one of those nights where you think your awake all night, but you just can't seem to sleep. The whole thing is that you actually are sleeping, but you wake up in between short periods of sleep with the same thoughts you went to sleep with. It sucks. I was also apparently talking in my sleep for everyone to hear, which is even better. Needless to say I was very groggy this morning.

It was a long ride home today. I had more changing thoughts on what my summer will be like. I still don't know what it'll be like, but then again who really knows? I have an unplanned summer ahead of me, and I hope than means it'll turn out to be something better than all the summers before. I tried to write on the ride home, but thoughts of summer kept my hand from the usual steadiness I have in the car. I just watched the scenery move by. Thinking about it now, it's those quiet hills, those soaring clouds and all the other silent phenomenons of nature that really inspire me. If I put myself up there, secluded from the heaviness of this world, I'm convinced I could create anything, anytime. I look forward to more days in the hills; hanging from trees; racing down the Delaware river. Ben has another ten years of scouting ahead of him... that means 10 more years of kayaking for me.

That's all I can say for now. I will never again be more thankful for my air conditioner, until next I go away from it that is. I miss the water already... I miss the people... I miss the peace that was there the whole time, that I was just pushing away one last time. I hope this summer inspires me like I was this weekend, and I hope my friends don't fail to amaze me by the realness. Last of all, I hope there are as many mosquitoes here as there were up there (hint: multiply 10 by,I don't know, 1?).
High in the Mountains by Matthew Litchfield is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

It's Summer!!!

2010-06-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

That's right: school is over. Amen! The dendrites of summer are stretching out over all my senses; a leaf is vibrant and fanned out after a storm. Today being the last day of school for myself, I wanted to write about it.

Haha, we hardly did anything today in culinary! We came in and got our finals back, and can you guess who got a 100%? Me! It really wasn't a hard final, just five vocab words chef B taught us the day before. Mine were: bacteria, gluten, pate choux, coagulation and cake flour. We were required to explain what each one was in five sentences or more [each]. I found it easy, and was glad I had reason to when I saw my grade, but most of the class failed. I felt bad for them, because it's only going to get more complicated for them from here. As for me, I won't be there to take baking anymore, but I look forward to taking chemistry. Molecules are fun!

After we got our tests back we went into the kitchen to do some last minute clean up. Some of the plastic covers I taped over the shelves in the back fell down, so I had to go and fix them. After that I made copies of the packets of copies of recipes, that I made yesterday for my class, for some of the cafeteria ladies. We really had nothing to do, so chef B was more than happy to send me off to the library. While I was there I checked on an upload I set before the bell rang (I locked the computer so no one else could see the upload). I figured if I was transferring they would delete all my files on my Z drive, so I backed them up to Google Docs. When I went to check the computer it was shut down, so I quickly logged into one that was still on to check if the upload finished before I left for culinary. It did, but I was still surprised that the computer was shut down. Now I have 80 megabytes to download locally.... well, at least it's faster than it would be at school!

But today was a pretty good. We all watched "Zombieland" in the related room (right next to the vocational director's office!) and ate more ice cream sandwiches. Earlier this morning I also had two more crumb bars, a piece of apple pie and a scoop of ice cream. It was a very fattening day, but at least it was good food! I'll miss eating like that every day of every other week... but I suppose I'll have to continue baking and cooking on my own.

Most of the class attacked me with hugs before I left. They said they wanted me to stay, to fix their mistakes. I think I need to fix my own first, one of them being going there. But I can't help but feel some kind of foreshadowing in those words. Are they going to make some mistakes in the next few years that they would have looked to me to fix? Not just little things, like burning cookies or forgetting baking soda, (again. and again...), but bigger? I still plan to be around, visiting when I get sick of Norton's lunch menu. I also want to go to chef Kf's restaurant sometime, although she'll be in Lebanon this summer. But I can't really fix there mistakes when I'm not there. I just hope everyone does well for themselves (if they don't go insane first - yes, there are some people who definitely could).

Looking back, going to SE wasn't all bad; I certainly learned a lot about people, politics and my self. If I take away anything from this year, it's that people are far more diverse, in every aspect of their lives, than I can relate to. I even earned myself a new babysitting client (my awesome English teacher) and get to help one little old lunch lady with her yard work. Most of all I've left with the respect of my teachers and other teachers who have pointed the way for me this year; to encourage me to go above and beyond what that school is willing to offer me is one of the greatest things my teachers have given me. I should also note that I've gained a lot of respect for cafeteria workers this year, which is something I think a lot of students should learn.

So the bell rang around 11. As I ran through the halls I said my far-wells to as many of the teachers I knew as I could. This morning I said goodbye to my science teacher, who says he'll be looking for jobs at other schools if things don't pick up at SE. Here's hoping I see him Senior year! I also said good bye to my English teacher, who thanked me for keeping her sane this year (my class was ridiculous). So then I started running. I hugged the CAD teacher, who was my friends' shop director (he's leaving too!). I tried to stop at the freshman experience teacher's room, but it was locked. Then I ran down stairs and hugged the DVC art and graphics arts teachers, whose rooms were right across from each other. Some how I made it to the bus before it left, where my lost sweatshirt was waiting for me.

I also want to say thanks to some of the substitutes I had this year. There was Ms. M, who is living over in France now with her boyfriend. I remember when I first had her in English; if she wasn't reading a French instructional book I don't think I would have ever connected with her. There was also Ms. F, who is a young student looking to go back to LA to be an actress (mostly an extra though) in movies. I'll miss them both, but hope I can stay in touch with Ms. F on facebook (sadly I never got Ms. M's email, but I hope she's enjoying France!).

There was also another English teacher I met this year who I was really glad to meet. Her daughter wen to a rival school of SE, another technical/ vocational school where the academics couldn't make the cut for them. Her daughter went for culinary, just like me, and absolutely loves French. If I ever meet her, I have a feeling we'll have a ton in common. There was also Ms. H, currently engaged and looking to have her wedding cards (you know, for that unplanned wedding) done by my mom. If mom does end up doing them, I hope I can go to the wedding! There was also Ms. F.é, who was one of the first people who tried to make me understand why the school is the way it is. She's a really sweet teacher, and I hope the closing of her shop (and Ms. H's for that matter; environmental) doesn't get her fired (or laid off, or whatever). There was also Ms. K, who was in every shop I was helping out, doing whatever just because she loved the diversity of the school. Ms. F and the other gym teacher (the male, who I hardly know) were both awesome at understanding why I'm transferring, and I can only hope to have gym coaches as nice as they were (the one I had in 6th grade... *shudders*).

And now I'm sure I'm missing teachers, but I just want to thank all the teachers I've met this year. It's been a long time since I appreciated people this much, conscientiously. I'm going to miss those teachers; thank God I got most of their emails. I would feel horrible if I never got to tell them how my life goes on from this point.

So now my first day of summer is drawing to a close, and there's so much I have left to write. I'm loving IOS 4, but now I feel the folders are to minimalistic for me. I haven't even gotten to write about my nerdtastic day yesterday tagging along with my friends to pick up the new xBox. Now I have to go finish packing for my river trip, which I'm psyched for. I'll be keeping my notebook close at hand this weekend, so expect lots of (possibly handwritten?) posts Sunday afternoon or Monday, depending on how tired I am.

Wow, I already miss my teachers;

If life was baseball, they're the catchers,

making sure we stay in the game.

No catcher's the same:

Some let the balls fly,

While other won't let a single one by.

I'm so glad mine caught me.

Now the world I can see.

Oh, and I'll miss those friends too,

Those select few

Who made me feel,

Who I helped deal

With life's trouble years,

And who taught without fears.

We split ways now,

But don't have a cow:

It's for the best.

May they be blessed!

So now I have to finish packing, and do some other writing. Hoping for some good dreams tonight.... I'll have time to record them in the morning!

Summer Solstice Thoughts

2010-06-21T17:26:00.000-07:00

So today is the Summer Solstice. Although we are [sadly] not in the world of Avatar [: The Last Airbender], I still think the solstice is significant. After the long, cold, depressing winter I rejoice in the warmth of the summer sun. Funny how a few thousand miles makes a such a huge difference in not only our atmosphere, but our moods as well, no?

Of course there are still things that can foul my mood. I haven't seen Nicole in what seems like a month now... but I suppose it has been that long after all. Communication isn't our strong point, but at least I try. Hopefully this summer will be a much better season for us! I'm still annoyed with adults at school; my chef wants to throw me a going away party Wednesday. It's not like I wouldn't love a party, and it is the end of the year, but I feel like I've been thrown under the bus. I intend to come back and visit next year, with 'family, friends and strangers' as my chef dreamily told me. I'd love to come in with family and friends, but no thank you to strangers. I know most of the people in my shop are sad that I'm leaving, but some are exuberant about it. Trust me, those are the people I will be happy to leave.

But Nicole and I still talk, when we can. It doesn't help that she makes plans nearly a month ahead in some cases, so maybe I just need to talk about her calender with her. As for my chef (you know, the nice one in the bakery, not the creepy perverted one in the cafeteria), she basically gave me the morning off to make copies of recipes for everyone. She sent me to the copy center to make 14 copies of 6 different recipes (which I may post when I actually make them at home). Since the copy center was swamped with finals and other teacher materials they sent me away to the directors office. Since I was resolute about not having to get into a situation of their emotion and intellectual games I decided to ask the awesome librarian if I could use her copier. Usually students aren't allowed to use it and even then they weren't supposed to make more than a few copies. But she let me and even taught me how to make packets out of them, so I was very happy.

So we also did a lot of cleaning today in shop. E and I had to go dump the grease into some giant barrels filled with foods and other greases. It smelt sooo gross. I felt bad for E when she got it on her arm; I'm pretty sure it still smells. Going out to put down the grease, and later when I was crossing the courtyard to see if the DVC teacher was busy, were the only times I got to go outside during school. I was so beautiful out, and much cooler than in the kitchen. I was so excited for the long summer day I took a bike ride this afternoon, trying to do a little end-of-school mental cleaning.

Bike Ride:

If only I could do some mental cleaning! Past my quiet time by the rocks I was listening to Scott & Randy of The Instance fame. Still haven't finished the last episode... but as the podcast rolled on with my rubber treads I started thinking about game mechanics. With the removal of Path of the Titans from the next WoW expansion (Cataclysm), they started talking about guild quests and things that could make up for it's removal. I've also been reading the developer's blog of a new indie game called "Overgrowth", in which they talk a lot about game mechanics and coding. When Scott & Randy started talking about how Blizzard was criticized at E3 for overuse of the "return to me with X items and Z mobs killed, and you'll receive Y in return."

In thinking about this I wondered if they could make the game a little more dynamic in terms of questing. What if instead of the traditional "X + Z = Y" system, they made it more like "A of X + B of Z = (A+B) Z"? It would certainly be more dynamic in terms of rewards based on what your actually willing to do, rather than what your forced to do to move on.

Another idea I had was to change quest lines, based on my new formula, is to give different quests, in succession to the previous ones, based on the amount of effort put into the previous quests. What if you only turned in 6 pigs tails, rather than the 12 the quest giver was looking for? Based on my new formula for quests you wouldn't just get less of a reward, but you'd also get a different quest. Maybe if you did enough of the "minimal requirement" quests you would end the quest line earlier than you would if you did the maximum. Or maybe if you do the entire "minimal requirement" quest line you can be asked if you want to go back and do the quests again, moving you into a different quest line. There would have to be some kind of penalty for this, but I think it would certainly make the game more interesting.

Also:

Down my street; I pass it every ride

I was thinking about summer. I'm worried about spending weeks without seeing people, stuck up in my room. Sure, I can bike just about anywhere in town and even to my grandparents and other relatives more than 20 miles away. But can I really go seeing my friends all the time? There's neither scouts nor youth group in the summer, which are two highlights of my social calender every week. My friends and I don't even meet up at the library on Tuesdays in the summer because the one who usually gets us all together is living on the cape with her family all summer. Over the past school year I've become a little more of an extrovert, finding myself depending on my friends to hold me together. Even friends like Kara, who will be away at PCC this summer, with her playful arguments about huge topics, will be missed by me. They got me through 'hell' school without even being there, but at least when I'm in school I was distracted from myself.

During the summer I'm left to my own devices, which can be both good and bad. As much as I love WoW I really don't think 100 hours a week is healthy. As much as I love blogging, I don't think people will read or get as interested if I'm posting obscure articles every day. I do love StumbleUpon though... but how interesting would 3 or 4 random discoveries be posted here? It wouldn't even be much writing for me to do. I don't want to spend my summer killing my eyesight, but I do want to have time to actually do what I want. I guess it's a balance, one I need to learn this summer.

Friend Wheel

My circle of friends has expanded though. Alternatively, the people within the circle have become more important to me and we've really gotten to know each other better. I'm hoping this makes it easier to get together with people this summer. All of this I was thinking about on my bike ride; maybe I should see if people want to bike with me? I suppose in that case I really shouldn't buy any biking shorts!

I thought about some other stuff, but my ride really had no mental cleaning going on. I still have culinary finals tomorrow... not that I expect them to be hard, but something to worry about none the less. It's just 5 random vocab words, most of which I already know. I also want to go around and get some teachers email addresses so I can tell them about school next year, but I only have 2 half days before I leave for New York state to kayak down the Delaware. My Freshman Experience group got a 78 on our group project; so much for being leader. Thankfully it's weighted pretty low compared to the other stuff this year, and my average is a 96 so I can take a hit. I suppose I'm not happy with my group, but it's over now and they can do it on their own from now on.

Now:

The sun is nearly setting on the longest day of the year. My iPod is updating to iOS 4, but I have a feeling it will take all night. I still need to start packing for the Delaware trip, but I think I wanna go watch the sun set. The longest day of the year went by pretty quick: what will this mean for the shorter days of the coming summer? Keep reading to find out :)

Father's Day

2010-06-20T19:05:00.000-07:00


This was at 7AM - I slept until 11 yesterday Dx

This morning I woke up with a start from my mom. She was waking me to remind me that it was father's day, and that Ben had already woken up dad. That meant one thing to me this morning: I have to get breakfast pushed out.

Now of course Father's Day means more to me than pushing breakfast out, but that early in the morning it was all I was capable of thinking of. I wanted badly to make him something special, or to at least write a card, but I hope this post makes up for that.

First thing I thought when I got in the kitchen: what the hell am I going to make? I make scrambled eggs every year, and I know he loves them, but I wanted to do something different. If I had thought about it yesterday or the day before, I could have easily made some blueberry muffins or banana bread. I didn't. So instead I opted to make omelets at home for the very first time. I was inspired to do this because last week in culinary we had very little business (we were take-out only), so chef M taught us how to do omelets in the dinning room. Granted, they actually have nice omelet pans and beautiful, portable gas burners, but I figured I could do it at home. It was something different, right?

And different it was. I prepped up onions, peppers and tomato in a flash, and cracked the last of our eggs. As I sautéed the onions and peppers I put in some English muffins and had Chris pour the chocolate soy milk and cut watermelon cubes. He also put together the yogurt, complete with crushed graham-cracker and mint garnish. I garnished the bowl of watermelon with diagonally cut banana. When I finally got back to the pan everything was ready for eggs, but I wasn't.

I made sure the eggs got nice and light-brown on the bottom, then attempted to flip. Having loaded up the pan with the onions, peppers and tomato I came to find out there wasn't enough egg to hold it all together. Part of this, I think, was that the pan was smaller than the typical omelet pan, but I digress. The omelet broke, so I had mom fix it because I was getting mad with myself about it. She finished off the omelet, but I made sure there was some yummy Mexican blend cheese in it. With everything ready to go, I brought it up to my waiting dad and the brother who woke him up early in the first place.

Dad loved it all, like I hoped he would. I didn't bother complaining about the omelet's messy procedure, but he didn't seem to notice. It made me oddly happy; partly because it would probably be thrown away at school. He didn't care about how it came out physically; he was just happy I could attempt it and make it taste good.

So that was my huge present. A,"A moment on your lips, eternity on your hips," kind of present, but I think the effort put into it was what mattered. His other gift was a toy, a new power washer. I also want to give this as a gift:

Dad top, me middle, Chris bottom
Dad, we don't always agree. We don't always talk in our indoor voices. Sometimes I feel like we hardly know each other. Even through all these things, I love you and am proud to call you my dad. You've always been in my life, everyday of it. That's so much more than a lot of dads can say. You always put up with me, and you almost always here me out. You give me more than I deserve because you love me; in that way you show me just what God does for me. Thanks for everything in the past, everything now, and everything to come. Love you dad

Template Switch

2010-06-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

I changed the template again, didn't like the old one anymore. Bear with me as I re-sync the comments.

Being a Teenager; Making a Commitment

2010-06-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

Being a teenager is scary; as everything rushes at you you forget more and more what has been behind you. You forget every manner you were taught, you drop all respect for things (and people) that you owe such deep gratitude to, you fight for everything you believe, and you eventually die into something you never intended to become.

I never intended to come to a point of complete arrogance where I forgot everything else around me. I so quickly forget that the things I say are heard by others than the ones I'm talking to. I've done these things: I've forgotten where my respect and boundaries lie, and I've publicized the things that should have been left in the notebook on my bookshelf. I've approached things with a mind clamped tighter than the oysters deep in the ocean. I don't always want to do these things, and I don't want to look at them when I do, but I [eventually] do anyways.

Let me explain; the things I've written about school, about politics, and about people that are all sensitive. When I feel something burning in me I write it, but that doesn't mean I should be letting people read it, especially in public. When I feel or think passionately, when I'm so convicted of my view of the truth, I stop caring about other people's opinions. So much of what I've blogged has fallen into this wrong-writing. My dad always poked fun at me in middle school for thinking that I'm always right, even though I always said something like, "According to my grades, I'm right only right 90% of the time."

I do feel like this is true, but then again it's probably another hyperbole. So much of what I've blogged in the past few months has been so horribly, horribly, negative. I hate it; I vent it here. Maybe I'm looking for an audience, maybe I'm looking for support to pull me out of uncertainty. I don't know anymore.

Being a teenager has been hard for me. I've dealt with traumatic changes in my social circles, with a low self esteem, with unused ability and intelligence. I've gone from being a little fish in a big pond to a big fish in a little pond. I've broken out in rebellion, in curiosity, in anger and in grief. All the changes, both good and bad, and the small and large pulling from every direction of life has worn me out, worn me thin. In this thinness I forget where my foundation is and go looking for answers I can't understand. From those answers I spew words I understand, but regret because I can't even seem to see the focus of it all anymore. Then I go on thinking those words, clamped again like an oyster, are deep in the sea where no one can find them.

People do find those oysters though. But when they open them up, when they read my words here on the blog, they don't always find the treasure they hope to find in me. Sometimes they find as much garbage as I see so little focus. I blame the internet. Then again, it's mostly my fault; the internet is a tool, and I've used it irresponsibly in the last few months, and before then too.

I want to change that this summer. I want to write down the happy thoughts, the happy moments, then share those. When I'm in those bad, dark moods and mindsets I want to be able to write my way out of them. I want to create the worlds I dream of, strengthen the relationships I have, both with people and within the vast, cluttered box that is my mind.

I'm still going to get fired up about things, and I'm still going to go places in my mind where I don't want to go. I'm still going to write with caution to the wind, but I don't want to put those articles up here. The things I do put up here, I intend to reread, and even if I can't do it alone, I want to comb through it a little more objectively. It's not my place to judge, or to act or speak out against superiors, or to insult the people who have lives outside their actions and appearances. That's one thing I've learned from Southeastern, however late it may be. I wondered all year what I could possibly take away from that school, and I think I've finally found one if the things.

So here's my commitment, that I ask in despotism for all my readers to hold me to: I'll write more positively. I'll keep my cool; I'll try to have a little more patience with people. I'll try to use less words to change things and more actions to set the example. When I'm in a hole, I'll write my way out of if, even if I have to share it with select people. I'll try as hard as I can to avoid those touchy subjects that one side the family loves to talk about that would tear the other side apart if we talked about it. I'll try hard to avoid controversy, unless I'm the one it's about and I have to clean it up. I may even want to write more allegorically, if that would help. And last, but certainly not least of all, I want to be open minded.

So please, keep me on the track set before me. Don't let me veer off by my own will. Watch what I write, so that I may learn to do the same.

Arrested

2010-06-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like I got arrested. I didn't get into any trouble, but rather I was stopped in the middle of my morning routine at school. Later in the day I also got arrested by what someone said on twitter. These two things today made me halt and made me hinder on topics I feel strongly about, but shouldn't talk about because I end up looking stupid most of the time.

School

This morning I woke up late again. If it wasn't for my dad not only would I have overslept even more, but I also wouldn't have made it to school on time to drop off my bus pass. Thanks Dad! Back to school: as I was dropping off my bus pass in the main office I started chatting with one the secretaries. This secretary is the one I had for Portuguese for two trimesters of the year. Even though she can't teach for her life (literally: she has no teaching experience at all) I love her and thinks she's a great person to have in the school.

So as I was talking to her she brought up my choice to transfer once again. She asked, "Are you really leaving? Are you sure you don't want to do virtual high school?" I told her I was done in my choice, and I also told her I had a whole rant about virtual high school. When I walked into the office I noticed the academic director out of the corner of my eye, but ignored her and eventually forgot about her while I was chatting with the secretary. My friend had talked to her about the academics, and when he told me about the things she said I was shocked and a little, I don't know, disgusted? That may be too harsh... maybe just more upset. I can't even remember what he said, but I expect more of an academic director than she was acting.

So when she heard my remark she instantly spoke up. She wanted to here what I had to say, or so it seems. I know that when I talk to the administrators they hear me, but they don't take me to heart on most things. When I say, "The academics here are horrible," I'm insulting her indirectly, as well as the rest of the staff. I don't mean to be brash, but it's true. My teachers will vouch for that, but are smart enough to keep quiet because the school is allowed to fire teachers who have a different educational philosophy than them. If you don't find that in the least bit disgusting, or at least cruel, than your not thinking straight.

So as we talked she pushed me, poked me, and used my emotions to make me spit out more of my opinions. I was actually feeling angry at her by the end of our conversation; if I didn't restrain my views a bit I could have gotten a lot of teachers fired because I know how they feel about the quality of the academics and why. Using this information is totally logical, but backfires completely on the teachers supporting me. I said things about virtual high school that are very situational, and from a very limited view point. Of course I have some solid arguments. A huge one is wanting to be with teachers already in the building, not across the country. If there is someone who can teach at my level in the building, then why shouldn't I be with them?

Well apparently it 'doesn't work that way'. Just more frustration for me. Then she moved onto my academics in general, and asked me about my grades. Of course I was asked if I had all A's, which is always a stumbling point in my argument: I have one B. It's my Geometry class, and like I said, my teacher can't teach. Then of course I should be motivated to learn on my own right? No, no - I'm too lazy. I expect my teachers to actually try to teach me something, because I know I can learn it if it's actually given to me. Learning things on my own is something I'm more than happy to do at home, be it homework or merit badges. At school I want to learn something from the people being paid to teach us, not learn something on my own in a class of unruly students and an inattentive babysitter.

The only thing the academic director could agree with me on is that the students aren't the best behavior wise. But then she said that that's a totally different problem from the academics. I think they are very much related: how could I take a class with kids who spend half their time in ISS and not expect for their to be class room consequences for the rest of us? I can't, and that's why there's part of a problem reaching into both things.

Before we finished she told me to stop pretending to be a professional, saying something like, "Oh, well I have three college degrees. Do you?" Of course not! But I'm the one sitting in the classes you think are acceptable! It pissed me off to hear that, especially because I hate professionalism, just like that kid in the Dark Tower does. I know it's a quality I'll have one day, but I can't stand the idea of being 'professional' right now! Ever since my principal called my teachers unprofessional, in front of me, for telling me their opinions on the quality of the academics, I've hatted professionalism. That definitely wasn't professional of him, was it?

I told the director I'm definitely not a professional. "You act like it," she replied. ~~Arrogant little...~~ I really was fuming at that point. Thank God for the bell. I left, giving her my name. "You know what, I think I've heard of you before..." she mumbled. Not surprising, since later my chef told me that all the teachers were wondering why I'm leaving. I almost laughed, but left to go tell Joel about my little conversation with it.

Now I want to clear up a lot of what I just wrote above and what I've written in the past. I don't hate those administrators, I just think that they're putting their personal politics at the center and not my personal education, or the general education of the school for that matter, at the center. Behind the facade of professionalism and school politics those are real people. Because of that facade I don't always see that.

Later my chef, my science teacher and Joel all told me I need to tell people to shut up when they ask me about my reasons for transferring. It's none of their business at this point: I have my classes picked for heaven's sake. I just need to tell them, or at least the adults who ask, that my parents and I talked it over and decided that it's in my best interest to transfer. It's like my dad was saying this morning; he asked for tie off this October and simply said "Because it's my vacation time" when questioned about his plans. I don't need to explain myself to people, even though I do it mostly to make people think about how bad it really is in the academics. Now, after months of fruitless efforts, I've realized I can't make these people change their minds about all the things that piss me off about my school.

So next time I'm asked, I just have to say one thing: "Because my parents decided it"

Twitter

FIRST: The 'internet' is a worldwide system of interconnected networks and computers. It isn't a 'place' anymore than Narnia is. Yes, it does exist in a physical place, and is situated all over planet Earth. But it's made up of binary, flowing between points. God goes much farther than Earth (someone I think CS Lewis was trying to point out in the Narnia series).

SECOND: The internet is powered by those same computers and networks. It isn't 'ever powerful'; the internet is powered by electricity, mostly from oil and other fossil fuels (with a few natural, ie. solar/ thermal, energy sources). It only has as much power as we humans give it. It also can't save itself when the network goes down: we have to do that our selves.

THIRD: Yes, it absolutely swallows people up. If you don't believe me, check out this infographic on Gizmodo. Yes, people can be so swallowed up in a network they'll give their Sundays to porn. Of course there are good things about the internet; it potentially makes us smarter, it makes the flow of information exponentially faster than it has been in the last 2000 years, and it provides some great free entertainment like Hulu. But just because it swallows us hope doesn't mean it won't spit us out again when something bigger comes along.

FOURTH: Google is not like Jesus. Sure; life as we currently know it wouldn't be possible without Google. Honestly, how would congress work together if the Republicans didn't use Google to find out where the stimulus money went? But we can't deny that Google is much too powerful, and history should teach us that when a group of people have ot much power, the world should be afraid. Google is not Jesus; we need Him much more than we need a search engine for a network that doesn't operate outside this plane of existence. If you think of the traditional theatre, than we are inside the 'box', and God is outside it. If Google exists inside the box with us, how can it break the fourth wall to get to God? It can't. Jesus was fully man, and Jesus was fully God. He is the only thing that can break that fourth wall for us to come to God. He lived in the world, but He didn't let the world live in Him; that's what Google is all about.

So now the browser's getting slow because of the length of this post (and possibly the content?). I'd also like to hop on the bike at some point, so I may need to stop. What I wrote above about school is the end, at least I hope, of my worrying about SE. School ends next Thursday, and I'm done next Wednesday (camping trip for the win!). I'm bad about rereading posts, so if there's anything to objectionable please tell me.

As for the Twitter incident, as I'm now calling it, I could write a hell of a lot more. The internet cannot replace God, but it could be a powerful metaphor for him. So by withholding the rest of my thoughts I hope I provoke some thoughts in you today. Amen (let it be).

Really?!

2010-06-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

I had no patience today, almost as soon as I got up. I got out of bed knowing I wouldn't be ready for the day. It all boils down to my last two periods, with almost nothing leading up to it.

During first period I was just chatting with my teacher (you know, because the other kid at my table is, uh, interesting?). He said something about the school playing a movie during periods 7&8, or my last class: English. Knowing my English teacher I was thinking we wouldn't be going to see a silly movie with a few other classes.

Let's see how wrong I was: not only did we go to see the movie, it was about 10 of the freshman academic classes stuffed onto the bleachers of the large gym. But I never would have had to think about going if I didn't see my teacher standing outside the library all day reminding us to meet her there.

Also, as an aside, we're working on finals this week. The aside part of this is that we're using myaccess.com again, which kills me. Here's the formula which calculates my readability: FKRA = (0.39 x ASL) + (11.8 x ASW) - 15.59. REALLY? When I read that yesterday I called my teacher over and asked her about it. She said, "Oh silly you. Why would the computer make sense?" Again, it kills me. Someone even told me the only reason the school uses myaccess is so the school can see which teacher does has the best students. Obviously, or maybe even syllogistically based on my experience with the 'superiors', this is to measure how well they actually teach. It's one of those things that make me blurt out, "Really?!?" in the middle of class, drawing attention to myself.

So my readability is, currently, 7.5. This means a seventh grader can read my paper; so what? If I answer the essay prompt with an appropriate understanding conveyed through the writing, does the level at which I write it matter? Apparently not: my grade is only based on my 'holistic score'. I suppose I'm just annoyed that I'm having my paper grader by a computer and getting negative feedback that means nothing to me or my grade.

I will say that I do appreciate the ability of having the rubrics right there and available to me all the time, and having infinite submissions is even better. But the grading is way off, and it's not even done by a living person. For some people it's their dream, especially in college where bias towards content is prominent among many professors. But I hate it, especially in school, and especially because I know why the school uses it.I just want my teachers to grade my papers, and not the computers that will take over the world (soon!).

But back to the topic at hand: Next week we have 2 half-days, both for finals. Next Thursday I have Science and History finals. Friday I have Geometry and English. As I said my English final is my essay, but that's only actually half of it. I still have to take a fill-in-the-dots test for each class. I feel like I could use a bit more preparation, but otherwise I'll be fine. Other people, though, have already given up all hope of passing as they've already failed their freshman year. Ouch.

So here is where a huge part of my problem comes from: we watched a movie during my period 7&8 English class. We watched in the large gym, with most of my class. We sat by class, making me even more miserable - more on that later. What I don't understand, and what caused the most frustration? We watched "The Goonies."

Obviously I didn't have a problem with the content; I've been watching that since I was, like, 8. I was just livid that we weren't getting ready for finals. Why celebrate preemptively, when there are so many woefully unprepared kids in all my classes? It's not summer yet, no matter what your friends on Facebook say...

The rest of my problems with is were all person/ social problems. As I wrote the other day, I don't exactly love my peers. So I sat right in the middle of the group for the entire hour and a half. Before we even sat down I was begging to go to the library. Apparently it was blocked off from all directions and no students were allowed in. the librarian loves me, so I tried to manipulate my teacher into letting me go. Then she told me the library was on patrol too, keeping track of the Sophomores who were at the MCAS melt-down, a party for the Sophomores who took all three MCASs this year. I said whatever to the party, dismissing it; they pretty much deserved it (but not that horrible DJ...). I was like, "WTF?!? REALLY?!?" staright to my teachers face. She just gave me a "sorry" and a sympathetic frown, then walked away to her seat with the teachers.

As I struggled threw the hour I dealt with a kid pushing and shoving the kid next to me, the punks in front of me, and the people behind me who always get high and mighty when I loose my patience. It was a long time in that sticky, crowded little gym (ironically called the large gym, because we have two...). After we got out my ears were ringing (who can stay silent when they're surrounded by their friends, even if they're not my friends). All the teachers I know gave me more sympathetic looks: it took a lot out of me to look back at them with a sarcastic smile. So much so that I almost fell asleep on the bus (if not for a call from Britt...).

So now I'm still tired. I even went to the gym tonight. So now I need to go get some of my own sleep: I'll worry about raising my English average tomorrow. I'm one point over now! So until next time, sleep well!

Norton Pride?

2010-06-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

So today I picked up the first shirt from my bureau. It was my Norton pride shirt, and I said, "Ehh, whatever. At least it's the soft one." And is a soft shirt, but apparently the message on the front isn't so soft if it puts people up in arms.
Back when I was still deciding whether or not I want to go to Southeastern I remember having a long conversation with my aunt on the phone. One of the things I brought up, for whatever unknown reason, was that I had a lot of Norton-centric shirts. She said not to worry about it: when she went to a regional high school most people did. She also compared it to college, where everybody wheres clothes from or about their home town. It wasn't really a deciding factor for me, but it did make me feel a little better.

Throughout the year I have seen a lot of my Norton friends at Southeastern wear their Norton shirts and sweatshirts. Most people don't even notice them, and if they do they usually just give a, "Oh that's cool," and drop the subject. Thinking about it now, I've worn this particular Norton shirt a good number of times this year, and I have never heard as many comments about it as I have today.

There were a couple of times I would hear people in the hall mumble about 'Norton pride', Those people are easy to ignore. The people who aren't easy to ignore? The ~~obnoxious~~ students of my Geometry, History, and English classes. When you have math class with the school sports director, who wears a Southeastern polo every day, you get more than a little crap about it from his football-monkeys in the back of the class. He honestly is an intelligent and cool guy (even if he can't teach), but he is way to proud of the school.

Then in History there are a number of kids who will take any chance they get to pick on me. I haven't cared much about them since December: they're throw-away kids, people who don't care to, and never will, learn. When we were doing independent work (ie: having two worksheets to do in 45-60 minutes; too easy), someone started talking about how there should be a new religion. That bugged me, so when they started talking about what it would replace I went ahead and stupidly said, "Go ahead, make another dead religion!" but I stopped myself from explaining the rest of my thoughts, afraid of a religions rant while my teacher was standing at the front of the room trying to say something.

Just yesterday he asked if he wasn't giving us enough work. I said, "If I answer that question honestly this class will stone me to death." He knew I meant the traditional stoned as in being beaten to death with rocks, but the class thought I meant I would get high. With that example in mind, they started asking me if there was a Norton religion and were they can get a shirt. ~~Arrogant gits...~~ Thankfully the teacher spoke up that moment, but I was fuming inside.

I took a deep breath through my nose and exhaled through my mouth like I learned at RAYV. Only a few half and hour now, I thought. I couldn't wait to get out, but we still had to watch the rest of The Pianist, which we having been watching parts of for weeks now. Before the movie went back on I picked up the book I'm reading now; Shine really gets me out of the school mindset and into the kingdom mindset. At that point I pushed out their incessant comments and annoying faux- sex sounds and delved into the book.

I got concentrated, then put the book away so I could watch the rest of the movie. It's so annoying when we take weeks to get through a movie. I hate when we just get to the good part as the bell is ringing. There was no such chance for that today though, and I was pumped for the movie to finish. Is he gonna make it? I wondered to myself. I hoped so... But this doesn't have to do with the story of my shirt, so we need to fast-forward to my next class: English.

Now my English teacher is pretty awesome: she makes fun of everyone else and makes sure I know I shouldn't be in her class [because they're there with me]. When we're mostly focused on work she makes sure we stick to it, which I'm more than thankful for. I'm mostly thankful for this because the same people who like picking on me in History are in my English class, and with more of their friends too (though some of them aren't too bad. It's mostly just the kids from History that're annoying). As soon as my teacher was busy they pick back on the subject of my shirt.

And that, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I instantly said, as I had planned to do so if they brought it back up, "I got this shirt at a walk-a-thon for a friend of mine who got shot. Can you please shut up?"

And they did. That's the story behind my Norton pride shirt. I got it at a walk-a-thon for my friend and her family after she (my friend), her sister, her dog, and her mom were shot after a Rascall Flatts concert by their mom's ex-boyfriend, who later committed suicide. Her mom and her dog didn't make it; she and her sister were in ICU for months. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to go through, watching them struggle for their life.

The fact that I had to bring up that story to get them to shut up saddens me. It wasn't just that I had to tell them the story to get them to shut up: that much is expected of them. It's the fact that I had to relieve the most depressing 6 months of my young life in about 6 minutes.
The phone call;
my mom bursting into my room with tears on her face;
my instant realization that somebody died and I didn't know who - yet;
the news broadcasts I watched with my great grandparents;
the silent tears I shed that weak;
the state of shock I was in for months;
all these things went through me like a lightning bolt.

I'm surprise I didn't cry in class. When I told my teacher - who had my friend's older sister that year - all she could manage to say was, "That's horrible. But that's this class. They don't change."

It put me in a bad mood all afternoon. Add to that some new pictures of the Gulf oil spill I saw on my iPod (thank God for my Reeder app - yes Kara, that's the correct spelling for this app - and for poorly secured school laptop-cart wifi - even with it's proxies), I was totally miserable. I almost fell asleep on the bus, out of pure exhaustion from school and my crazy busy life.

Later I went out on a bike ride: yes, in the rain. I was feeling angry and mad and totally out of that kingdom-mindset I was striving for during History. When I got down the street to my little cropping of rocks I stop at before I start (almost) every ride, I reluctantly sank down on a rock. I prayed, and felt very humbled by the pouring rain on my loose tee-shirt and my baggy shorts. Ironically, my '[Norton] pride' slipped away, and I felt much better about the day.

So that's the story about my Norton pride shirt. The only mystery is where I got the white paint stain on the back from: I still haven't figured that one out. But there's lots more to write about before school ends: my hopes and dreams for summer, my memoir of a Southeastern year, my quotes (at least the appropriate ones) from the year, party plans! for the house, the reasons I think we need a new computer for the addition (when we actually have money to afford one again), and much more. Look out blogger: I've got a lot to write!

Spread Thin

2010-06-07T19:30:00.001-07:00

Today I feel spread: like peanut butter, over the stickiest white bread. Dad, that food analogy was for you! But honestly, I feel like the world is pulling me a hundred directions at once. It's 9:33, and I still need to shower before I go to bed, but I just want to bang out a few points about my frustration right now.

• School

◦ Ugh. Finals. What can I say? Seriously though, I was sent out of my science class by my awesome teacher who know I was bored during review, mostly because we were going over the nervous system again. I say again because in December I wrote an honors paper about Gulliean-Barre Syndrome, which is a nervous system disorder. I had to go bunny trailing my way through the internet to get all the information I needed for that essay, and by the time I was done I basically knew more than the textbook when it came to nerve cells. So I went to the library and did an honors paper about the skeletal system. Still boring.

◦ Today the vocational director walked past me and make a comment about how nice my poem was. She was, of course, referring to the poem I wrote for The Walk literary magazine my school was publishing. I don't know why, but I felt frustrated that she's still so interested in me. She knows I'm leaving, but I guess she just like me. Oh well.

◦ English class.... is nightmare. We spent half our class time looking at a newspaper from the 60. The job listings back then were so creepy... “Looking for single 18 yr. Old female. Secretary position: appearance a must”. I get that it's the end of the year, and we haven't done much else all year, but why? I just want to get something done for a change, without getting stuck up in my unproductive class. As it is I have to type my english final essay tomorrow in class... Hope my iPod is charged, because that'll be a long way to end the day in a computer lab.

• People

◦ I talked to E-L again today. She was actually willing to talk to me, surprisingly. We went over a lot of things: now I realized that she was really hurting when I said what I did, and then I went and made it worse. “You never know what people are feeling behind their smile”. Never before has that phrase had more of an impact on me... Now I'm waiting to see if she's willing to talk to me anymore.

◦ Nicole.... I just feel like we don't talk enough. She always busy, which doesn't help much. We probably can't go out this week, or this weekend (unless she wants to go to the zoo with us this weekend... but she hates photographs, so it would not be her favorite thing to go with my camera slinging dad).

◦ When my chef told the class I was transferring last week, it brought back up all their questions about why I was leaving. They think they have it made: easy classes, working in a kitchen half the year... but it's not for me. Just got stick through it; I think I'll give a final explanation someday before school ends. That'll go over great...

◦ My friend is moving back up this Thursday, and I really want to hang out with her. Doubt that'll happen with all the business of late...

◦ I have a couple of friends do are dating that do stupid things: I worry about them a lot. I also have friends who are unofficially married, and I just want them to officially be a couple. And I have a another couple of friends who are dating and get to see each other all the time: he's always telling me how bad he feels for me, not being able to see Nicole. I say it's fine, but I honestly am extremely jealous of them

• Technology

◦ It sucks. I accidentally deleted the chat history with E-L, which I wanted to take screen shots of to keep as a reminder. Guess I'll just have to settle with blog posts.

◦ Kevin (the Manhattan developer) isn't very helpful when I'm trying to setup my wireless card on the computer. He says my computer is hard to support because it's so old: or is it because he's to young to actually do anything to help me? He told me my cousin knows a lot more about hardware than him, which didn't make me feel to great. I just get impatient with technology (and people) really quickly I guess.

◦ I haven't gotten to play WoW in forever, and when I did get to hop on I don't feel very excited about it anymore. I guess there are things I enjoy better than it now, if only slightly... Well, I guess I'm waiting for Cataclysm to come out at this point.

◦ Also, when Chris and I pre-ordered Starcraft 2 we didn't know that the free beta keys weren't being given out anymore. WTF? Now we have to wait until this summer... Even though I'm more excited for Diablo II...

Well, it's 10:00 now. I have school tomorrow and a shower to take, and still have to post this and reply to the comments of my last post(s). Not to mention posting this one. Technically, though, I'm baby-sitting and should be waiting for the parents to get home first...

Well, in short, I just really want it to be summer. I want to untangle these shoe laces from the world and get out brain out of the gutter. I want to have time to think and not to run around like a chicken with it's head cut off. That's what writing this post in 30 minutes felt like, and I didn't even get into some of the things I wanted to say. Well, there's always Geometry class to blog during tomorrow... and if I buy the Reeder app I'll be able to get through some of my RSS feeds at school, which would be really, really nice.

So tomorrow I'm going to the library to hang out with people before scouts, and won't have time to post. By Wednesday I should have some half decent thoughts for this blog...

Deep Thought

2010-06-06T16:18:00.001-07:00

So today I took another long bike ride. I was full of frustration and anger, which I'll get into in a minute. But when I stopped for the third time to untangle my shoe laces from my bike chain I had an epiphany; the epiphany lead to many more deep thoughts.

I started out this morning with a good mood: I just put the AC in last night, plus Chris wasn't home. When I got to church I was still in a pretty good mood: I actually had a really nice conversation with my Dad about the addition (PS: tell me if you think I should post some pictures of the addition: it's coming along great!). I had confirmation class, got caught up on all the things I've been missing because I'm always late, and then enjoyed the service. I even got to sit with Juli, who was my prayer partner during the RAYV. After church I got a packet of French vocabulary/ study guide from a French teacher my family is friends with so I wouldn't be so lost in September. It was a really good morning, but when I got home I was pretty much lost in my own strife.

I was trying to plan out the rest of my day: I really wanted a good chunk of computer time today. That meant I would have an hour to eat (1:00 to 2:00, since we had company over for lunch), and an hour to ride (2:00 to 3:00, like 13 miles again). Then I could shower and have the rest of the day on the computer. It didn't happen that way.

My shoes were soaked from yesterday's town Fishing Derby: it's not like I was in the water helping people - they all knew what they were doing this year. It was because it poured for about 30 minutes and I stupidly left my boots at home (home being ten minutes away by bike, I felt even stupider). So I was still upset about some of the more pointless parts of the Fishing Derby, even though I had a lot of fun with my friends. Not only that, but Chris was, as usual, in a bad mood and took it out on the computer. He wanted to play on it all afternoon, just like me. I told him I would be home by 3:30 from my bike ride, and that from then until 10:00 I wanted to use the computer exclusively. That didn't go over well.

But the day got worse as it went on: when I put my shoes through the wash I forgot to hold the start button until it actually started. After an hour thinking they were already washed and just needed to be dried, I found them still unwashed. For the whole hour I was making red pepper medley and caramelizing onions for burgers, I was upset that I didn't get to put them into the drier. I was not happy. Once I actually ran the wash and put them in the drier they get pushing the drier door open: I was literally like “WTF?”, which is never a good sign for me. I eventually got them mostly dry, but that didn't make me feel much better [, since they were still wet].

So I ate with the guests, waiting for my sneakers to eventually be dry enough for me to wear. It was a good meal, and I even got some time to read through my Google Reader – I need to unsubscribe from some stuff, because 123 items in a day from one website is ridiculous. I left in a flurry, around 4:40, telling Chris that I want the computer for the rest of the afternoon once I get home.

Looking at the clouds, they matched my mood perfectly. Dark and scattered; being pushed around all day from some unseen wind that has it out for it [or me]. I left the house, and decided I needed to stop at my usual place. It a little patch of boulders overlooking one of the cleared valleys with all the main power lines. It's actually really pretty, especially when there aren't any of the annoying bulldozers in my view. I stopped and prayed, read through Romans 6 again, and went off, feeling a little better, but still upset.

As I biked I stopped about 3 times to untangle my shoe laces from my bike chain. I had to tie and untie them each time, eventually triple knotting them. That when I realized something about my life: my shoe laces are too knotted up in the world. If my feet are stuck, I stumble. If I try to run from it, it follows after. Thinking of something I recently heard on K-Love I saw how it parallels what Jesus said about the world; something like “We're meant to live in the world, but the world isn't meant to live in us”. Also, looking in the dictionary, a prophet is someone who tells the truth about life. I really think this thing with shoe laces is true about life - or my life at least - so I suppose that makes me a prophet. Who would have though?

From there I slowly drew out of the world and into grace. I was still a little grumpy, with a small stomach ache, but I felt peaceful. Grace pushed me on; it excited me more than anything else. As I biked I wondered what people would think if they heard the music I was listening to: “New World” by tobyMac, which is basically metal about Narnia. It made me smile to myself, and that's what kept pushing me forward.

I kept thinking about all the things that hold me in this world, and then decided I didn't want them to live in me. I want the things that make me miserable to live outside of me, not in me. So I kept riding, and my shoe laces didn't get caught once after that.

I also want to note that if I didn't put on my “Believin” playlist after “Wavin' Flag” came on, I probably wouldn't have had any of these deep thoughts; I never would have had a revelation about shoe laces. It's amazing what music can do for your mood, and your brain. I definitely want to make my kids listen to a lot of music one day... you know, like ten years from now when I'm actually old enough (in my own mind) to have kids, not now.

Now:

I'm sitting at the computer wondering what to do next. My day did get turned on its ear: but I think I'm going to go play Torchlight. I didn't get distracted at all righting this today: I did it all from Manhattan(a Linux operating system based on Ubuntu). Since I can't seem to understand anything to do with drivers in Manhattan (I still need to ask my cousin about that...) I have no internet access from it. That means no distracting Facebookor Reader feeds to read through. I can't go looking for websites or pictures to link through: I did that in Windows before I started up Manhattan. The only distracting things are the white bar at the bottom that should be clear, and the gorgeous desktop background.

Right now, though, I don't really care about getting the drivers working properly. This is only Alpha 5, Alpha 6 is out right now and I haven't even downloaded it. I really want to test is, but I wouldn't know what to do. I'm an end user, not a developer or bug tester. I haven't even installed the OS onto my computer: I'm still using Unetbootin to live boot Manhattan from Chris flash drive, which I have to clean before he goes back to school tomorrow so he has all his school work. That means deleting the files for Manhattan off the drive again. At this point I'm thinking I'll wait to partition and format my hard drive until the beta comes out: that should be a little easier to keep track of. I'll still play around with it by means of live boots, maybe even figuring out how to use my windows drivers with it, but I won't be doing any heavy lifting with it (like playing WoW with Wine).

But Kevin, if you read this: Thanks a ton for giving me a distraction free operating system to write on! It made this blog post much faster to write, even if I have to upload to Google Docs and post it to the blog from there. I promise to install it one day!

PS: Kevin, After I restarted the computer it wanted to run checkdisk. Could that be because I wrote to the HDD outside of windows? Weird... And the links I put in from Lotus were totally screwed up. They went on and on... and they don't highlight in Lotus. Not your problem, just pointing out that I had to fix them.

Here are some pics of Manhattan for the clueless out there:

Memorial Day Weekened

2010-06-05T13:46:00.001-07:00

I had a great four day Memorial Day Weekend. It started Friday and ended with a horrible awakening Tuesday morning. Here's how it went:

Friday

On Friday I was home. Chris and Ben weren't. Can you guess who was extremely happy all day? My mom even brought me out to lunch at the hotdog stand. I've never had anything like the fried scallop roll, but it was so good!

After lunch mom took me over to the high school, where I had a meeting with my future guidance counselor. He helped my mom an I pick my classes for next year; not to disappointing, actually. I decided to go with honors for everything but math (algebra 2), including the freshman science class I'm required to take at some point. Better than doing it senior year, right?

For my electives I choose band and introduction to business, with graphic arts, journalism and AV for my alternatives. I also choose to go headlong into French 2, which should be very interesting. The only French I've spoken lately is from a French McDonald's commercial which awkwardly ended in <I> vennez comme vous êtes<I>, or "come as you are". So with the help of some French teachers we know hopefully I'll make it through next year. I really do love French, but it doesn't help terribly much when you walk away from it for a year.

I also went to my grandparent's house that night, hoping for a little piece and quiet. While Ben came with me t wasn't too bad: I did enjoy watching <link> Beverly Hills Chefs that night with my grandma. And of course I slept on the couch, which I usually find much more comfortable than the bed.

Saturday

Sadly, that couch wasn't so comfy Friday night. I did sleep through the night, but when mornin came I ended moving to the bed Ben was sleeping in (since he was up and out around 6). It wasn't the best morning for sleeping, and I was pretty stiff all day. Thinking I should still go see a chiropractor sometime...

Saturday was still nice though: my cousins came over while their mom was away in Vermont, and my uncle went out for some peace. I was grumpy he didn't bring the iPad, because I really wanted some better sheet music than Christmas and beginning stuff, though Nicole thought it was sweet that I got stuck on 'Beautiful Brown Eyes'.

Later, after I got home, I went over to Nicole's to go to the Crossings with her. We had a great time, walking around the stores. She even convinced me to pay for half of a chess board, which we later played chess, checkers and Chinese checkers on. She beat me every time, except once on Chinese checkers. We played at Coldstone, and later Borders while we were waiting for her mom to get us. I wasn't too happy about losing, but I was extremely happy to be with her. It's still hard to go out with her when she's so busy, but we find time.

On the way home Nicole convinced me to go back to her house an have cupcakes for her sisters birthday. It ended up being cupcakes, brownies and Pirates Booty, but it was all really good. We watched Planet 51 later, and I missed the last few minutes because my parents wanted me home before midnight. It was a really awesome day!

Sunday

Sunday was a better day than Saturday. It was the usual 4 hours of church in the morning, including confirmation class and coffee hour. It was a fairly uneventful day, except for a nice long bike ride before lunch, until about 6 when we went to our friends house for a fire. The fire turned into a party with all the older boy and girl scouts (until like 11...), but I wen over to Nicole's for her sister's actual birthday party. I had her mom's amazing cake, which she offered to teach me to make, and then we went down and watched Glee with her sister and her sister's boyfriend. I didn't love it, but it was ok; alright, let's say I'm hooked. It was weird; very energetic characters and a good amount of talent. I feel compelled to watch it now... Except I'm writing this in class right now, watching "The Vampire's Assistant".

Around 11 I called my friend and asked him to come pick me up and bring me back to the party. He said sure, and brought me back to our friends house after talking to Nicole's sister and boyfriend for like half an hour. When we finally got back to the party all the other guys went back home and the girls were having a sleep over. My friend and I stayed for a little bit, then he took me home. My parents were glad to finally see me home: I can't help but wonder what they were thinking. But either way, I'm glad they trust me.

Monday

Monday was another interesting day, being memorial day and all. We went to the parade to 'march', in lines for a change. My friend and I who used to do marching band both kept in step with the band behind us, but kept breaking the lines because the conversation was excruciatingly boring.

I got to talk to Nicole for a little while after the parade since she was marching with the high school band. I wondered if it was her drum I was stepping in time with... But then I also realized it was the third day in a row I got to see her.

Later the family went to my cousins house for a Memorial Day barbecue/ house warming party. It wasn't exactly the family kind of party I was used to, with lots of friends of my cousin and his wife, mostly college age.

So that was most of Memorial Day weekend... Now thinking if I'm trying to write too much in a post. Thoughts, questions and suggestions all welcomed!

One Week

2010-05-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

So it's been one week since the rayv now and I've had very little rime to write. Over the last week there have been a few things I wanted to write about, but never got a chance to. Hopefully this will be a conglomeration of everything lately.

The Fight

No, I wasn't in a real fight. But, just like I said in my talk I've been fighting temptations. I really hate being 15, especially in this age: we teens today are faced with so much more than any previous generation. It's not just saying or doing things anymore: it's writing, reading, meeting, even thinking that we're tempted with! It's hard.

People who know me will say I need to get my mind out of the gutter. I'm constantly saying 'point' or 'giggidy'. It's not just saying those things that tempt me, it's thinking in the way that makes sense for me to say it. I remember our pastor giving a sermon once when I was younger, saying how teenagers think about it every 15 seconds. Of course I was to young to understand it then, but I certainly do now. It's that kind of thinking (and any subsequent actions) that tempt me. Everyday.

I combat these things as best I can, but, like Timothy, I find my self stumbling. It's hard, but I fight as best I can. Sometimes the hardest thing to do though is giving up the fight to God. But regardless of how I or people my age win the fight, or what (or Who) tempts us, we can all agree that giving into temptations can be the most shaming thing of all.

Not everyone feels about about the bad things they've done (see: guilt and sin). I have this one friend who has no guilt at all for the things he does when his girlfriend's not around - his brother was shocked. I was shocked when I found out what my dating friends did one Saturday afternoon, or what another friend asked his girlfriend to do. For the most part they know the things they do are wrong, but they don't care. It's just sad to watch people destroy their lives and not even know it.

I know when I'm destroying my life, and I try my hardest to stop myself no matter how close I am to dying a little more inside. I feel like I should be reaching out to those people more: giving my testimony, making them see and not just do. I'm convinced every fight is easier with allies, but how many fight can change their allegiances?

The TXT Message

So last week my class was waiting for our Geometry teacher to wake up from the dream that he's teaching us something. My friend Nick got up and crossed the room to talk to a friend named E-L. While he was over there he took her phone and sent a message to me ,pretending to be a bisexual kid in my class, saying I'm sexy and asking to go out with me. This isn't the important text message though.

No, the far more important message was my response, which came later with much hate reply. I didn't answer right away, knowing something wasn't right. You see, I happened to know that particular bi- kid since 6th grade from band, and he only flames out loud like that when there was an audience. There was no real audience, and that was the fishy part.

After classed I asked Nick about the message, since he's kind of friends with the bi- kid. He confessed that he sent it, and from E-L's phone at that. I would have been fine with the whole situation at that point, but later E-L came up to me and made a horrible accusation about my 'religion' (again, people thinking about dead religion, not the living Christ that it's about).

I got really mad at that. She is the most perverted, obnoxious, flamboyant bisexual I know, and she was criticizing me over my religion? I could have written the nastiest response about her sexuality as I could make up, but instead I simply told her I would have no problems with her if she wasn't so outwardly perverted and obnoxious about her sexuality. And those things are true. I explained in my 'apology' later that I don't know if bi- or homosexuality is a sin, or why (if it is). I can only say it's not what I want for my life, and I believe it's not God's plan for me either.

Thursday night I got a message from her best friend asking why I told her she was going to hell. I happened to be at youth group that night, and Jessy (one of our youth ministers) told me how her whole family thinks that way about her too. I was pissed he thought that, and that E-L made that up. Honestly, I would love to judge people's worthiness for heaven, but I know I would royally screw it up. That's why I don't make that kind of judgment, because only God can.In the end I got him to understand that I was upset with her when I sent her that text, and that I have more compassion for her then either of them would understand.

He made it sound like she was crazy upset about what I said, so that's why I sent the apology, and that's why I called her to make sure she was ok. I told her I sent the apology, and she said she'd read it later. She didn't want to talk to me: why would she? She thought I was insulting her directly, and not her choice to be bi-. It really just bothers me. I suppose it goes back to the whole 15 seconds thing.... if you have nothing else to think about...?

But I just hope when I see her next that she's ok again. I don't even have to talk to her anymore: we're both transferring next year. I just want things to be right between us again, but she probably doesn't even want to be happy. She lives to make herself miserable: not taking pills for a week, then taking a week's worth in a day. It's horrible, and I hope she climbs out of her hole of brokenness one day.

My Bike

One of the things I love the most about the spring, summer and fall is that I can ride my bike again after the long, cold winter. My bike has, in the past, been a ticket out of the fights of my brothers or my own fights with them. Around 2 in the afternoon every day in the summer I would be on my bike, escaping the pain at home.

There was also a point where I needed to get on the bike because of my weight (I would say obesity, but I was never diagnosed. Or I was just never told...). That was kind of hard for me: to this day I still hate the fact that I was so fat as a kid: I think it's definitely made a lot of problems for me. I hated my body as I kid. I felt totally trapped in it.

But biking became a bit of escape around the end of last year. It made me feel good about myself: yes, a little proud and maybe even arrogant.? Last year I also lost that feeling that my body was totally disgusting: something probably clicked. It was a year of beginnings and false ends, since things you think are over are never really over.

This year biking has become so much more for me, just as maturity makes so much more of your life. I still feel completely free when I'm biking, especially when I go down new roads or when I'm going somewhere, and not just around the corner. It's become a time for thinking, for concentration, for purifying my mind; it's become a peaceful time to see nature, geography and people and their dwellings flow together. Of course, it helps being in a fairly country New England town, with lots of back roads and long boulevards. But seeing the sun for an hour a day is so much better than sitting in front of the computer for that long. Biking still frees me from my brothers, and I use my bike to run from those pesky temptations.

Now a'days I don't just ride for freedom or exercise (though I do still ride for those reasons): I ride to know the town. You wouldn't believe how many times someone tells me where they live in town and I give them the most retarded look in return, because I have no idea what they're talking about. I've learned a lot about my neighborhood lately, and I really like knowing where everything is. Now I can finally figure out where that CAD teacher used to live, since when she told me I had no idea where she was talking about.

This week was particularly interesting because I nearly got lost going down a long stretch of a main road that led me out of town. I nearly turned back, because I had gone so far and hadn't seen the right turn I was supposed to take. That's when I realized that no matter how far you've come, you're not lost so long as you know the road behind you. But that means you can only turn back, and that's not what I want. So sometimes you need to get lost, if only to find the place you really need to be going.

When I bike I usually listen to the latest Instance or All Things Azeroth podcast to catch up on the WoW news that I so constantly miss. Sometimes, when I'm all caught up on podcasts, I'll listen to music or a soundtrack to a game or movie. Other times, like I did yesterday, I'll simply listen to the sounds of nature: the birds singing, the wind rustling the leaves. It really is beautiful out there, when you stop to appreciate it.

So this week I've probably ridden 40 miles on my bike. I had a lot of fun doing it, and really look forward to riding more this summer.No, I don't wear those super tight biking shorts (thought I always wear my underarmor underwear... but that's too much information as-is) or those tight biking jerseys. Maybe one day I will, when I'm actually fit enough to look good in them. But it all goes back to that self-pride problem, which I combat as best I can. I even have my own little place down the street over looking the query to pray for a few minutes before I go out. It really does put me to peace, and I'm really glad I do it.

The House

The house is coming along really well. I really want to write a lot about it, but I don't know what to say about it right now. I can't wait to see what the house looks like, and I can't wait to party in it. It probably won't be done until late July at this point, but it'll be so worth the wait.

I still have to wonder what my parents are thinking about it, deep in their minds. They saw the house being built in the first point, and all the changes it's gone through since then. They must be amazed by it all. I'm so glad they're doing this, and can't wait for it to be done.

So that's a lot of what's been going on lately, and soon (probably like Wednesday) I'll write about this Memorial Day weekend. So you around, netizens!

Perform!

2010-05-23T17:50:00.001-07:00

From Drop Box

This week I went to two very cool performances. One of them was a two ‘act’ play at my school, and the other was a two hour concert at the middle school (because the high school still doesn’t have an auditorium).

The first event, the play, was at my school during periods nine and ten. Put on by the drama club they had a great performance. I thought the first act, “Romeo & Juliet and Todo Too”, was dry humor for most of the audience, but I found it pretty funny. The story goes that Todo and Dorothy (because I actually forgot her name… thank you Classics app!) get thrown into the Land of Oz and take the wrong road. Specifically the Yellow Cobblestone Road, which brought them to the wrong wizard, the wizard of Odd. Along the way they meet Lysander (I think… it wasn’t very specific), who needs a heart, and Hamlet, who needs some courage, as well as one other Shakespearean characters who needs a heart.

It was a little corny, but I thought it was pretty interesting. The cast was good; most of the group did really well and assumed their character’s personalities superbly. There was some week dialogue, and in some cases the character’s reactions were either underplayed or non-existent. The crowd, being filled with rowdy high schoolers, was loud and obnoxious, which always takes away from the performance. I was kind of glad the show ended though: by the end the story was muddled and corny, but still funny (”Acme employment agency,”… classic!). All in all it was a solid opening act.

The second play at my school was about art. It showed how art is truly in the eye of the beholder, and it’s example was an apple. “The Apple” (sadly not a play about my favorite computer company), was a decent play that actually made you think. Most of the funny parts were put forth by the ‘moody kid’, who had a ‘love-beam connection’ to the ‘thing which must not be labeled’. It was more of an intellectual play, with some funny political jokes that no one but me and the teachers seemed to catch, and a lot more dialogue than actual story. I liked it a lot, maybe more than the first play. It did end quickly, but it would be very drawn out and boring if they didn’t.

On Wednesday night I went to see the High School Chorus, Band, and Jazz Band concerts at the middle school with some of my close friends. I really enjoyed all of it, and got "I'm Yours" stuck in my head. I thought Pirates was really great, even though it could have used a few more instruments. And the violinist just blew my mind!

Again, sorry, but I had to cut this short. Just happy to get the post outs with a general outline of my thoughts I suppose. Did any one else go to the concert?

My [Second] RAYV

2010-05-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

"I just want to say that this weekend ha been a time of peace; a piece of solid ground to stand on in this fast emotion and informational world."

This is what I said to everyone at the closing today. I just want to write a little bit about the weekend (without giving away to much of the special parts).

It started Friday night, but it took a while fro me to get there. I was lucky enough to have mom pick me up from school (since she was already in town to pick up Britt). I even bought a couple cookies from the bakery at school with some lunch money I've saved. When you don't eat lunch because your eating pizza in class every day, you don't exactly need lunch.

We stopped at Hess for gas and to fix the air pressure of the tire. Mom let Britt and I go in and get some Arnold Palmers, but she ended up getting a 'white out' Mountain Dew. We got home around three, probably the same time I would have gotten home if had take the bus. I had one hour to pack: how do you think that went?

Well I manage to pack, and we stopped and got some KFC on the way. Then we bad to stop at CVS to get shampoo and hand lotion for me. So we drove along across Rhode Island and eventually got there.

Icebreakers were fun - one of them was blindfolding and spraying each other. We even did a trust walk later, walking blindfolded all the way to the beach. Even though I was on team I really had no idea what I was doing, which brought a nice element of surprise to the day. Another icebreaker we did was going into a room and being told we had only one role of toilet paper left.

Being the gullible fool that I am I believed them, and took a 'realistic' amount of toilet paper - about 16 squares. Then we were told everything was fine; we just had to tell everyone a persons we know. So I had to name a lot of people... But it was a fun, humbling experience.

Saturday was a whole lot of fun. I really enjoyed everything we did, but there was one thing that stood out. It was the talk that I did, which I posted earlier. My arms were shaking and my heart was pounding, but I made eye contact and kept a steady voice (as far as I can tell). I don't think that I could have done the talk without being prayed over though.

Right before I went to do my talk, I went into the prayer chapel (as instructed) and had the prayer warriors pray over me. It was an amazing feeling: so close to God with those three women praying over me. At one point, someone asked God that all my sins go to the feet of the cross. They did; I felt my sins slide from my head to my toes, then out of my toes. I was left with the dark memories of them, and the scars of them, but they were just gone. Gone.

But the weekend really just slipped away, as time is slipping away now. I could write all night about the weekend. I could write about Colin's story, or how Austin seemed so far from grace but kept coming closer. But I can't, because there's no time. So when I do find time, I will write more about the weekend.

But I just want to say thank you to all the people who put the weekend together for us, and thankful for all those who find encouragement in my talk. There were lots of hugs, lots of food, lots of singing and a few cold showers, but it was all worth it.

And I's like to ask you this: If I gave my talk at school, how would people take it? People are always asking me what I believe, or how I could believe it.Just a thought.... Hope every one enjoyed their weekends!

BTW Kara, I wrote a lot of this on my iPod - forgive my grammar and spelling!!!